Listen
I'm so furious! I've tried being a friend, a good one. I've tried being the good ex with the child. I've tried being one thing or another to others and I'm getting so feed up feeling like I'm "out". I'm tired.
I'm so furious because I've been through so much and I've been holding a lot back, so that I can be of help to others. I can't do it anymore! I can't! I'm losing it, I know it and I can't continue on like this. I need a change, I need a big change and it has to start with me. I'm so tired of the ones I cared about, the ones I want to help out, the ones I love, telling me that I do not understand! Mother fuckers try me! Just fucking try me! You are slowing killing me with your miseries, downfalls, and negativity! I'm tired, I'm tired of it all. One promise after another. I keep reminding you I don't do promises, because no one holds up to them. Give me your word, that would do. But then you know that your word will reflect on the type of person you are.
Why do you want to keep me in your life? Why? You make me feel less then a bug. You make me feel like I'm nothing. Well newsflash! I am someone and something! I'm a mother, a student, a sister, a friend, an artist, a musician, a writer, a teacher, a motivator, a developer, and many more things that I am. I will not allow myself to be the subject of bad things. I will not allow myself to stoop to the lowest level and blast everyone for it. This is for the very, very few who have made me so furious. There are three of you so far and you know who you are.
My blood is boiling and it won't stop until I scream. Until you listen, until you hear every little thing come out of my mouth, until you hear my voice from deep within. I'm not the best to recieve signals because I get so confused by it all. If I don't know you, then I know that's one of the main problems, yet I feel like I'm being kept at double arm lengths so that I don't get to know you and understand what the fuck is going on with you! I mean come on, what is it that I don't have a fucking clue about? How am I suppose to know what's going on? Besides the obvious. No consistancy in communicating just makes me lose it! I work, trying to do well with one class and trying to make end meets without going broke and last but not least trying my hardest to stay on top of things as a single parent. What is it that is so much harder? I may have a job but when my child get sick I have to miss out on work, leaving me to worry about the future of my job. I'm always worrying, just like every single parent out there. Not just those who are single but those who live together as well. It's not easy and what kills me is when people overlook how stressful it is to make sure you are providing the basic needs not only for yourself but for the kid(s). To keep a healthy environment and a calm one, is a very challenging aspect of living in hard times.
So yes, I'm freaking out! Yes, I'm stressing! But you don't hear me talk about it? No, you don't. You won't be hearing it out of me because I'm so tired to even say anything or listen to criticism from others. It's like nobody can't say what they feel these days because they know that they will be criticized. I mean come on people, come on! I don't criticize unless I know the full sitution and the decisions that have already been made. That means I try not to criticize people on their decisions that I don't know or fully understand their position. I hear them out first. I listen first without interupting. I make note physically or mentally of what I didn't agree with and therefore hold off on it until I've heard the person out completely. But lately, because I've gotten furious, I've been blowing steam left and right. Which isn't me at all! That's not the way I am and let alone the way I like to be. I rather be calm and content, then furious and all over the place. I don't handle emotions well when they get out of control, I really don't. I know how I am and sometimes I'm a bit complex to understand or even to figure out.
Ugggh! I want to hit something, kick something, break something, anything that I can take it out on! Instead no, I have to breath in and out, in and out. But does that work? NO! Not on this level! I need to run, I need to walk, I need to skate or something. I don't understand anymore! I just don't. Every day my eyes and ears are seeing and overhearing a lot and sometimes it gets me thinking about my own situations and how I'm handeling it. Then I have like over a million things pour through my mind and its doubts, questions, curiousity and guilt. When I know there are others involved and they are not keeping up, I'm secretly flipping out and waiting, just waiting to hear what their next excuse is! Meanwhile, I give them another chance when I personally know that they are going to blow it, because I can feel it. Think I'm stupid? The faces of desparations, "Oh, I'm sorry but this, that, this, that...." Pesrsonally, I'm secretly saying "Whatever." and then I would say, "Hey man, I understand but you know what I got this. Don't worry about it." Basically I'm saying, you are off the hook. Don't bother me again.
A bitch? I typically warn others, usually when I first meet them to not get on my bad side or else hell hath no fury like a woman's fury. Lord, help me here! I'm doing the best I can to hold up my end, but when I start to feel like I'm hold up two ends for a long time, who is doing all the work, who is getting credit for it all, I mean seriously I don't like it all. I'm not the only one.
