Learning to Live Again: Life goes on
There is something that we all hold dear and close to our hearts; then there are those who we hold close and dear to our hearts and when we lose that something or someone it feels like we lose a part of ourselves and our lives. Whether its through death, a long departure, a break up, a disagreement, or a misunderstanding, we all lose something of value, something that meant something to us and sometimes we do not realize how much we really cared. So we mourn and some of us beat ourselves up over what could have been different instead of thinking about what our experiences have taught us and what could we do in the future to be different. The point is Life goes on.
When I look back at all that I have been through and the ones I lost in my life and the things I lost, it was hard to see that light at the end of the tunnel. It was so dark and lonely and unhappy. I couldn't even look beyond the next day. Even when my ex and I used to argue, he just did not know, how much I really did love him and how it hurt me every time something negative came out of his mouth pushed me further down into a deep darkness where I honestly thought to myself, "I am not worthy of this life. I am not worthy or good enough for anyone. I'm just a burden and no one wants someone who has baggage." Yes, I was at the point of actually contemplating on taking my own life and I was a new mom. I can not tell you how it felt to be told you are loved but it is not enough based on what others have spoken of me. Yes, somehow I founded out I was called crazy, wild and naive and what hurts is when the person I loved believed that, it killed me. It really did. What many do not understand, I did not know what to do with myself after I had lost my own mother and yes, I was acting out and doing whatever and even then I felt like I would be better off dead then to deal with all the emptiness in my life. "I am hard of hearing, who wants to be with me anyways", I thought to myself several times and then I said, "Most guys just want to get their piece of cake and just go with someone who is healthy and strong with no hearing loss." I thought that for a real long time and now I am not too fond of men today and their hidden intentions. But through it all, one by one, I sought help for myself and one by one, I started the long awaited healing process. I do not think anyone could understand how dark my world was and how hard it was to find that light in my life again.
As I think about it, I have not had the best of luck with men, ever. I have been taken advantage of and raped at one point in my life and then used for just sex only and I fell deeply in love for the first time in a long time and for once it felt perfect and then everything went up into flames. So basically, I look at it this way I am wanted but unwanted. However, I refuse to live my life relying on a man for my happiness to exist. I know I am wanted and I will surround myself with those who have the utmost respect for me as a person and a human being. I will ask men why they are interested in me and if they give me the wrong answer, it is out the door. I am not playing games anymore. Just get straight to the point. I have been used to doing everything on my own, including fixing things and moving things around and do what a man is suppose to do, I almost feel like, "What's the point of having a guy around when I can do most of the work on my own?" So, as I told my friend's mother, "Whoever gets me will have to deal with me wearing both the pants and dress in the relationship, I am not changing how I do things for myself." I am who I am and no one can change that about me. So it's either accept and take me for who I am or there is the door. Yet my life will continue to go on.
When life gets hectic and one thing after another keeps popping up, it is never ending. I had to learn how to face my own illness and accept the fact that I will not be able to function normally without my medicines. Major Depressive Mood Disorders with Generalize Anxiety can keep you in a very dark cycle, even leading up to suicide, if one does not come to terms with the fact that they need help or someone does not help them get the help they need, life just stops all around. Everything remains unchanged and dark. Silent can be louder. Words - have no meaning. Everything is lifeless. I had to face surgeries and medical issues and diagnoses after diagnoses. Today, I am feeling happier, livelier, and freedom. I still have little things to deal with, but life goes on and I will not let anything slow me down or keep me from doing what I love.
Mourning - it is a process. I do not think, we personally stop mourning the ones we lose in life. I lost my mother to cancer about over six and a half years ago and even now when I speak out about it, I still get a bit teary eyed. But its getting better as times passes. Its all about surrounding myself with the right people and people who are positive about life. I finally have a great support system and one that I can rely on. I am learning it is okay to ask for help, from those who are willing to give it. My life has been improving and looking brighter.
Today I am enjoying my single hood and being very skeptical of men who do show interest and I know it is not fair, but when your heart gets shattered into a million of pieces, you are protecting your heart and soul. As a mom, I enjoying raising my three year old son Michael, he has been the reason why I never gave up on myself completely, so he is my little angle of light, my little blessing. Without him, I don't think I would be here today writing these blogs.
It is through my faith, even when I had very, very little, I prayed out loud to God one night and I just asked him to forgive me for my sins and to take away my pain and hurt. From that point on, little by little, the burden I was carrying became lighter and lighter and it is through my faith I have been able to look forward to another day. I read my bible and attend church when I can. I pray when I need some direction in my life now and then and the strength to get me through my days or weeks. I know many do not understand who God is or what God is about, but read the bible and see for yourself. Life does go on and you can be born again to live again. I am still healing and still recovering, but at my own pace. I will not rush or hurry myself, for patience is virtue. Keep in mind, you only live life once. Live as if it was your final days on earth and you know how valuable life is.
As you have read, I have been through a lot and emotionally and mentally, it was killing me. But I had to learn how to live again, how to be more assertive again and how to be more approachable. In the process, I learned to use humor as a way to lighten things up. I am still learning for this is my first real summer in a long time that I am actually enjoying myself to the fullest. Life is too short for petty little things. Life is too short to have arguments. My journey from here on out will be with God in my life. If God wants me to be married, I am willing to wait for the one he has chosen for me and I am okay with that. My wedding will be in a church for I was brought up and raised in church as a young girl. So who knows what the future holds, all I know is to take it a day at a time and that life does goes on.
