Dear One

Dear Love -

I love you very much, very much.
I don't think you see it through all the smoke.
I will always want to be by your side,
if you only allow me back in.

I don't want to be against you,
I don't want to be fighting,
I don't want to be arguing,
I don't want to be....

Please understand...
This frustration between us,
Is driving us away,
further and further.
I understand the current situation.
I do. I really do.
Distance and time,
Nothing seems right,
Nothing appears to be going right.

Did you know I sometimes stop and ask,
"God, what did I do wrong?" with guilt in my heart.
I'm sorry love. I really am.
I wish we could talk more,
But seeing how things are,
it pains me deeply.

We are parents, yes.
What kills me,
I can feel something missing,
Our child looks around knowing something, someone is missing.
What happened?

I do what I can to fill in the void.
It breaks my heart.

It's tough.
Not knowing what the other is doing.
Not knowing if the other will still be there.
Not knowing if the other will hold up their end.
It drives me nuts.

I worry day in, day out.
I worry constantly.
I stress day in, day out
I stress everyday.
This does keep me in a vicious cycle,
one that hingers my health.
I'm trying my best to stay healthy,
but my eating habit isn't all that great.

Don't you know?
You are a pain in my ass,
Yet I still love you for some reason.
I can't explain it.
I can't.

Mom says, "It's because we have a child"
I believe that statement,
but why do I feel still, like its more than that?
That drives my mind in circles.
My heart still feels for you,
Somehow it seems stuck on you,
like we were meant to be or something.

I don't know what the future hold,
than again I could be lying.

I've had some dreams. Good ones and bad.
I wish I could share them with you.
But I can't.
All I can say,
Even though we are living separate lives,
at least I know where my loyalty lies.

We will be okay,
if we can just work together.
I'm slowly coming around.
I didn't realized my jealousy was that bad.
Until now.

I don't even know if you'll come across this.
But you know who you are.
I will get mad, you will get mad.
We're both artists, just trying to be recognized.

What we love is now taking the back seat - for now.

I crave for a lot of things in my life as well.
I wonder how I'm going to accomplish them.
I wonder how I'm going to survive.

I miss your arms.
I miss your love.
I miss everything that was real.
I am sorry for being the fool.
I am truly sorry.
You have no clue.

Every night I think of you.
Every night I hope your days are looking brighter.
Every night I'm feeling sorry not for you,
but for not being by your side.
Dude, you don't even know.

A girl - woman,
who wants to be nearby, but can't.
I look at the pics I have online,
at least the ones I was able to save,
I was truly happy with you.
I really was.

I know things went wrong,
I know things became intolerable.
I know things was just out of control.
I know things went fast.

I felt like I found my other half.
Now I feel like I've lost my other half.
The connection we shared,
was so strong that it scared me.
I was afraid of doing something that could ruin everything,
and I did.

I've never felt a connection so strong in my life.
Your eyes were honest,
sometimes I could see doubt.
But the eyes are the windows to the soul.
Remember?

This is my heart speaking.
My mind knows what is not going to happen.
But my heart and soul craves for you.

My love-
I'm gonna scream at you
and do all sort of things,
but in the end I still love you.
I do want to support you,
but I feel like a second chance-
is no where in sight.

I guess I feel like I lost that opportunity.
I guess I will never get to know you well,
understand you.
I guess I will never be able to give our child,
a informative answer about you.
That right there -will spell everything out.

I don't want to continue lashing out-
I don't want to do that and tomorrow-
I find out that we will be attending your funereal.
I don't want to go through,
"What ifs?" or "If I..."
I don't.

Both sides of our family are hoping that things will work out.
They are asking and will keep on asking.
They want to see a complete family.
They want to see one for the child.
It kills me you know.
I know you get heat for it.
You're not the only one.
My family is doing the same.

But really it's not about us as individuals anymore.
It's about us being together for the child's sake.

Please understand,
I may be tired, sick and a whole lot of things.
But I think about you all the time.
I visualize how our child and you will play.
I visualize how mad I would be at you if you did something,
I don't approve of.
I visualize a lot.
At least I can say they all made me smile a lil.
At least I can say I am thinking happy future memories.
At least I try to keep thing on the positive end.

But my mind,
the wiser of the two,
Knows the answer.
The answer that breaks my heart.
The answer that is so harsh,
so cold-hearted,
that I'm left feeling like I'm a nobody, just a vessel.

My mind won't give it a rest.
Because of what it senses.
It wants the truth,
so that it can tell the heart to stop dreaming.
To stop hoping.
To stop everything before getting hurt again.

This is one of the many battles I fight.
I'm just waiting on you,
tell me the truth.

Written By: Gloria M. Matthews