Stuck

You keep telling me to move on,
but you don't understand.
I'm stuck.

No, I'm really am.
I've been stuck for a long while now.
Trying to figure out,
Why am I still here?
Why am I still living?
Why can't I rest at peace?

I gave away my heart,
my full heart.
Don't you see?
I'm hurting here.
I was happy with you.
I founded a piece of myself in you.
I founded happiness in you.
Now...
You've moved on,
like I was just another gal.
I cry because it hurts.
You don't understand.

Yes, I would've married you.
Yes, I still would,
only if we could work things out.
But you've moved on,
and I know about her.

I'm sorry if I can't let you go.
I'm sorry if I'm a burden on you.
I'm just sorry for everything.
You really don't get it!

I know what happened,
I understand it's in the past.
But tell me,
how do you view me?
How do you feel about me?
Why didn't you give me a second chance?

I'm not a fan of drama.
I'm really not.
It seems that people are jealous,
when they see me happy and well.
As if my beauty doesn't make them jealous enough.
But you saw me for me.
How can you tell me to forget that?
How?
You earned my whole heart.
How can you tell me not to think about you?
You connected with me.
How can you tell me not to feel that?
How?
Just fucking tell me how?
How can you tell me,
I do not matter anymore?
How can you tell me,
to move on and there are bigger dreams for me?
How?
My dreams...
what do you know about them?
You really don't know.

I'm stuck and trying to figure out,
what the hell does this all mean.
Where do I stand?
You started over.
Me...barely.
Just barely.

I may have the materialistic things,
I may have my son,
but I'm missing someone in my life too.
Don't you get it?
Don't you understand?
My heart,
My whole heart still beats for you.
Yet,
you're treating me like yesterday's trash.
You know how badly that hurts?
You know how badly you hurted me?
You know how badly I want to know you,
yet you keep me at a distance?
How the hell are we suppose to understand each other?

Tell me something!
Tell me the truth!
Tell me straight that I'm right!
My gut is saying you're hiding something from me.
Hiding something from your family.
Yet your friends been dropping hints.
Your friends know what you are doing.
But when it comes to family,
you lie?
Why?

You know better.
This is the repayment,
you give back to your parents,
for raising you?
Wow,
that's a slap in the face.

You see I'm stuck.
Not in a good spot.
Questions are being asked.
Yet there are no answers.
Yet when there are no answers,
family knows something is wrong.

I'm stuck.
On this pod,
in a big stormy sea.
It's really dark,
and the little light,
doesn't give me much to go off on.

There are series of pods,
all surrounding me.
I must choose another pod before this one sinks.
But it's starting to sink.

I don't have the trust,
I used to have.
I don't have the confident,
to take that leap of faith.
I don't have the self- worth,
I once had,
to even save myself from drowning.
I'm stuck.
Frozen in fear.
Not knowing what pod is good or bad.

It's not about the knowing.
It's more of getting out of this,
long overdue rut I've been in for too long.
For every step I've taken,
I've always ended up back in the darkness.
Even though it seems as if my life looks good,
but on the inside,
nothing is what it appears to be.

So I'm trying to figure out,
my life, dreams, and more.
I'm trying to figure out who the hell am I.
I'm trying to figure out where I really belong.
Because I feel like I don't belong anywhere.

Besides being mom
teacher assistant,
friend,
and more.
I'm really asking,
who am I?
As an individual.

I look at all my old things,
my past achievements,
my life...
I feel like I don't even know that person anymore.
I feel like I lost myself,
I feel like I lost myself after my mom passed,
I feel like I lost myself after I lost you.

Now,
here I am.
Standing alone.
I'm scared.
No directions.
No advice.
No anything.

I can't even trust myself anymore!
Don't you see I'm stuck?!
Don't you?!

I don't know what else to do.
I really don't.
I feel like I'm a robot.
Living in a superfiscial world.
And my mind, spirit and heart,
out on the stormy waters,
alone.

I do my job.
I do everything.
But at the end of the day,
I have nobody to love me.
I have nobody to cater to me.
At the end of the day,
I kiss my son good night.
Tell him how much I love him.
I slowly shut his bedroom door.
Walk to my room...
with no one to tell me what I told my son.
with no one to comfort me.
with no one to hold me.
with no one to share my thoughts.
At the end of the day,
all I just wish is to have someone there for me.
Just as I am for my son.
Is that too much to ask for?

I'm stuck.
I'm slowly sinking.
Because I don't know which direction to go into.
I don't know where to go from here.
I just don't know.

I'm running out of time.
And I'm still stuck in this,
overdue rut.
Now I'm really fighting for my life.
I don't know why.
But this fight in me,
is making me wonder,
besides my son,
what am I fighting for.
And why?