Pieces of Me

Regret- Some of us have them Some of us don't. For those of us who suffer, we're the ones dealing. We're the ones trying to make it. We're the ones trying to do whatever it takes. Even if it takes us to our graves. We live in memories of... We live in the present but caught inbetween two worlds. We live in the past and present. How is it possible? How? Regret(s) does that. It's vicious cycle. Not easy to break. None of us wants to be reminded. None of us wants to still be dealing. None of us wants to be reminded. We need to move on, the question is how? How do we deal with regret? How do we overcome it? If there is such a thing. How do we? We made some mistakes, At least some are willing to admit. But if there was a time machine, we would be able to correct the mistake, before it happened. But if we did that, life as we now know it, would not be the same. Life as we know it today, would not exist. Trails and Errors. Trails and Errors. Teaches us the things about lif...

This is my prayer (W.I.P) Hey Daddy- I'm sorry for being the way I have been. It's just that life has been so hard lately. I'm struggling to make it through the day, these days. I'm struggling to keep a cool leveled head, inside I'm flipping out. I don't know what to do. I don't know what to do with myself. I keep thinking I'm better off, not existing. I keep thinking about how many could be better off, without me, without having to meet me. I keep thinking very lowly of myself. Not sure which way to go. I feel like I'm being swayed. I feel like I'm being pushed to the edge. I feel like I deserve to be out of the picture. But how? WHY? What did I do? What did I do? I'm soo sorry for the lives, some think and believed I've destroyed! I'm soo sorry for getting in the way! God- If you can hear me screaming. I'm screaming because I feel like I'm being burnt down. I'm screaming because I feel overwhelmed. I'm screaming beca...

This is a Journal entry. I can't sleep and I'm so tired. My mind is filled with a million thoughts, my heart is braking, tearing, ripping and being torn apart. I've been a fighter for a long time now. But even a fighter knows when to toss the gloves in. I'm sorry I've been doing the best I can with myself and my life and the reality is, I'm finished. I screw up my life. I don't see myself getting out of where I am now. It looks like I will be stay in WNY for a good long while. I'm not happy at all. Now that I know I'm alone in the parenting aspect, I guess I have to struggle with a small support system. To be honest, a part of me wants to be dead. This way, I wouldn't be lashing out at my son's father, asking for help while I feel like I'm playing victim, which I hate; this way I can be free from the burdens I carry on my shoulders. Can't really talk to anybody. Its hard for me to explain. Sounds like I'm giving up. The truth is I...

In my life I have been through a lot. My words come from actual experiences. I'm typically viewed as the girl who'll excel in life. I'm all brain, yes. But I can only do so much with what I have to deal with in my life. I don't like making up excuses in my life. But lately it seems that every time I try to do some good on some end, I just lose it all together. Trying to figure out a lot of things and trying to figure out this headache I call life. I just do what I can to live and to survive.

Filthy, torn and uncleaned. Guilty, anger, and hurt. Friends one moment, A victim the next. "Are things cool?" No, but I say, "Yes." Don't want to deal Don't want to deal We are no longer friends, Leave me alone. Begone! Used my trust to gain something only you wanted. Now that you did the deeds, I hope you're satified. I'll always remember. You made another scar on my life. Just leave me alone. Just leave me alone. You made me re-lived my past. I gave in. Scared? Yes! But don't concern yourself with me. It was you who didn't hear , "No." It was you who didn't want to stop, but, "Five more minutes". I didn't want to in the first place, And you kept pushing. I thought you were my friend And now I know why you were in the first place. I feel degraded, dirty, unfaithful. I'm nothing more than a sexual object. Leave me alone. No friend should ever make me feel this way. Friends?No. And I mean NO. Now I can't sl...

