Family
In recent weeks, I have been speaking to a very few of my close friends about dealing with family situations. I have been thinking about how everyone goes for themselves these days and families falling apart. My mother always said to go for yourself, my grandmother said the same thing and quite a few others have said it as well.
Now that we live in an era where divorce rates are high, people getting married for all the wrong reasons without thought, a strong family structure isn't what it used to be. One of my male friends who I've known for almost ten years, hurt himself because he doesn't deal well with group or family living situations well. He left one place to live with his parents, only to find out he want to return back to the crowded living space where he was a danger to himself and others originally. He still believes he is a danger to himself and others around him. What he does, he keeps all his issues bottled up, he blames his parents for exposing him to drinking and alcohol at a young age and leaving him damaged for "life". He admitted that he never talked about any of his problems, including his counselor when he had one. Instead he decides to tell me. Instead of calling 911 or crisis hot line, he AIM me to tell me that he took a razor blade to his forehead and slice it open. Mind you, I do not live nearby to call any hot line number or even 911. So imagine what was going through my mind and I got issues of my own to be dealing with.
Come to find out, he runs from one place to another, thinking no problems will not arise and that he will be better off. The only thing was, he never dealt with his parents, even as they opened up their home to him to keep him from harming himself, he still hasn't learned to deal with the dynamics of family situations that can occur on a daily basis. Both of his parents have been sober for years and are trying to make up for it while they themselves try to work out family issues, only he doesn't want to be involved in the process.
When I think of my friend's family situation, it is similar to mine. However, the only difference was someone gave me advice while I was going through rough patches with my own family and it helped me deal with my situations efficiently. "If the situation becomes too much talk to me (my counselor)
and then talk to your friends." Its always a good thing to have a professional in your corner because many times we try to take on everything thinking we are superhuman, only to be reminded that we are not. Through that attitude (being superhuman), we only set ourselves up for more disappointments.
I know no one family is perfect. However, I must disagree with "Go for yourself" advice when it comes to dealing with family. "Go for yourself," to me is, if I find myself in a predicament where my well-being and happiness is threaten, I will leave without question. Yet, it is not easy to come to the conclusion to leave without notice especially when there are more then one person involved. Trust me, it broke my heart to make the choices I did, but it was emotionally and psychologically draining. I have done it with my own family a few times.
When there is a lack of support or a lack of positivity or even both, for anyone, all they want is to make things better by the end of the day for everyone. Making everyone happy, so that they can all get along, but the person who attempts at that is always unhappy themselves and find themselves going unnoticed, unrecognized, just invisible. It demoralizing.
When mom, dad, or whoever it may be do certain things that you don't like, don't hold it against them. They still love you but hate themselves even more when they hear of their own mistakes that they wish they could take back personally. Sometimes, explaining things to your own child isn't the easiest thing to do and especially when you are trying to preserve the respect of the other parent or adult that is in the child's life. When one parent refuses to speak of another, its because there may be things you may not want to believe or accept and it could also be that they are giving you the opportunity to find out yourself, if you are one who have to find out for yourself type. Sometimes, it all boils down to protecting the child from unwanted emotional breakdowns, psychological breakdowns or image distortion, but regardless as a child gets older, even an adult child, they may develop issues with who they are and why they can't get the answers they want.
A child, deserves a family, a family deserves each other. We can choose our friends but we cannot choose our families. Therefore, why not try to make the most of it? Families are bounded to have their screw-ups, liars, the drinker, the smarty pants, the Miss or Mr. goody two shoe, honest Abe (the one everyone wants to literally kill) and a whole line of mixed personalities. We even have clashes of generations where what is wrong to one may be right to the other and vice versa. However, when everyone sees something is wrong, regardless of age difference, they will all come together and be on an agreement.
So for any adult child, don't hate on your parents for not agreeing with you, giving you what you want or little petty things. I hear a lot of my friends complain about their parents' flaws and all, and I remind them at least be graceful for what they have done for you, even for providing a roof over their heads after 21 years of age. I even remind them that, despite their complains, as their parents get older, they will find themselves in the position of taking care of their parents and even making tough decisions regarding family business and life and death. I did all of that before turning 21. Now I look back and I see way more value in what family is really about. Life will not be fair to any of us, but to wake up everyday and know that the only parent you've known or both are gone from your life physically, its a drag. But after a few years of grief, you come to re-accept them into your life spiritually. Yet a part of you will always miss the arguments, the fights and the disagreements. Because they got you thinking and they are the ones who wanted nothing but the best for you. Your family, despite imperfections, will want nothing but the best for you.
