Drowning

Tonight I drink two glasses of wine.
Feeling tipsy but couldn't give a damn.
As my son is sleeping, I'm drownig myself in despair.

Looking through pictures of good times,
Made me wonder who were true.
Made me wonder was I even there.

I'm so down to the point I hate myself.
No one to tell me constantly that things will get better.
(Crying)
No one to tell me it okay.

I cry because I'm fighting.
I'm fighting for my own life.
I'm not going to be around for long.
Don't ask how I know.
I just know.

My heart is shattered
And to night all I did was look at my son
and wished things would go well for his sake.

I'm not suppose to even be drinking.
Codeine with wine.
Ya, bad habits never die.
I know what's its like to want to drown your sorrows.

Meds...I was good with them
til now.
I'm feeling hopeless.
Then I'm just killing myself in the process.
Then I look at my son,
and all I want to do is break down and cry.
I love my son with every inch of my being.
I just don't want him to get hurt.
I don't want him to go through what I went through.
But it's sooo hard!

I didn't think I would go back to my old habits.
But I crashed.
I'm afraid to say something.
Afraid to tell my counselor.
Because its a route I don't want to go.

I want to live a lil,
and I can't.
I want to have someone.
I need a lil bit more support.
Or else I'm gone.

I can't do this.
Not alone.
I'm hurting still.
Wondering what I could've done differently.
I want to forget,
I want to move on,
and the memories continue to hunt me.

Where to go from here?
Who to go to?
When?

I guess I will have to keep it together,
for my son's sake.
But by nightfall,
this is what I am.

I'm failing my class.
I'm failing.

I hope you're happy.
You were right.

I'm going to finish crying
because,
I just feel like a nobody,
to everybody.

My son is the only one
who sees me for me.
I smile because of that.
I try my best to keep that in mind.
I really do.

But once I'm done with my day and he's down,
my world just crumbles.
I'm back to the darkest corners.
Confused and craze.
No knowing what to do.
Craving for the weekend to come.
So I can have a glass of wine or beer.

I guess I'm so frustrated with myself.
For being sick for a long time now.
Gone through a couple surgeries.
And one more to go,
with a potential extra.

Be strong,
I'm told constantly.
But my body, is giving up on me.
My mind is still strong, but losing it's grip.
Frustrations...
What am I to do?

I don't want to be without my son.
For sure I will not live a day without him in my present.
He's my reason for living these days.
He's my reason for working, and trying to go back to school.
He's my reason why I'm willing to get myself together.
But I'm falling apart, because I feel like shit.
I'm tired of feeling like shit.
I'm tired of my health being poor.
It's bringing me down.

So much in my life, yet I feel like I lost it all.
I feel like I'm losing it all.
I feel like I'm already a ghost.

But down in the dumps.
I guess that's where I belong.