Timber falls, Leaves withered, Life gone. Like a river, Never grows old, Always renewing, Always changing. Like a forest, Filled with wonders, Filled with adventure, Filled with life, Beyond your imagination. Like a child, Who's curious, Who's bright eyes looks upon you for answers, Whose innocent is precious. But Timber Falls, Time passes, Life goes on, But the pain I feel, will always be there. Time heals, but not fast enough. For timber falls,steadfast. For life falls, only to get back up. For the timber can't. For the timber, Once down, No more life. No more beauty, No more history. For it's life is slowly being drained. Timber Falls. Written By: Gloria M. Matthews Copyright 2009

Who would've thought, that I would feel free? Who? I've been on the up and the down, I've been on the high and the low, I've been in both darkness and light. But in order for one to be free, One must free them self from their own prison. Written by Gloria M. Matthews Copyright 2009

We create our own world, We create our own prison, but only we have the keys. Why build walls? Why build prisons? My answer...Because of fear and doubts Because in part we don't want to get hurt Written By Gloria M. Matthews

I will never ask of anything, I will never ask of one small simple thing, I will never ask for help when I need it. I will never ask for a friend, I will never ask for anything. Why? Because I'm a loner, I know my own wants and needs, I know I can at least count on one person.... And that's me. Written By: Gloria M. Matthews Copyright 2009

Like a child Who loves her teddy I love my boy. A bittersweet goodbye But I will hold on to you. You're my teddy, My safety net. So when I fall asleep, I will hold my fav teddy, and I will think of you. Like a child's love, I love you very much. Good-bye and Good-luck. I hope to catch ya down the road. I know I will. Night love. Written By: Gloria M. Matthews Copyright 2009

It's a cold, wintry night; As I lie wide awake in my bed thinking about you and missing you. It's lonely without you by my side. Every time I shut my eyes I see you. I long for your warmth. I long for your affection. I long to be held by you. You're my lifeline, for now. You're my other half, for now. You're my rock in my world, for now. You're a new lease on life, for now. You have my love, for now. It's cold and I'm tired. As I lie awake and look over, wishing you were here with me. Written By: Gloria M. Matthews Originally Written in 2007 Copyright 2009

Just one of those days Just one of those days, The days that don't come often It's just one of those days, When you find yourself at a crossroad It's one of those days, When you realize it's time to move on. Just one of those days, When everything around you becomes clear It's one of those days When life finally found some peace. Just one of those days, When you're finally feeling free It's just one of those days, When finally everything starts to make sense. It's one of those days, When a part of you departs and a new you is born Just one of those days, When it's time to start anew, Just one of those days, Days we often do not experience Unless there are some major changes in one's life. Just one of those days. Written By: Gloria M. Matthews Originally Published 2007 Copyright 2009

As I look out my bedroom window, watching the snow gently fill in those footprints made earlier, like a new blanket. But I shed a tear and two. Because those holes, in my life will always be there. Yes, overtime small things tend to fill them up. But in a moment when reflecting back, on how far I've come, every loss, every hurt, every bruise, every heartache, every memory that I try to forget... It HURTS! Every now and then, I appreciate the things I have in life, I appreciate the people I've gotten a chance to know, I appreciate the friends I have. I appreciate every little thing that brought more meaning into my life. I appreciate the chance to live a little. So tonight, I cry. Because I'm allowed to. I've might have lost a lot in the first twenty-two years of my life, But the funny thing is I gained so much, so much from it. These last two year have been hard. I admit that. But I'm still here...see? So I treasure those happy moments, I treasure those moments well...

Let me go, When I'm gone. Let me go, I'll be a bittersweet memory. Let me go, Let me go. Let me go, Don't worry. Let me go, I won't forget you. Let me go, You'll be alright. Let me go, I'll always be by your side. Let me go, Let me go. Don't forget me, I won't forget you. Let me go, Let me go. Let me go, I know I'm gone. Let me go, But keep me in your hearts. Let me go, I'm missing you just as much you're missing me. Let me go, Let me go. Know I love you. Know I care, Know that you're forgiven, Know that you're free Just like me. Let me go, Let me go. Life's a journey, A long one. Live it well. Let me go. Before I go, one last time, A kiss, A hug, A smile, From me to you. Written By: Gloria M. Matthews

My time has come to an end. I have lived this life, now ready to move on. I don't have much to say, Thank you for the memories. As time passes, I think about you and my friends. I think about the downs and the ups. I think about everything I loved. I think about the times that meant the world to me. I think about those hard times and wonder did I handle it right? I'm sure I didn't at times. Bittersweet memories, a bittersweet good-bye. I do not know when I'll be back, I know I'll see some of you down the road. Keep me in your hearts, Keep me in your memories, The good ones. Give me your word you won't forget me. Tell me I am someone, instead of no one in your life. Tell me and remind me that you are a friend Don't let me leave with, bittersweet memories. Tell me a story, one of us and everybody. Tell me a memory, you remember very well. Tell me, Tell me, Tell me. No matter how far or near I may be, I'm with you in spirit, And know this, If I don't ta...