I may have been doubted on many levels and I am no expert on family, for I don't come from the best nor perfect family myself. However, one thing I know is when one does go for themselves one hundred percent in a family situation, they cannot blame others for "making them" make the choice they did. This is a pet peeve for me, when I hear this from my friends. I love them to pieces and I hate to say I sense regret and resentment from them. They all don't want to admit it, but when they start to say, "I wish I would've known....then I wouldn't have...." or "Man....I was selfish...all I saw was a mess I didn't like....but really...." or "Why did I do that?" All I can say defense mechanism. We all have them. Sometimes we shut out those closest to us, when they know us best. Its easy to do, but hard to forget the feelings that came with it.
Family will be family, you can turn them against each other and destroy them and when that happens no one wants to have anything to do with anyone, breaking the bond that withstood many trial and errors together as a family, will disrupt future generations who will want to know who their ancestors are. Remember, Family tree? I had that trouble and didn't get a good grade on it because my family practically destroyed each other and didn't want us to know who was who. But as I got older, I found out why and to be honest I think it was really stupid for what the one family member did. I mean REALLY STUPID. I wanted to knock the entire family on the back of their heads. A shame I say. But why turn family or get them to take sides, I mean that's what happened in my family and it was honestly the stupidest thing ever. Why not just let it be, let family come around and understand instead of forcing it.
Today we live in a world with no boundaries. We believe we are entitled to have whatever we want and however we want. We believe we have the right to do as we please no matter who gets hurt in the process as long as its not us. We believe in having whatever we please, regardless to what others think or feel. We believe in getting our way one way or another with no regards to consequences and its effects on us. Because we take advantage of the freedom we have, I believe it is the reason why many have become so rude and inconsiderate. No one takes the time to listen anymore, no one takes the time to talk things out civilly. No one takes time to appreciate life or show it. No one does anything humanity. It's like everyone has become a robot and families are diminishing in manners and appreciation. Everyone is going for themselves. To me, I'm sad to see that.
I see my classmates post, "Thanks God for Nick Jr. I can do whatever I want or need to do, it's my babysitter". When I read stuff like that, I feel sorry for the child. I don't put my own child in front of a TV just so I can do what I want, instead I interact with him and teach him little chores and manners. I teach him how to be a human being who can learn to think for himself and not take what he learns on TV and others. I teach him how to be considerate of others and how to deal with simple situations. He does well, very well and I'm proud of him. I want him to learn and have the drive to explore beyond his wildest dreams. And its not just me who want him to do that but his father as well. As parents, you got to teach your child to be an active learner, foster their environment and enhance it whichever way possible. You got to be proactive and willing to allow your child to fall, so that they can learn that its okay to fall and get back up and try again. Regardless, family will always be the first teachers in a child's life. And how well they do in life will be a reflection upon the support system that was built in place for them.
No one child is perfect, they are all gifted and talented in areas that they were blessed with. The same applies to us as adults, we are all blessed with families, gifts and talents. We are all meant to be in this world for a reason, and if that reason is for a greater good other then your own personal ambitions, you know your place in this world. When someone says think bigger, what do they mean by that? "Be the change you wish to see in this world."
So as for my good friend, I hope he will be able to learn how to forgive his parents for what they did and learn how to better handle family situations without having to feel the need to escape every time a situation arises. It saddens me because all of our mutual friends speak highly of him and we all wish him well. And for my other friends who have spoken to me about family issues, its really how you look at it, but sometimes you got to put yourself in their shoes to fully understand their reasoning. You can argue all day if you want or even until you are blue in the face, but understand by the end of the day, regardless of what it is, its not just about you, its about everyone else who is struggling not only for themselves but struggling to keep the family whole.
If you live for your family, you know their is no greater sacrifice made once a child is born, because the child is the biggest sacrifice one could ever make because its a selfless act. Giving up one's way of life to raise another, is the ultimate sacrifice. A sacrifice many mothers make and in hope that their child would appreciate them for that sacrifice as they become adults and parents themselves. So before anyone decides to point the finger, think about the times your parents came up in, the location and what was going on. Parents will not tell you everything, but they do expect you to be understanding as you get older and respectful of their opinions and how they feel about certain things. Sometimes we feel like we need to know more, I was in that position with my mother and I didn't really hear everything until she was in her last final weeks in life. I gotta say some things are best left unsaid. Trust me, your parents have demons of their own and regrets, but they are proud of their children accomplishments. Your family members have demons of their own, they all struggle to live life in God's eyes. Just like I said, no one family is perfect. No child is ever a mistake and should never feel like one.
"All things great and small"....God loves us through our imperfections in hopes we will meet up with him on the same page. In hopes, that some of us repent our ways to come back into his good graces. In hopes, that all will be forgiven and that we can all count our blessings. Family or not, there's someone out there watching over all of us.
