Lost in the storm


I'm in a middle of a storm and alone.
So much confusions, so much anger and frustration.
I'm looking around frantically,
trying to see in this darkness of the sea.
Then I see faces of those who I've crossed path with,
throughout my life.
All asking me, "Why?"
Some saying I left without reason,
some asking why didn't I say anything,
some saying stop blaming yourself for everything.
My answers, stumbling upon my words, were:
"I was scared;
I didn't know;
I felt like I wasn't of any use;
I felt like it was my time to go,
my time to move on;
what was I suppose to do;
nobody was speaking to me;
nobody was telling me anything,
except those who were against me,
trying to rid of me;
I felt like I was left alone to deal with my own battle;
I felt so much that I just couldn't deal anymore and so I just went".

I want to understand, don't get me wrong.
I'm just tired being kept out of the loop.
I regret a lot in my life too.
Not like I don't have burdens of my own, because I do.
I'm afraid to talk to some, fearing I will be blasted and not heard.
I try to keep my cool, but I can't, not like I used to.
I break down, because I don't know how I'm going to go
about all of the things on my own.
Not like I get help everyday,
so I have to do things I don't want to do.
I'm dropping school for the third time,
I can't keep up.
I'm only two full-time semesters away
from getting my Bachelor Degree.
But I have no time.
I'm doing the best I can.
I can't even breath because
I'm in a constant cycle that
I'm trying to escape,
yet I feel like I'm being overpowered.
This is not the first time,
nor the second or third.
I have came out of whatever trouble waters I was in,
it was just a matter of getting out of it alive.

I hate being in situations where I feel threaten,
to some degree.
I hate feeling like I'm being disrespected.
I hate feeling like I messed up.
I hate feeling lost.
I hate feeling misunderstood.
I just hate it all.

My fears get the best of me sometimes.
Sometimes I learn on time.
Sometimes I learn late.

But here I am.
Once again,
lost in another storm.
Trying to keep up my strength.
Trying to fight for another day,
Trying to fight for the good,
Trying to fight for my life.
But all this fighting is draining me.
I need to rest.

If you know where to find me.
Wake me up when it's all over.
I'm gonna rest my poor head.
As my boat is being battered by the waves,
I'm just gonna curl up,
and lie down.

I'm gonna pray for the lord to watch over me.
I'm gonna pray that I will be guided through this storm.
I'm gonna pray that all will be forgiven.
I'm gonna pray for strength to get me through,
the night.
But for now I'm gonna rest,
because I'm tired.
Good night my loves.
Written By: Gloria M. Matthews

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