When I look back at all that I have been through and the ones I lost in my life and the things I lost, it was hard to see that light at the end of the tunnel. It was so dark and lonely and unhappy. I couldn't even look beyond the next day. Even when my ex and I used to argue, he just did not know, how much I really did love him and how it hurt me every time something negative came out of his mouth pushed me further down into a deep darkness where I honestly thought to myself, "I am not worthy of this life. I am not worthy or good enough for anyone. I'm just a burden and no one wants someone who has baggage." Yes, I was at the point of actually contemplating on taking my own life and I was a new mom. I can not tell you how it felt to be told you are loved but it is not enough based on what others have spoken of me. Yes, somehow I founded out I was called crazy, wild and naive and what hurts is when the person I loved believed that, it killed me. It really did. What many do not understand, I did not know what to do with myself after I had lost my own mother and yes, I was acting out and doing whatever and even then I felt like I would be better off dead then to deal with all the emptiness in my life. "I am hard of hearing, who wants to be with me anyways", I thought to myself several times and then I said, "Most guys just want to get their piece of cake and just go with someone who is healthy and strong with no hearing loss." I thought that for a real long time and now I am not too fond of men today and their hidden intentions. But through it all, one by one, I sought help for myself and one by one, I started the long awaited healing process. I do not think anyone could understand how dark my world was and how hard it was to find that light in my life again.
As I think about it, I have not had the best of luck with men, ever. I have been taken advantage of and raped at one point in my life and then used for just sex only and I fell deeply in love for the first time in a long time and for once it felt perfect and then everything went up into flames. So basically, I look at it this way I am wanted but unwanted. However, I refuse to live my life relying on a man for my happiness to exist. I know I am wanted and I will surround myself with those who have the utmost respect for me as a person and a human being. I will ask men why they are interested in me and if they give me the wrong answer, it is out the door. I am not playing games anymore. Just get straight to the point. I have been used to doing everything on my own, including fixing things and moving things around and do what a man is suppose to do, I almost feel like, "What's the point of having a guy around when I can do most of the work on my own?" So, as I told my friend's mother, "Whoever gets me will have to deal with me wearing both the pants and dress in the relationship, I am not changing how I do things for myself." I am who I am and no one can change that about me. So it's either accept and take me for who I am or there is the door. Yet my life will continue to go on.
When life gets hectic and one thing after another keeps popping up, it is never ending. I had to learn how to face my own illness and accept the fact that I will not be able to function normally without my medicines. Major Depressive Mood Disorders with Generalize Anxiety can keep you in a very dark cycle, even leading up to suicide, if one does not come to terms with the fact that they need help or someone does not help them get the help they need, life just stops all around. Everything remains unchanged and dark. Silent can be louder. Words - have no meaning. Everything is lifeless. I had to face surgeries and medical issues and diagnoses after diagnoses. Today, I am feeling happier, livelier, and freedom. I still have little things to deal with, but life goes on and I will not let anything slow me down or keep me from doing what I love.
Mourning - it is a process. I do not think, we personally stop mourning the ones we lose in life. I lost my mother to cancer about over six and a half years ago and even now when I speak out about it, I still get a bit teary eyed. But its getting better as times passes. Its all about surrounding myself with the right people and people who are positive about life. I finally have a great support system and one that I can rely on. I am learning it is okay to ask for help, from those who are willing to give it. My life has been improving and looking brighter.
Today I am enjoying my single hood and being very skeptical of men who do show interest and I know it is not fair, but when your heart gets shattered into a million of pieces, you are protecting your heart and soul. As a mom, I enjoying raising my three year old son Michael, he has been the reason why I never gave up on myself completely, so he is my little angle of light, my little blessing. Without him, I don't think I would be here today writing these blogs.
It is through my faith, even when I had very, very little, I prayed out loud to God one night and I just asked him to forgive me for my sins and to take away my pain and hurt. From that point on, little by little, the burden I was carrying became lighter and lighter and it is through my faith I have been able to look forward to another day. I read my bible and attend church when I can. I pray when I need some direction in my life now and then and the strength to get me through my days or weeks. I know many do not understand who God is or what God is about, but read the bible and see for yourself. Life does go on and you can be born again to live again. I am still healing and still recovering, but at my own pace. I will not rush or hurry myself, for patience is virtue. Keep in mind, you only live life once. Live as if it was your final days on earth and you know how valuable life is.
As you have read, I have been through a lot and emotionally and mentally, it was killing me. But I had to learn how to live again, how to be more assertive again and how to be more approachable. In the process, I learned to use humor as a way to lighten things up. I am still learning for this is my first real summer in a long time that I am actually enjoying myself to the fullest. Life is too short for petty little things. Life is too short to have arguments. My journey from here on out will be with God in my life. If God wants me to be married, I am willing to wait for the one he has chosen for me and I am okay with that. My wedding will be in a church for I was brought up and raised in church as a young girl. So who knows what the future holds, all I know is to take it a day at a time and that life does goes on.
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