I'm losing it


This is a Journal entry.

I can't sleep and I'm so tired. My mind is filled with a million thoughts, my heart is braking, tearing, ripping and being torn apart.

I've been a fighter for a long time now. But even a fighter knows when to toss the gloves in. I'm sorry I've been doing the best I can with myself and my life and the reality is, I'm finished.

I screw up my life. I don't see myself getting out of where I am now. It looks like I will be stay in WNY for a good long while. I'm not happy at all. Now that I know I'm alone in the parenting aspect, I guess I have to struggle with a small support system. To be honest, a part of me wants to be dead. This way, I wouldn't be lashing out at my son's father, asking for help while I feel like I'm playing victim, which I hate; this way I can be free from the burdens I carry on my shoulders.

Can't really talk to anybody. Its hard for me to explain. Sounds like I'm giving up. The truth is I wouldn't be surprise that the next time I go under, my mind just may decide to shut off for good. My mind is burnt out, completely. It's hard to focus, hard to do what I want to do, no matter what I try to do I end up in frustration and anger.

Their are things in my life I wanted and because of my stupid behind, I won't have it. I crave to be married now, to be a whole family rather then a single family unit, living off of a low income and a fixed income. I rather be somewhere where I can go places without relying heavily on those to help me all the time. But instead I feel trapped.

My emotions are making me feel trapped. All I want to do is just scream. I'm not going to pretend my life is good. I'm not going to hold back my frustrations of being a single mom. I mean what's the point of holding back all the frustrations, when really it boils down to a lot of reasons that has to do with men. Move on, says everyone, but how do you when your child who I'm sure you love dearly is a reminder of their dads in small ways. Tough isn't it? Ignoring it, won't work for me. Because I hardly can ignore something that's right in front of me. Instead I do what needs to be done.

I'm screaming for a vacation. My son isn't bad, he's a good boy. He's just an advance kid, a handful. I'm just wanting to sleep for a few days, that all. Just to restore myself, before I completely collaspse.

It's late I will try to get some sleep.

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