Now that we live in an era where divorce rates are high, people getting married for all the wrong reasons without thought, a strong family structure isn't what it used to be. One of my male friends who I've known for almost ten years, hurt himself because he doesn't deal well with group or family living situations well. He left one place to live with his parents, only to find out he want to return back to the crowded living space where he was a danger to himself and others originally. He still believes he is a danger to himself and others around him. What he does, he keeps all his issues bottled up, he blames his parents for exposing him to drinking and alcohol at a young age and leaving him damaged for "life". He admitted that he never talked about any of his problems, including his counselor when he had one. Instead he decides to tell me. Instead of calling 911 or crisis hot line, he AIM me to tell me that he took a razor blade to his forehead and slice it open. Mind you, I do not live nearby to call any hot line number or even 911. So imagine what was going through my mind and I got issues of my own to be dealing with.
Come to find out, he runs from one place to another, thinking no problems will not arise and that he will be better off. The only thing was, he never dealt with his parents, even as they opened up their home to him to keep him from harming himself, he still hasn't learned to deal with the dynamics of family situations that can occur on a daily basis. Both of his parents have been sober for years and are trying to make up for it while they themselves try to work out family issues, only he doesn't want to be involved in the process.
When I think of my friend's family situation, it is similar to mine. However, the only difference was someone gave me advice while I was going through rough patches with my own family and it helped me deal with my situations efficiently. "If the situation becomes too much talk to me (my counselor)
and then talk to your friends." Its always a good thing to have a professional in your corner because many times we try to take on everything thinking we are superhuman, only to be reminded that we are not. Through that attitude (being superhuman), we only set ourselves up for more disappointments.
I know no one family is perfect. However, I must disagree with "Go for yourself" advice when it comes to dealing with family. "Go for yourself," to me is, if I find myself in a predicament where my well-being and happiness is threaten, I will leave without question. Yet, it is not easy to come to the conclusion to leave without notice especially when there are more then one person involved. Trust me, it broke my heart to make the choices I did, but it was emotionally and psychologically draining. I have done it with my own family a few times.
When there is a lack of support or a lack of positivity or even both, for anyone, all they want is to make things better by the end of the day for everyone. Making everyone happy, so that they can all get along, but the person who attempts at that is always unhappy themselves and find themselves going unnoticed, unrecognized, just invisible. It demoralizing.
When mom, dad, or whoever it may be do certain things that you don't like, don't hold it against them. They still love you but hate themselves even more when they hear of their own mistakes that they wish they could take back personally. Sometimes, explaining things to your own child isn't the easiest thing to do and especially when you are trying to preserve the respect of the other parent or adult that is in the child's life. When one parent refuses to speak of another, its because there may be things you may not want to believe or accept and it could also be that they are giving you the opportunity to find out yourself, if you are one who have to find out for yourself type. Sometimes, it all boils down to protecting the child from unwanted emotional breakdowns, psychological breakdowns or image distortion, but regardless as a child gets older, even an adult child, they may develop issues with who they are and why they can't get the answers they want.
A child, deserves a family, a family deserves each other. We can choose our friends but we cannot choose our families. Therefore, why not try to make the most of it? Families are bounded to have their screw-ups, liars, the drinker, the smarty pants, the Miss or Mr. goody two shoe, honest Abe (the one everyone wants to literally kill) and a whole line of mixed personalities. We even have clashes of generations where what is wrong to one may be right to the other and vice versa. However, when everyone sees something is wrong, regardless of age difference, they will all come together and be on an agreement.
So for any adult child, don't hate on your parents for not agreeing with you, giving you what you want or little petty things. I hear a lot of my friends complain about their parents' flaws and all, and I remind them at least be graceful for what they have done for you, even for providing a roof over their heads after 21 years of age. I even remind them that, despite their complains, as their parents get older, they will find themselves in the position of taking care of their parents and even making tough decisions regarding family business and life and death. I did all of that before turning 21. Now I look back and I see way more value in what family is really about. Life will not be fair to any of us, but to wake up everyday and know that the only parent you've known or both are gone from your life physically, its a drag. But after a few years of grief, you come to re-accept them into your life spiritually. Yet a part of you will always miss the arguments, the fights and the disagreements. Because they got you thinking and they are the ones who wanted nothing but the best for you. Your family, despite imperfections, will want nothing but the best for you.
