Torn to Pieces

The title of this post speaks for itself to an extent.  However, I will reflect upon how uncomfortable I have been these last few weeks.

I have been brought up in a christian/catholic like home.  I know catholics have among one of the strictest guidelines in how to live your life according to The Word of the Bible.  However, it is not so bad once you understand how consequences play a huge role in how it can change people in more than one way.  In my case, I play more than a dozen roles in different people lives and honest to God, I hate it.

I was raise to be a housewife, primary caregiver, the head of household, the bookkeeper and more.  These are skills that are not taught to young girls anymore.  All these things taught me about having self-respect, built up my self-esteem, self-confident, and more.  Most of all it taught me how to be independent of others.  I value my independence more than anything for a few good reasons.  One of them being that many thought at the time I lost my natural hearing, I would not make it at all in life.  Hence, eventually I superceded those "low" expectations and went on the graduate with my Associate degree as not only an honor student but Magna cum Laude.  I'm still working on my four year degree, but for now it is on hold.  I'm about the first in my family to complete an associate degree level and to  go on to still have credits towards a four year degree.  Yes, I did not have a full support system, but when you grow up near NYC there's a saying, "Make a name for yourself."  No one can make a name for you or me, you have to make something out of you.  I have to make something out of me.  However, sometimes the plans we have for ourselves get detoured and God decides to put you on another path, whether you are ready or not, hence this quote, "Everything happens for a reason."

Now, I do not know why some people in my life are fighting to keep me in their lives.  I could probably say its because of the simple fact I show a lot of promises in life.  I could also say I have something that no one else may have like a particular quality that some may envy or want for themselves.  I could be cocky and say its because I keep things real and don't play any games. I could go on forever listing what it is about me that is worth fighting to keep me in their lives.  But by the end of the day, I'm home with my own child just living my life one day at a time.  For the few that can't seem to get it, I live my life as I see fit, no one gets to have a say or even make a mere suggestion unless I ask....keyword ASK.

With everything being the way it is now,  I am not trying to please anyone.  I am not looking for attention.  I am not looking for acceptance.  I accept me for me and my own situation for what it is.  If no one agrees to that, then it is not their's to agree with anyhow.  They are not in my shoe, they do not know the full story, the less they know the better off things will be.  I know my own boundaries lines and I have other people I can rely on and be comfortable enough to ask them.  What I do not appreciate is being compared to other single moms and their situations.  I'm not concern about their situations.  I got my own and I will run things as I see fit.  I am tired of being told what to do.  I am tired.

So the only thing I will say is if I decide to relocate to get away from my own current situation that I really did not expect to be in, I will relocate.  Some people just don't know where boundaries lies.  Even after I have put a wall up or specifically told them to not get involved, but they either want to knock the wall down or keep pushing themselve further and further into my life to the point where they don't want to stop.   Bottom line, if I up and leave, don't expect an explaination from me at all.  Remember, I know what was said - I left.  Remember, I know the gesture and attitude used against me.  Remember, to be careful of how you say things to me, because it can either make the relationship or break it and I will gladly move out of your life without looking back just so you can live the life you want.  If your life has improved so great, then good for you but leave me alone.  Don't pick on me for not being the same person, don't pick on me for changing, don't pick on me about not having things I should have.  Life changes constantly and as I get older, I will always remain myself, but don't try to change me or fight fo a part of me that I left behind.  So what if I am single, I love my freedom.  I don't have to deal with the emotions of the crazy relationships that many are having today.  I will hear about it but no, you will not hear from me about being in a relationship for a very long time.  If I just have one child for the rest of my life, so be it.  I will be just fine with being a mother and thanksful for the gift of having the ability to create another life and being able to raise my own child.

Life is not perfect and the fact of the matter is it is designed to be that way.  We will stumble and fall over our own two feet.  We will make mistakes and it is up to us to learn from those mistakes.  We will all have a past and a history with everyone but it is what it is (God I hate that saying, "It is what it is.")  but it is true.  As for moving forward, I cannot pick and choose who will be in my life, God is responsible for that.  I cannot easily dismiss people out of my life if they keep wanting to go back to how things were, when in fact I'm moving away from doing the things I used to do.  I cannot turn back the hands of time for a re-do.  I am only human and yes, I understand life far more than most of my own peers.  When I say I get it, take my word for it but don't expect an action to follow upon a demand or even an explaination.  I want to get back to doing what I used to do.  What made me feel good about myself.  There are things in my life I enjoy doing but haven't done in so long because my heart just keep getting kicked around.  I got to have my heart whole and still and healed to get back to my own essence as an artist.  I need peace in my life.

