Staying Positive

While my life may have stuffered some major blows, I'm still fighting to stay positive. In the last few years it's been a long hard fought battle to get to where I'm at now and I'm still fighting to survive with little that I have.

I don't have any money to continue on for my four year degree, I don't have enough experience in my own field, the one I graduated into -this is due to discrimination to being hard of hearing and the typical "Oh you don't have enough experience" deal when I show the drive to learn the job as fast as I can. I'm committed to getting things done but I'm so disappointed in the fact that I may not be able to get my four year degree for another few years. I live with my son who is a few month shy from being a year old and I have no help to relieve me from the everyday stressors, and I just got to deal with it day by day.

I've suffered major health blows in the last year and still dealing. I have missed out on already too many days of work due to health related issues and of course my son being ill from time to time. It makes it tough for me to stay focus and do what I need to be doing. I'm living below the poverty line as is and it's tough working minum wage job and making do with what you earn, especially with expenses being more then the income - which is everyone these days. So I understand living on a tight budget. I've sacrificed my hunger for bills that need to be paid and yet I've gotten so used to not eating that I barely have a hunger craving anymore. Yes, that's how bad I've become and yes I'm aware it could be the underlying cause to all my health problems, but what am I to do with very little resources I have? I do try to make the best of everything and work hard to maintain my sanity and provide my son with a healthy environment and make sure that he's well taken care of.

A lot I have sacrificed and it cost me my health in the end. I damn near lost my life due to a very server allergic reaction and my doctor even said I shouldn't be walking now, but I'm still here. My heart is broken and still healing from a lot of lies. Plus sprititually, I'm too scared to even talk to God these days for I feel like I messed up big time. I really shouldn't be, but with where my heart and mind is at the moment, I'm just lost in a world of craziness. I don't know what to believe anymore.

I had to get rid of a lot of people I thought I knew due to how much they love to gossip and create drama on top of it. They did a number on my personal life and life in general and to be honest, my advice to them is to stop acting like high schoolers and grow the fuck up! Excuse the language. I've always be the type to stay to herself and never socialize. I was a loner for the most part and I didn't mind that at all because I was focus on my own life goals, ones that gave me the drive to go for myself. Now, I have to struggle with getting focus again on what I want at the age of 25 and a half. Its tough now due to being more experience in life and lack of the Bachelor degree and work experiences (I have work experiences but more in the education sector then the business sector). So I'm trying to look at everything from a different perspective and trying to get a feel for where I can fit in. Lately, I never really fit in with anything. But when I'm drawing or using my creativity I feel like myself, but I don't even have the time of day to work on a decent piece. So there's a part of me I don't get around to at all.

I've lost a lot and it's been a hard road getting back on my feet and I'm still trying to stay above water. Memories good and bad haunts me as a reminder of who I am today. I breakdown because I feel alone in a lot of ways even though I still have my son who I love and adore with all my heart. It's not about having all the materialistic things in life, life is so much more then that.
I write to get my mind to focus on my emotions and where they lie with my daily living. I'm thanksful for having the things I do have in my life today and the people who have been keeping it on the real and for being straight-forward with me while being sensitive to my situation at the same time. I've lost a lot of friends but I could care less now. It was all betrayal and being fakes and that's not who I am.

I've met people who've lost more then me and it's them who make me thanksful to have what I have today. I've heard the most heart-wrenching stories told and it reminds me to Thanks God for being blessed for the things I do have. I respect people who have to struggle because they understand to the fullest extend that nothing ever comes easy, even when you fall off the high horse, it's not easy to get back on. But it takes a lot of of people to get back on their feet with very little help and to be honest, not a lot of people are aware of that. I've volunteered for anti-proverty organizations and currently work for one now, let me tell you if you think you have it bad, think about the children who have to wear the same clothes everyday and eat not even a full meal a day. Think about the parents who have to sacrifice themselves to put food into their kids mouths while they suffer sever health problems which is detoritating their over well-being. Think about the families who have a house, but had to sell things they owned to make ends meet. Then think about how it comes down to losing the house after starvation of the adults and the kids. It hurts their pride. It hurts the adults even more for they feel like failures and how they have to look at their kids and be sorry for how everything is. It hurts them deeply. The kids see this and they in turn act as an adult to support their parents emotionally. It's not something to watch or even see. It's like, why is everyone not helping? Why don't people see this? The answer...nobody listens, nobody wants to help another family who is in poverty. There's a lot of factors as to why. But I'm sure just by people reading this their reasons is the answer.

Right now I feel like I'm in the fight for and of my life. I'm struggling to do me and worry about me, but I never think about that these days. As a single mom, I worry and think about my son a lot. I'm working on getting him set up first and making sure I can secure his future. Once I've done that then I can work on myself. But even now, I'm working on myself but not giving even half the effort. It's frustrating and I don't say anything, nada.

I'm more down in the dumps then out. Trying to stay positive is hard. There were two people who were positive in my life and I lost them both. Because I did, I lost the two people that understood me best when it came down to a lot of situations and they were the ones who reminded me of my qualities and showed me how to stay strong even when I was weak. I'm known to be the strongest person that some have ever known because of what they know of me. 'Til this very day they still see me in that light when I really am not feeling 100% of what I used to be. I should be thanksful for that perspective and view, but my pride and ego has been damage. My accomplishments feel like old news to me. Everything I've worked hard for doesn't matter or even count now, it feels like yesterday's trash. I know what I just wrote. But this is how I feel, this is why I have a hard time trying to get into a positive mental state with very little support these days. Very little.

If I could I would live in the woods for a few years, drive an old jeep that runs well to get me to town and back, just so I can search for my inner strength, a new me and to understand which direction I want to take in my life. To be isolated from people, it's not like I haven't been isolated before. My friends, hardly invite me out or ask to join them for an outing. People who know me say things and never hold up their end. I always try my hardest to hold up my end but in the end it was all for nothing.

For a young women like me, you would think I would have my doctorate degree by now. But I don't. Instead I'm struggling and fighting to get by and doing the best I can. I'm not happy and I want to be. No man will make me happy. I got to be happy for me first or else I'm just a walking zombie. It's hard when you love someone and they don't love you the same way back. That bothers me a lot. You give your all and the people come in between detroy everything without finding out the truth until its too late. Now that hurts. I could've had everything but I lost it. Now I'm left with nothing but pieces to work with or from. Pieces of me, I'm scattered everywhere. My entire being is rebuilding from scratch. The last hit was the hard hit I ever took and it broke me into bits and bits of pieces. I learned that we are breakable regardless of how strong we may appear in any manner. At one point or another, even the soul gets shattered and loses it faith and its beliefs. At that moment, the soul is in the darkness and is looking for a light to help out. But when you lose it all, including your own being who do you turn to in the end when no o ne else is there? My heart knows the very true answer to that.

So when I speak of not only my stories, I want you to hear the voices of others. There are people out there that should be successful because they are intelligent but the lacked guidance and a helping hand to show them the ropes of how to maintain not only themselves but an image that would give them recognition. Many believe you have to do it all on your own, the truth is, not everyone does it all on their own, they network and contact people who can give them the right advice and from there they are on their way. We all use the help whether we acknowlegde it or not. The truth is, when you do go for yourself, thank the people you had to go to and through to get you to where you are now.

Well that is all for tonight. I'll work on trying to stay positive but it's not easy when you are going broke from month to month.