You can't defy pain


As I look out my bedroom window,
watching the snow gently fill in those footprints made earlier,
like a new blanket.

But I shed a tear and two.
Because those holes, in my life will always be there.
Yes, overtime small things tend to fill them up.
But in a moment when reflecting back,
on how far I've come,
every loss,
every hurt,
every bruise,
every heartache,
every memory that I try to forget...
It HURTS!

Every now and then,
I appreciate the things I have in life,
I appreciate the people I've gotten a chance to know,
I appreciate the friends I have.
I appreciate every little thing that brought more meaning into my life.
I appreciate the chance to live a little.

So tonight, I cry.
Because I'm allowed to.
I've might have lost a lot in the first twenty-two years of my life,
But the funny thing is I gained so much, so much from it.
These last two year have been hard.
I admit that.
But I'm still here...see?

So I treasure those happy moments,
I treasure those moments well spent
with someone I care about,
I treasure those moments where my frown became a smile.
Just a little smile.
Just to make me feel a bit better.
I treasure my good friends,
Because I honestly wouldn't be here without them.

So yeah, everything will be alright.
Sometimes it's hard to see or feel it.
Sometimes I just need someone to tell me or show me.
Sometimes I'm scared, but I don't show it.
Sometimes I'm in so much pain, I just hide.
But when I break, I break free.
But the pain,
although past scars,
will always be there. I'll always remember. Always.

Even if I did let go, that doesn't mean the pain nor scar is gone.
It's still there.
That's how I always remember.
But I've moved on,
looking to start over,
but back at square one.

You can't defy pain.
All you can do is live for today.
Live for you.
Live for myself.
But it's so hard.
But I'm a survivor,
I'm a fighter,
I'll never back down.
But until that time....

So when I tell my story,
just listen.
It's like those little individual flurries,
covering up every pothole and footprints made from earlier in the day.
By late night, everything look like a clean slate.

A clean slate...
would be nice.

But I am who I am.
And there's nothing that not going to change that,
Ever.
So tonight I shed a tear...and a imaginary kiss to those dear to me.
Thank You for being there.

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