The bottom line is, I have a lot of respect for everyone even the ones who negatively misuse or mistreat me.  I have the better person mode.  So if one wants something from me and I have been helping them out for a while, I'm sorry but eventually I'm not going to be around for much longer.  I will be elsewhere.  I love being able to keep my own business to myself and being able to have the freedom to do as I please.  I understand the value of having people there to help me, but I was raised to fend for myself.  Unless I find myself in a tight spot and I see I have to call in for "back-up" then I will ask for help.  But if anyone had made a promise to help me but never followed through with it, don't expect me to call or email or text them.  With a track history of making up excuses about bills being paid and so forth, well hey don't be mad if I did not contact you because its something I do not want to hear.  It either you can or cannot be of help when I decide to call your number.  When my phone beeps with a text message or someone IMs me, its me usually offering a listening ear or offering a "free" counseling session and I expect nothing in return as it should be.  God will reward me for whatever good deed I do.  I do not have any expectation of others to repay me back for me helping them.  In the bible, it speaks of many expectations of human existence, but I love the fact that I am still respected as a person and treated as a human being even after helping those out.  It is the respect I get back, it is the appreciation that they show towards me, it is just a simple smile to say, "Thank You."  No money involved, just a simple gesture and that is all I need.

"Money is the root to all evil," my grandmother used to say.  Till this very day, money has cost many to cut down on their lifestyle to a lifestyle they are not used to.  "Live below your means," my grandmother used to say, because she knew and understood the value of saving and developing an emergency fund.  "Keep your nose out of other people's businesses," she used to also say.  Unless people made their business known to others and yourself included, then it would still not be your business.  In life, we thrive on success more than ever today, but we forget the simple things in life very easily.  We thrive on money to determine the lifestyle status, while others thrive on money just to get by.  Living comfortable is mainly about having the basic needs fullfilled, housing, food, and water.  It's not about having the nicest furniture or the best products, its about getting comfortable with less.  Being thankful for what you do have, those three basic things.  As for everything else, its just a fancy add-on, an extra expense to take on.  Living should not be so difficult.  "Bills, Bills, Bills," think about it,  we all got them, come the end of the day someone finds themselves homeless or worst. 

However, no one should have to be living off another person.  I understand the job market is tough, (I secretly wish it was back in the 90's where people hired and trained just to stay off of government assistance and the number of people on those services were low) but now, we find ourselves in situations where guidlines for hiring has become more restricted to particular candidates and leaving out people who can do the job better only if given the chance to prove themselves worthy of company time and money.  The guidlines for government assistance has widen a bit, which led into taking in more and more families who have emptied their savings account due to being laid off or fired.  Which is why the Afforable Care Act has its ups and downs.  Jobs are out there but employers have restricted their schedules and guidelines down to specific candidates for the positions they are hiring for.  So if you have no experience, you are screwed.  If you find a company that will hire and train you, that is awesome, it is the way it should be done.  As for the government, I just shake my head at all of them, I don't care which party they support or are from, you either lessen up the restrictions on hiring processes or risk having more and more Americans becoming homeless and reliable on government assistance and face a record number high of homeless families.  Why did Rooselvelt (I think, correct me if I am wrong) create the War on Poverty Act?  It was to get families back into the American Dream, to guide them to be self-suffient.  Obviously, something went wrong. Greedy policticans is what happened.  Greedy corporations is what happened.  Unions asking for more and more money and benfits is what happened.  When you ask for more of something, becareful of how much more you ask for.  Corporations can outsource your position to save the company money and avoid unions at all cost.  It's written in history books. In all my business classes, I understood the purpose for unions but as time as passed, I started to dislike how demanding unions have become and passing the higher cost onto people in the community to pay for the differences in cost so that service in the local communities can continue on while more people struggle even more to cover the hike.

Everything has a cause and an effect.  Don't think for one second a company can afford to hire more people or give more benifits.  Look at their ledger and you will understand how long the expenses are and it will probably be two to three books long.  The more resources a company has, the more expenses they take on.  So if they decide to cut losses, the first thing they will do is cut the employees.  The second thing is to cut an expense or two down to save more money to keep the business running on schedule.  Some companies do it the other way around to avoid a lashback from the community they are in.  Learn to understand that this world is interdependent on everything.  All it takes is one tiny little change can affect the rest of the world forcing others to change how they do business with each other and this is happening every single day.  One bad move...is bound to all go downhill from there.

So in life, there are bigger things at play here and we cannot control it.  God, on the other hand can control what he wants.  Don't curse God for anything, if you never been through anything emotionally wrecking or physically or mentally, he will want to test to see how human you are and how big is your heart and where your loyalties lies.  It may seem like he is mean, but in all realties, he has all of us exactly where we should be.  Take life a day at a time and learn as much as you can from it.  God's love is unconditional and he shows us mercy in our time of need.  Some of us may not see it because of anger and resentments, but for those of us who know how to remain faithful and thankful we can see it and experience it.

For me, I know what I need to do.  I just don't like be questioned.  If I decide to do something everyone hates, trust me that me showing I don't play favorites or take sides.  Put me in that position...yeah, you don't want to cross that line with me. If I know what my situation is, don't make yourself "helpful" to me, leave me be.  I'm a very, very creative person and I understand just how creative I can get.  Corner me, I will become a mouse and make a hole and dig my way out.  Me run? No, I'll run when no one wants to listen to what I have to say.  I'll run when a control freak can't take a NO for an answer.  I'll stop running when the whole world stops trying to be my puppet master.  Until then, I will live my life as I see fit.  If and when I decide the flip the card, trust me, I'm never without a back-up plan nor will I let anyone know of it.  I love those who are in my life and those who will always have a place in my heart.  But I will not tolerate mistreatment to any degree or be compared because I know I am unique because I am who I am.