I don't care about credit or recognition so much. Acknowledgement, would be nice. Just one small acknowledgement and I can put a few things to the side. At least I can be reminded that I am human too because I do forget that I am. I guess thats what is missing; being human and allowed to express myself my fully, allowed to at least acknowledge that I am human, not a robot with haywire emotions. I guess what I'm trying to say is while I'm trying my best to fully acknowledge someone else's troubles and life, and let them know that they are only human and can do only so much and I on the other hand wonder if someone does the same toward me. I can probably name two people off the back who do. But as for the rest, I just feel like I'm just there, for whatever the reason is or may be, I feel used. I feel like I'm there but you make me feel like I'm either the reason for your troubles and blast me for it indirectly or make me feel responsible for everything when I know good and damn well, that I didn't call all the shots, especially the ones I wasn't around for. Just listen, I'm human too, sometimes I just feel like an invalid and that feeling doesn't make me feel good.
I'm trying my best to not fall so hard, but I feel like I'm being pushed off the edge again and only this time I'm stopping it. I'm still trying to find my own voice somewhere in this world. I'm still trying to figure out what to do next. I'm doing the best I can, but don't expect me to have all the answers, because I'm not a computer. I'm still a student in life, just like the rest of us. So don't criticize me for feeling, even I don't know why I do some of the things I do and I don't even know why I say the things I do, but as I get older I will suddenly realized why. Some people know why they act the way they do right off the back, while many struggle to explain themselves. Sometimes we act out of emotions we've held in for so long and we take it out on the ones who we are the most furious with. Like now, I wrote two emails to a few people because I was not only angry at them already, but because of how they didn't seem to acknowledge my half. Not acknowledge that when you plan something with me and you promise, and I tell them no promises, then an excuse or reason comes up, it just kills me to keep on waiting. I'm tired and I will always be tired and I don't have time to wait much longer let alone keep putting off on stuff that affect certain things in my life. I will make it clear that I'm exhausted on some days, but today I'm still tired, yesterday I was so exhausted I went to bed before 9 o'clock. That right there is something I haven't done since I was in middle school and running at meets.
If anything, I'm still growing and still trying to wrap my head around a lot. I would like to take my time. I have attached Beyonce's video called "Listen" this pretty much voices how I feel inside. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3b20Au1lmLM
I'm so furious because I've been through so much and I've been holding a lot back, so that I can be of help to others. I can't do it anymore! I can't! I'm losing it, I know it and I can't continue on like this. I need a change, I need a big change and it has to start with me. I'm so tired of the ones I cared about, the ones I want to help out, the ones I love, telling me that I do not understand! Mother fuckers try me! Just fucking try me! You are slowing killing me with your miseries, downfalls, and negativity! I'm tired, I'm tired of it all. One promise after another. I keep reminding you I don't do promises, because no one holds up to them. Give me your word, that would do. But then you know that your word will reflect on the type of person you are.
Why do you want to keep me in your life? Why? You make me feel less then a bug. You make me feel like I'm nothing. Well newsflash! I am someone and something! I'm a mother, a student, a sister, a friend, an artist, a musician, a writer, a teacher, a motivator, a developer, and many more things that I am. I will not allow myself to be the subject of bad things. I will not allow myself to stoop to the lowest level and blast everyone for it. This is for the very, very few who have made me so furious. There are three of you so far and you know who you are.
My blood is boiling and it won't stop until I scream. Until you listen, until you hear every little thing come out of my mouth, until you hear my voice from deep within. I'm not the best to recieve signals because I get so confused by it all. If I don't know you, then I know that's one of the main problems, yet I feel like I'm being kept at double arm lengths so that I don't get to know you and understand what the fuck is going on with you! I mean come on, what is it that I don't have a fucking clue about? How am I suppose to know what's going on? Besides the obvious. No consistancy in communicating just makes me lose it! I work, trying to do well with one class and trying to make end meets without going broke and last but not least trying my hardest to stay on top of things as a single parent. What is it that is so much harder? I may have a job but when my child get sick I have to miss out on work, leaving me to worry about the future of my job. I'm always worrying, just like every single parent out there. Not just those who are single but those who live together as well. It's not easy and what kills me is when people overlook how stressful it is to make sure you are providing the basic needs not only for yourself but for the kid(s). To keep a healthy environment and a calm one, is a very challenging aspect of living in hard times.