Just for a moment, I finally felt relieved. Just for a moment, I was able to breath. Just for a moment, I closed my eyes and saw you. For a moment, I was lying besides you, being held by you. For a moment, I felt completely safe in your arms. For a moment, I just let it all go, Just to cherish this moment with you. Just for a moment, I imagined a family. Just for a moment, I imagined us. Just for a moment, I held on to all the good and never once let go. For a moment, I knew my place in this world. For a moment, I knew you knew your place in this world. For a moment, Lets just stay in the moment, For I want to cherish every moment spent with you. Just for a moment, Let me be. Just for a moment, Let me pretend. Just for a moment, I want you. Just for a moment, Come with me. For a moment, I will love you for you. For a moment, I will respect you for you. For a moment, I will smile every time I see, read, or hear that you are well and happy. Just for a moment, Just for a moment, Just giv...

I'm in a middle of a storm and alone. So much confusions, so much anger and frustration. I'm looking around frantically, trying to see in this darkness of the sea. Then I see faces of those who I've crossed path with, throughout my life. All asking me, "Why?" Some saying I left without reason, some asking why didn't I say anything, some saying stop blaming yourself for everything. My answers, stumbling upon my words, were: "I was scared; I didn't know; I felt like I wasn't of any use; I felt like it was my time to go, my time to move on; what was I suppose to do; nobody was speaking to me; nobody was telling me anything, except those who were against me, trying to rid of me; I felt like I was left alone to deal with my own battle; I felt so much that I just couldn't deal anymore and so I just went". I want to understand, don't get me wrong. I'm just tired being kept out of the loop. I regret a lot in my life too. Not like I don...

Tonight I drink two glasses of wine. Feeling tipsy but couldn't give a damn. As my son is sleeping, I'm drownig myself in despair. Looking through pictures of good times, Made me wonder who were true. Made me wonder was I even there. I'm so down to the point I hate myself. No one to tell me constantly that things will get better. (Crying) No one to tell me it okay. I cry because I'm fighting. I'm fighting for my own life. I'm not going to be around for long. Don't ask how I know. I just know. My heart is shattered And to night all I did was look at my son and wished things would go well for his sake. I'm not suppose to even be drinking. Codeine with wine. Ya, bad habits never die. I know what's its like to want to drown your sorrows. Meds...I was good with them til now. I'm feeling hopeless. Then I'm just killing myself in the process. Then I look at my son, and all I want to do is break down and cry. I love my son with every inch of my being...

I'm so furious! I've tried being a friend, a good one. I've tried being the good ex with the child. I've tried being one thing or another to others and I'm getting so feed up feeling like I'm "out". I'm tired. I'm so furious because I've been through so much and I've been holding a lot back, so that I can be of help to others. I can't do it anymore! I can't! I'm losing it, I know it and I can't continue on like this. I need a change, I need a big change and it has to start with me. I'm so tired of the ones I cared about, the ones I want to help out, the ones I love, telling me that I do not understand! Mother fuckers try me! Just fucking try me! You are slowing killing me with your miseries, downfalls, and negativity! I'm tired, I'm tired of it all. One promise after another. I keep reminding you I don't do promises, because no one holds up to them. Give me your word, that would do. But then you know that...

February 15th, 2009 I’m a shattered soul. I never quite fit in with anything in my life. Everything around me is just another image to see. Everything around me has become superficial and unreal. I feel like a robot that is just there. Nothing seems or appears to include me, I’m invisible. For every man I’ve met I’ve been discarded for good. For one currently- I’m unwanted and don’t want to have anything to do with me. It hurts. I walk with guilt on my shoulders day and night. I feel the weight of his world upon my own. While my own life carries a burden so heavy that I wish I was the one six feet underground. Nobody knows of this, so I keep my true and real feelings to myself. Nothing connects with me. I’m always, always disconnected. When I finally connect, the connection is terminated for good. I hurt shortly afterward and then that hurt lasts a long time. I want to cry but I’m so numbed at times that I almost feel nothing. Again I’m like a robot. What kills me the most is how my th...