I may have been doubted on many levels and I am no expert on family, for I don't come from the best nor perfect family myself. However, one thing I know is when one does go for themselves one hundred percent in a family situation, they cannot blame others for "making them" make the choice they did. This is a pet peeve for me, when I hear this from my friends. I love them to pieces and I hate to say I sense regret and resentment from them. They all don't want to admit it, but when they start to say, "I wish I would've known....then I wouldn't have...." or "Man....I was selfish...all I saw was a mess I didn't like....but really...." or "Why did I do that?" All I can say defense mechanism. We all have them. Sometimes we shut out those closest to us, when they know us best. Its easy to do, but hard to forget the feelings that came with it.
Family will be family, you can turn them against each other and destroy them and when that happens no one wants to have anything to do with anyone, breaking the bond that withstood many trial and errors together as a family, will disrupt future generations who will want to know who their ancestors are. Remember, Family tree? I had that trouble and didn't get a good grade on it because my family practically destroyed each other and didn't want us to know who was who. But as I got older, I found out why and to be honest I think it was really stupid for what the one family member did. I mean REALLY STUPID. I wanted to knock the entire family on the back of their heads. A shame I say. But why turn family or get them to take sides, I mean that's what happened in my family and it was honestly the stupidest thing ever. Why not just let it be, let family come around and understand instead of forcing it.
Today we live in a world with no boundaries. We believe we are entitled to have whatever we want and however we want. We believe we have the right to do as we please no matter who gets hurt in the process as long as its not us. We believe in having whatever we please, regardless to what others think or feel. We believe in getting our way one way or another with no regards to consequences and its effects on us. Because we take advantage of the freedom we have, I believe it is the reason why many have become so rude and inconsiderate. No one takes the time to listen anymore, no one takes the time to talk things out civilly. No one takes time to appreciate life or show it. No one does anything humanity. It's like everyone has become a robot and families are diminishing in manners and appreciation. Everyone is going for themselves. To me, I'm sad to see that.
I see my classmates post, "Thanks God for Nick Jr. I can do whatever I want or need to do, it's my babysitter". When I read stuff like that, I feel sorry for the child. I don't put my own child in front of a TV just so I can do what I want, instead I interact with him and teach him little chores and manners. I teach him how to be a human being who can learn to think for himself and not take what he learns on TV and others. I teach him how to be considerate of others and how to deal with simple situations. He does well, very well and I'm proud of him. I want him to learn and have the drive to explore beyond his wildest dreams. And its not just me who want him to do that but his father as well. As parents, you got to teach your child to be an active learner, foster their environment and enhance it whichever way possible. You got to be proactive and willing to allow your child to fall, so that they can learn that its okay to fall and get back up and try again. Regardless, family will always be the first teachers in a child's life. And how well they do in life will be a reflection upon the support system that was built in place for them.
No one child is perfect, they are all gifted and talented in areas that they were blessed with. The same applies to us as adults, we are all blessed with families, gifts and talents. We are all meant to be in this world for a reason, and if that reason is for a greater good other then your own personal ambitions, you know your place in this world. When someone says think bigger, what do they mean by that? "Be the change you wish to see in this world."
So as for my good friend, I hope he will be able to learn how to forgive his parents for what they did and learn how to better handle family situations without having to feel the need to escape every time a situation arises. It saddens me because all of our mutual friends speak highly of him and we all wish him well. And for my other friends who have spoken to me about family issues, its really how you look at it, but sometimes you got to put yourself in their shoes to fully understand their reasoning. You can argue all day if you want or even until you are blue in the face, but understand by the end of the day, regardless of what it is, its not just about you, its about everyone else who is struggling not only for themselves but struggling to keep the family whole.
If you live for your family, you know their is no greater sacrifice made once a child is born, because the child is the biggest sacrifice one could ever make because its a selfless act. Giving up one's way of life to raise another, is the ultimate sacrifice. A sacrifice many mothers make and in hope that their child would appreciate them for that sacrifice as they become adults and parents themselves. So before anyone decides to point the finger, think about the times your parents came up in, the location and what was going on. Parents will not tell you everything, but they do expect you to be understanding as you get older and respectful of their opinions and how they feel about certain things. Sometimes we feel like we need to know more, I was in that position with my mother and I didn't really hear everything until she was in her last final weeks in life. I gotta say some things are best left unsaid. Trust me, your parents have demons of their own and regrets, but they are proud of their children accomplishments. Your family members have demons of their own, they all struggle to live life in God's eyes. Just like I said, no one family is perfect. No child is ever a mistake and should never feel like one.
"All things great and small"....God loves us through our imperfections in hopes we will meet up with him on the same page. In hopes, that some of us repent our ways to come back into his good graces. In hopes, that all will be forgiven and that we can all count our blessings. Family or not, there's someone out there watching over all of us.
Comments
Post a Comment