Forgetting to love myself
Even though I have expressed my anger, despair, sadness and lost of hope, I have forgotten how to love myself.
You know, I don't have many friends and I do not intent on making new ones any time this year. After just thinking about my life the last ten years, it's been nothing but stress, pain and disloyalty of friends.
I ask myself, where did I fall, when did I start falling and how. I was doing fine when I got away from home and did my thing in college, I was head strong and focus but most importantly I felt happy and more of myself. I only had one good year, one year of being free of oppressions and judgements, one year of being able to feel great in my own skin. What happened?
I moved home, my mother was terminally ill, I knew. I didn't move home on my own terms, I moved home because my mother asked me too. I transferred my credits to a nearby two-year private school and from there the battle was just the beginning. I was doing well in school, working two small part-time jobs and doing my best to help my mother out. However, her so-called ass of an husband who has a history of abusing women, did not like how I was in charge of the decision-making process. So, I dealt with waking up to threating letters in the morning, arguments and near violent outburts, which I am capable of hurting just about anyone regardless of who they are. I do not like fighting, but when it comes to family, no one crosses that line with me.
Things got tough, I started seeing a counselor then shortly a shrink for sleeping meds. I became unhappy and my world was fighting a battle that was dark as night. Not knowing or being able to see what's in front of you, you find yourself making hasty decisions and only to find out it wasn't the best choice.
I am known to be a sweet person, intelligent, laidback and down to earth. My smile makes everyone day a little bit more brighter. However, my smile will always remain, but on the inside I'm just so full of saddness, haunted by my own emotions and the last five years. What is that I did wrong?
You know, I don't have many friends and I do not intent on making new ones any time this year. After just thinking about my life the last ten years, it's been nothing but stress, pain and disloyalty of friends.
I ask myself, where did I fall, when did I start falling and how. I was doing fine when I got away from home and did my thing in college, I was head strong and focus but most importantly I felt happy and more of myself. I only had one good year, one year of being free of oppressions and judgements, one year of being able to feel great in my own skin. What happened?
I moved home, my mother was terminally ill, I knew. I didn't move home on my own terms, I moved home because my mother asked me too. I transferred my credits to a nearby two-year private school and from there the battle was just the beginning. I was doing well in school, working two small part-time jobs and doing my best to help my mother out. However, her so-called ass of an husband who has a history of abusing women, did not like how I was in charge of the decision-making process. So, I dealt with waking up to threating letters in the morning, arguments and near violent outburts, which I am capable of hurting just about anyone regardless of who they are. I do not like fighting, but when it comes to family, no one crosses that line with me.
Things got tough, I started seeing a counselor then shortly a shrink for sleeping meds. I became unhappy and my world was fighting a battle that was dark as night. Not knowing or being able to see what's in front of you, you find yourself making hasty decisions and only to find out it wasn't the best choice.
I am known to be a sweet person, intelligent, laidback and down to earth. My smile makes everyone day a little bit more brighter. However, my smile will always remain, but on the inside I'm just so full of saddness, haunted by my own emotions and the last five years. What is that I did wrong?
March 2, 2010
It isn't so much of what I did wrong, but more of how I made my decisions, my own. I learned that I cannot control what happens around me or how people choose to be. I learned that at the end of the day, it's just me vs. the world. At the end of the day, all I can do is be thanksful to make it through another day.
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