It's a Funny Thing Life
For a while now I've been getting strong feelings about my own situtation. I just couldn't say what it was, but I've known for a long time now. All I ever wanted was honesty - the truth. Instead I was kept in the dark, given false hopes and hurt because of that. Now my heart must decide which route to take? Eventually, I know I will have to move on but the question is, Is this it? I mean, I wasted my emotions, my heart, my hopes, my voice on someone who made empty promises, someone who constantly blamed me and made me wish I never existed. Yet, as usual, there is always another girl and I'm never gonna be good enough for anybody, not even to get a second chance. That hurts the most.
I've grown up in church and believe the words of God spoke true. I'll admit that I have swayed far from the good book, but have come to realized I'm being called to come back home. I'm not talking anything death-like, but more of a return to follow what God intended for me to do. Like tomorrow I was planning to do something but instead I get a call tonight from work to work tomorrow. Almost like a sign telling me to not do what I'm about to do, to wait it out.
Yes, my heart is hurting and I can feel it in my throat. But I know if there is someone out there willing to take care of me and my son, without making me feel like I'm better off being dead or worthless for that matter, then I just may take my chance. However, I'm gonna need five years of no communication and five years of free space to recover emotionally and mentally from this mess I got myself in. I'm human and I remember what's its like to go through series of emotions and making excuses to escape by any means necessary. I remember.
I have my regrets, but I try not to dwell. Even though the past is the past, it'll always be a reminder of who I am today, regardless. I try to stick it out even when I'm hurting in the process, but it does make me miserable and unhappy.
I write because I'm sad. I write because it's the only comforting way I can express myself.
My heart is suffucating and I can barely breath. I'm thinking of making some decisions to make. Those decisions are not happy decisions, anything happy doesn't really exist in my life right now.
I've grown up in church and believe the words of God spoke true. I'll admit that I have swayed far from the good book, but have come to realized I'm being called to come back home. I'm not talking anything death-like, but more of a return to follow what God intended for me to do. Like tomorrow I was planning to do something but instead I get a call tonight from work to work tomorrow. Almost like a sign telling me to not do what I'm about to do, to wait it out.
Yes, my heart is hurting and I can feel it in my throat. But I know if there is someone out there willing to take care of me and my son, without making me feel like I'm better off being dead or worthless for that matter, then I just may take my chance. However, I'm gonna need five years of no communication and five years of free space to recover emotionally and mentally from this mess I got myself in. I'm human and I remember what's its like to go through series of emotions and making excuses to escape by any means necessary. I remember.
I have my regrets, but I try not to dwell. Even though the past is the past, it'll always be a reminder of who I am today, regardless. I try to stick it out even when I'm hurting in the process, but it does make me miserable and unhappy.
I write because I'm sad. I write because it's the only comforting way I can express myself.
My heart is suffucating and I can barely breath. I'm thinking of making some decisions to make. Those decisions are not happy decisions, anything happy doesn't really exist in my life right now.
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