Introduction
February 15th, 2009
I’m a shattered soul.
I never quite fit in with anything in my life. Everything around me is just another image to see. Everything around me has become superficial and unreal. I feel like a robot that is just there. Nothing seems or appears to include me, I’m invisible.
For every man I’ve met I’ve been discarded for good. For one currently- I’m unwanted and don’t want to have anything to do with me. It hurts. I walk with guilt on my shoulders day and night. I feel the weight of his world upon my own. While my own life carries a burden so heavy that I wish I was the one six feet underground. Nobody knows of this, so I keep my true and real feelings to myself.
Nothing connects with me. I’m always, always disconnected. When I finally connect, the connection is terminated for good. I hurt shortly afterward and then that hurt lasts a long time. I want to cry but I’m so numbed at times that I almost feel nothing. Again I’m like a robot.
What kills me the most is how my thoughts are so down and there is a precious little boy, who I call my son. He’s everything in my world, but most importantly the one I’m fighting to be around for. I’m so conflicted with my own life and I have a clear idea of what I need to do, but what I want to do is still up in the air.
My love exists for my son. His father whom treated me like his queen was everything to me and then I lost him. Would I have married him? Yes, just when I was ready. But it’s never going to happen. I screwed it up and I got to live with the fact that I will be a single mom for a real long while. I blame myself for a lot of things, even when I shouldn’t but I do. You can tell me it’s not my fault a million times but that won’t erase the part I played in whatever the situation was. Whether the part was small or big, it wouldn’t matter. I typically start to leave people alone and stop asking how they are doing, since I figure they don’t want to have anything to do with me. I’m just yesterday’s trash. Today, I’m just a recyclable about ready to be thrown out again.
This is my battle, my inner battle. I’m sad when I want to be happy. When I’m happy something always comes up and ruins it. I’ve fought for my happiness once too many times and in the end it just put me in despair. In the end I just felt worthless of happiness. It’s as if my dreams mean nothing and when I start doing something that is something I can call my own, it just so seems that someone comes along and claims it as their own. And once again I fight and once again I’m left trying to figure out what I can do to keep my mind free.
Every day is never-ending. I struggle to stay sane and sharp, yet I still get criticize behind my back. It makes me want to pick up my things and go someplace where no one knows me, where no one can find me and just live a quiet life. Not be bothered.
I have friends, but they don’t make time to see me or talk to me and I question whether I’m really that important. Lately, I feel like they have been avoiding me because I’m a single mom with no help and I'm "settled down". I may be grounded for the rest of my life but that doesn't mean I should feel like I'm left out in the cold from my group of "so-called" friends.
I need help and only one person has been doing way too much already for me. I appreciate her very much and it just kills me that everybody else gets a break from their parenting duties and I rarely do. She’s been like an additional family member around here and for me it’s good, but at the same time I know that she has to live her own life as well and it’s just that she really doesn’t have to feel responsible for being around all the time.
I do what I can and yes, I am tired and at some point beyond exhausted. So, what I do seems to matter less. Even as I struggle to get through the day without breaking down, my life to me starts to becomes non-existence. I wanted to be a mom at some point in my life because I had it in me to do it. I love being mom, don’t get me wrong, but I just miss have some me time. When I get the time, I do try to enjoy it but I don’t get used to it because it’s only for a few hours or a day, every once in a while, a long while.
Strength? Ha! I feel weaker as the days start to pass me by. Strength- I don’t even know where I get it from. I just feel like I’m on auto-pilot. Once again, I’m a robot. I want to feel alive but I’m only dead. Seems like I appear to be better off dead to those who wish that they’ve never laid eyes upon me, to those who want to start a new life with someone and I’m in the way. I’m dead. I’m just a freaking zombie with hardly any emotions, but a zombie who feels hurt, worthless, unlovable, unwanted, guilty and alone.
I never thought I would scoop this low at this point in my life, especially at this point in my life. I feel like I’ve ruined someone’s life and the taking indirect hits online for it. I blame myself even more. He blamed me for his life being the way it is now. This is the guy I adored and loved with all my heart because he treated me like a queen. Now after everything I’ve been through in my life, I don’t think I’ll ever look at another man the same again. My life is shattered, broken and damaged. I do my best to rebuild but it’s so hard when all the pieces have changed its shapes and forms that they’ll never go back together. Instead they become crystal balls of regrets, hurts, losses, bruises, unwanted memories, reminders of mistakes, blames, negative remarks, and moments that were dreadful. This is my inner battle. Every day I just put on a face that everyone knows and when I get by myself all things good in my life doesn’t exist. It’s like I can’t soak it up to cover up the negativity in my life that I got to deal with.
But this is my life; this is who I am on the inside. This is a part of me that is always eating at me and I try to distract myself from it all, only to feel overwhelmed by it all. Is it so wrong of me to just want a break from my duties as a single parent? I mean I have no family to help me, my mother is decease and my father is non-existence and the rest of my family, too busy worrying about themselves. Never communicate.
I’m not the best at talking about my feelings for I was taught to not show any. Instead, I came to write it all out and it has helped me in ways that nothing else has.
It’s time for me to call it a night. I’m just frustrated and filled with a lot of different emotions and I just don’t know where to start. But I do know this - this is where I will began my journey. So hop on and join me in my journey call the Pieces of Me.