So yes, I'm freaking out! Yes, I'm stressing! But you don't hear me talk about it? No, you don't. You won't be hearing it out of me because I'm so tired to even say anything or listen to criticism from others. It's like nobody can't say what they feel these days because they know that they will be criticized. I mean come on people, come on! I don't criticize unless I know the full sitution and the decisions that have already been made. That means I try not to criticize people on their decisions that I don't know or fully understand their position. I hear them out first. I listen first without interupting. I make note physically or mentally of what I didn't agree with and therefore hold off on it until I've heard the person out completely. But lately, because I've gotten furious, I've been blowing steam left and right. Which isn't me at all! That's not the way I am and let alone the way I like to be. I rather be calm and content, then furious and all over the place. I don't handle emotions well when they get out of control, I really don't. I know how I am and sometimes I'm a bit complex to understand or even to figure out.
Ugggh! I want to hit something, kick something, break something, anything that I can take it out on! Instead no, I have to breath in and out, in and out. But does that work? NO! Not on this level! I need to run, I need to walk, I need to skate or something. I don't understand anymore! I just don't. Every day my eyes and ears are seeing and overhearing a lot and sometimes it gets me thinking about my own situations and how I'm handeling it. Then I have like over a million things pour through my mind and its doubts, questions, curiousity and guilt. When I know there are others involved and they are not keeping up, I'm secretly flipping out and waiting, just waiting to hear what their next excuse is! Meanwhile, I give them another chance when I personally know that they are going to blow it, because I can feel it. Think I'm stupid? The faces of desparations, "Oh, I'm sorry but this, that, this, that...." Pesrsonally, I'm secretly saying "Whatever." and then I would say, "Hey man, I understand but you know what I got this. Don't worry about it." Basically I'm saying, you are off the hook. Don't bother me again.
A bitch? I typically warn others, usually when I first meet them to not get on my bad side or else hell hath no fury like a woman's fury. Lord, help me here! I'm doing the best I can to hold up my end, but when I start to feel like I'm hold up two ends for a long time, who is doing all the work, who is getting credit for it all, I mean seriously I don't like it all. I'm not the only one.
I don't care about credit or recognition so much. Acknowledgement, would be nice. Just one small acknowledgement and I can put a few things to the side. At least I can be reminded that I am human too because I do forget that I am. I guess thats what is missing; being human and allowed to express myself my fully, allowed to at least acknowledge that I am human, not a robot with haywire emotions. I guess what I'm trying to say is while I'm trying my best to fully acknowledge someone else's troubles and life, and let them know that they are only human and can do only so much and I on the other hand wonder if someone does the same toward me. I can probably name two people off the back who do. But as for the rest, I just feel like I'm just there, for whatever the reason is or may be, I feel used. I feel like I'm there but you make me feel like I'm either the reason for your troubles and blast me for it indirectly or make me feel responsible for everything when I know good and damn well, that I didn't call all the shots, especially the ones I wasn't around for. Just listen, I'm human too, sometimes I just feel like an invalid and that feeling doesn't make me feel good.
I'm trying my best to not fall so hard, but I feel like I'm being pushed off the edge again and only this time I'm stopping it. I'm still trying to find my own voice somewhere in this world. I'm still trying to figure out what to do next. I'm doing the best I can, but don't expect me to have all the answers, because I'm not a computer. I'm still a student in life, just like the rest of us. So don't criticize me for feeling, even I don't know why I do some of the things I do and I don't even know why I say the things I do, but as I get older I will suddenly realized why. Some people know why they act the way they do right off the back, while many struggle to explain themselves. Sometimes we act out of emotions we've held in for so long and we take it out on the ones who we are the most furious with. Like now, I wrote two emails to a few people because I was not only angry at them already, but because of how they didn't seem to acknowledge my half. Not acknowledge that when you plan something with me and you promise, and I tell them no promises, then an excuse or reason comes up, it just kills me to keep on waiting. I'm tired and I will always be tired and I don't have time to wait much longer let alone keep putting off on stuff that affect certain things in my life. I will make it clear that I'm exhausted on some days, but today I'm still tired, yesterday I was so exhausted I went to bed before 9 o'clock. That right there is something I haven't done since I was in middle school and running at meets.
If anything, I'm still growing and still trying to wrap my head around a lot. I would like to take my time. I have attached Beyonce's video called "Listen" this pretty much voices how I feel inside. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3b20Au1lmLM
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