Rearranging

I've grown up,
Moved on.

Though many think I will still be around,
The truth is I won't be.

I'm rearranging my life.
Separating those who are real
and those who are not.
Actions speak louder then words.
Don't tell me any different.

I'm rearranging my life,
taking charge of who I am.
Doing me.

I'm rearranging my life,
so I can give my son a peace of mind.
No men.
No Drama.
Just mommy and her Lil boy.

I'm rearranging my life,
I'm rearranging,
so deal with it.
If not, then begone.
Begone.

I'm tired.
I'm tired of interferences.
I'm tired of gossip.
I'm tired of mind games.
I'm tired of lies.
I'm tired of being kept in the dark.
I'm just tired!

I hate not knowing,
I hate finding out from someone else,
I hate it all!

I'm rearranging my life,
I can't keep up with who to believe,
I can't keep up with who to trust,
I can't keep up with anyone.

I'm rearranging my life.
I'm gonna try to live it my way.
I don't care if nobody agrees.
Only I know what's best for me.
Only I know what's best for my son.

I'm rearranging,
I don't want to fight anymore,
I don't want to argue anymore.
I don't want to bicker.
I'm tired of it all.

I'm rearranging.
It's my time to move on.
It's my time to be more real.
It's my time to be more of me.

I'm rearranging.
Clearing out my closet.
Throwing the trash out.
Saying goodbye to yesterdays.
I'm moving on.

I'm rearranging.
Put my guards back up.
Put my alert on high.
Put my mind first,
not my heart and soul.

I'm rearranging.
I'm rearranging.
I'm rearranging.

Note: This is a piece my life.
Everything and everyone is killing me slowly.
I fear for my son's life because I keep wondering if I will make it through the night.
Seriously, I'm left worrying about him.
Because of how things have came down, it all falls on me.
It all falls on me.
And some people make it quite clear to me each and every time - it is me.
And they are the one who want me gone for good.
I'm a fighter at heart. But like I said in a previous poem,
even a good and longtime fighter knows when to put the gloves up
and let nature do the rest.

At the end of the day, when my son is asleep.
I feel like it's the entire world against me. It makes me feel alone in so many ways,
that it isn't funny.
It challenges my thoughts, my positivity, my little light.
It challenges me as it torturers my soul.
Twisting and turning.
Screaming.
Wanting to be dead for good.
Thinking maybe this will make every one's life easier.

These negative energies keep getting stronger.
I'm only one.
I can only handle so much before it finally takes it's last slang.
My heart has been broken.
Shattered.
On a personal level.
Yet it's whole with my son.
Conflicted.
Is what I am.

I turn to God. I ask him to watch out for my son's family. I ask him to watch out for my family.
I turn to God and ask him to help those in need. Hardly do I ask for myself.
I feel like I don't deserve half the things in my life.
I feel like I shouldn't even be alive right now.
I feel like death is closing in on me.
I feel like I'm unworthy.
I feel like I'm unlovable.
I feel like I'm unwanted.
I feel like a one time use only camera.
If you had me once, I'm gone for good.
I just don't matter anymore.
I'm just a mere memory,
I'm just a mere piece of others lives.
I do not matter.
I feel inhuman.
I feel unreal.
I feel dead.
So many things I feel. Good and bad. Yet it's getting harder. I keep changing things up. But every time I do, it just gets worst. I'm sad. I'm in constant pain.
What to do?
What have I've done?
Where did I lose it all?
Where did I go wrong?
I used to know who I am,
now I don't anymore.
I just don't.
I feel out of place.
I feel like I have every right to be silent.
I feel like silent is becoming my world.
I feel like silent is my only company.
I feel like hell.

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