I’m a shattered soul.
I never quite fit in with anything in my life. Everything around me is just another image to see. Everything around me has become superficial and unreal. I feel like a robot that is just there. Nothing seems or appears to include me, I’m invisible.
For every man I’ve met I’ve been discarded for good. For one currently- I’m unwanted and don’t want to have anything to do with me. It hurts. I walk with guilt on my shoulders day and night. I feel the weight of his world upon my own. While my own life carries a burden so heavy that I wish I was the one six feet underground. Nobody knows of this, so I keep my true and real feelings to myself.
Nothing connects with me. I’m always, always disconnected. When I finally connect, the connection is terminated for good. I hurt shortly afterward and then that hurt lasts a long time. I want to cry but I’m so numbed at times that I almost feel nothing. Again I’m like a robot.
What kills me the most is how my thoughts are so down and there is a precious little boy, who I call my son. He’s everything in my world, but most importantly the one I’m fighting to be around for. I’m so conflicted with my own life and I have a clear idea of what I need to do, but what I want to do is still up in the air.
My love exists for my son. His father whom treated me like his queen was everything to me and then I lost him. Would I have married him? Yes, just when I was ready. But it’s never going to happen. I screwed it up and I got to live with the fact that I will be a single mom for a real long while. I blame myself for a lot of things, even when I shouldn’t but I do. You can tell me it’s not my fault a million times but that won’t erase the part I played in whatever the situation was. Whether the part was small or big, it wouldn’t matter. I typically start to leave people alone and stop asking how they are doing, since I figure they don’t want to have anything to do with me. I’m just yesterday’s trash. Today, I’m just a recyclable about ready to be thrown out again.
This is my battle, my inner battle. I’m sad when I want to be happy. When I’m happy something always comes up and ruins it. I’ve fought for my happiness once too many times and in the end it just put me in despair. In the end I just felt worthless of happiness. It’s as if my dreams mean nothing and when I start doing something that is something I can call my own, it just so seems that someone comes along and claims it as their own. And once again I fight and once again I’m left trying to figure out what I can do to keep my mind free.
Every day is never-ending. I struggle to stay sane and sharp, yet I still get criticize behind my back. It makes me want to pick up my things and go someplace where no one knows me, where no one can find me and just live a quiet life. Not be bothered.
I have friends, but they don’t make time to see me or talk to me and I question whether I’m really that important. Lately, I feel like they have been avoiding me because I’m a single mom with no help and I'm "settled down". I may be grounded for the rest of my life but that doesn't mean I should feel like I'm left out in the cold from my group of "so-called" friends.
I need help and only one person has been doing way too much already for me. I appreciate her very much and it just kills me that everybody else gets a break from their parenting duties and I rarely do. She’s been like an additional family member around here and for me it’s good, but at the same time I know that she has to live her own life as well and it’s just that she really doesn’t have to feel responsible for being around all the time.
I do what I can and yes, I am tired and at some point beyond exhausted. So, what I do seems to matter less. Even as I struggle to get through the day without breaking down, my life to me starts to becomes non-existence. I wanted to be a mom at some point in my life because I had it in me to do it. I love being mom, don’t get me wrong, but I just miss have some me time. When I get the time, I do try to enjoy it but I don’t get used to it because it’s only for a few hours or a day, every once in a while, a long while.
Strength? Ha! I feel weaker as the days start to pass me by. Strength- I don’t even know where I get it from. I just feel like I’m on auto-pilot. Once again, I’m a robot. I want to feel alive but I’m only dead. Seems like I appear to be better off dead to those who wish that they’ve never laid eyes upon me, to those who want to start a new life with someone and I’m in the way. I’m dead. I’m just a freaking zombie with hardly any emotions, but a zombie who feels hurt, worthless, unlovable, unwanted, guilty and alone.
I never thought I would scoop this low at this point in my life, especially at this point in my life. I feel like I’ve ruined someone’s life and the taking indirect hits online for it. I blame myself even more. He blamed me for his life being the way it is now. This is the guy I adored and loved with all my heart because he treated me like a queen. Now after everything I’ve been through in my life, I don’t think I’ll ever look at another man the same again. My life is shattered, broken and damaged. I do my best to rebuild but it’s so hard when all the pieces have changed its shapes and forms that they’ll never go back together. Instead they become crystal balls of regrets, hurts, losses, bruises, unwanted memories, reminders of mistakes, blames, negative remarks, and moments that were dreadful. This is my inner battle. Every day I just put on a face that everyone knows and when I get by myself all things good in my life doesn’t exist. It’s like I can’t soak it up to cover up the negativity in my life that I got to deal with.
But this is my life; this is who I am on the inside. This is a part of me that is always eating at me and I try to distract myself from it all, only to feel overwhelmed by it all. Is it so wrong of me to just want a break from my duties as a single parent? I mean I have no family to help me, my mother is decease and my father is non-existence and the rest of my family, too busy worrying about themselves. Never communicate.
I’m not the best at talking about my feelings for I was taught to not show any. Instead, I came to write it all out and it has helped me in ways that nothing else has.
It’s time for me to call it a night. I’m just frustrated and filled with a lot of different emotions and I just don’t know where to start. But I do know this - this is where I will began my journey. So hop on and join me in my journey call the Pieces of Me.
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