Being HOH and Dating

So, a few days ago the topic of dating came up among my close circles.  Now, many of my ladies are either married, getting married, have a long time boyfriend or about to be engaged or engaged.  Cool, right? I think its great that they are able to have someone who accepts them for who they are and continue to stick by them even when things aren't going well.

Well in my experience dating SUCKS!  Being hard of hearing and dealing with progressive hearing loss, is a task in itself.  Why I say that?  Well, knowing you are going deaf and not knowing "WHEN" exactly, is kinda like preparing for something you don't know if it is going to happen or not.  It's like one day you could be hearing just fine with your hearing aids and then the next day BAM! you can't hear anymore.  It's like expecting the unknown but in the most unexpected way.  You just never know, just like you never know if you will see a friend again or a family member again because life is short.

Now, from my eyes and as I do reflect back on my early years, I just felt like an object, not a person.  At first guys would express their interest and of course me, I usually start off by picking on the guy or just being flattered by what they had to say.  I really wasn't into guys in high school or the first semester of college.  All I saw was how most guys just wanted one thing and it was just the sex and nothing else.  So I pretty much stayed to myself and shied away from the guys.  However, I knew once guys learned of my hearing loss and just how bad it was getting, they would definitely start looking elsewhere and continue to lead me on as if they truly did care for me when in a way they just felt sorry.  At first, did I know this? No, I just brushed it to the side and told myself, "I've been this hard of hearing gal for a good chunk of my life and I'm not going to let nor allow my hearing loss to dictate my dating life."  Now, I consider myself pretty self-confident, I don't lean on anyone to be my ears or anything of the sort; I also consider myself to be very self-sufficient.  Now, you would think one would just accept me for who I am, not the case.  I rarely complaint about my hearing loss, I was happy to answer any kinds of questions regarding my hearing loss and the hardships I had to face in the "hearing" world.  Yet, after a few guys, I started getting the sense that the guys had a serious issue with the fact I couldn't hearing certain things or I would completely miss a joke or couldn't hear a whisper or even whisper a secret or inside joke.  Anything that normal hearing people took advantage of, they were kinda thrown off by how much I have missed out.

I did not ask to go deaf or to not be able to hear well.  So, I lacked in hearing some to a lot of things, I was well aware of this.  However, when I was out with my ladies and having a good time, I really enjoyed myself because they all understood how stressful going out can get for me, especially in loud environments and they had no problem with including me in on jokes and conversations.  With them I learned patience was vital in my social life and personal.  Without patience, I do not think I would have the amazing friends I do have now.

Now, I know many have referred to me as the "hottie", "sexy" and "beautiful".  However, even with those compliments, I wanted someone to see pass all that and really get to know me.  Otherwise, those compliments just becomes meaningless.  After everything I have gone through, I could care less about compliments.  For me its just too much and I don't think I can handle the emotions or the issues that come up anymore.  Add in the fact that I am a single mom, uh yeah, I won't complicate my own life like that.  Not even for my son.  I find my life to be more peaceful and drama free.  And I don't think I would give up that up for anything.

I personally know people who are hard of hearing, who are CI users and/or hearing aid users who are with someone who is hearing and I think that is a wonderful thing!  As for me, I just don't have anything left in me to give or to even share because no matter what, there is always a group of people willing to stick their noses in my personal life and make things difficult.  That is when I truly learn who my friends are and who aren't.  I still got people who don't want to see me happy with someone I might be happy with, yet I tell them it's none of their business and that it is my life not theirs.  Of course they would play the, "I'm just looking out for ya," card and turns out, it was jealousy and greed.  Don't you hate that?

Even though I'm just a few months shy of turning 30, dealing with stress can knock me off my feet medically.  So now, I just keep my schedule comfortable and just stick to people who are not going to stress me even more on things I'm already stressed out from dealing with it.  I'm not gonna argue or fight or anything of that because I did enough of that.  I just feel comfortable enough to be like, if you don't like it, there's the door because I honestly don't want to hear it (again).  I say again because I do think of every possible statement that could get said before someone says it to me.  So this way I can annoyingly say, "I know, I know" and be honest about ACTUALLY knowing.

Between me and my close circles, I just tell them, everyone is different, including myself.  I may not have the best experience in dating as most of my relationships never really made it to the six month mark.  I find I make a better friend than a girlfriend.  If I had to choose,  I would rather be a friend, a simple one. I just had a rough time after my last one and that landed me in a place where I had to have a visiting counselor come by my place to make sure I was taking my medicine properly, on top of taking care of bills and keeping my appointments and caring for my newborn son at the time.  Never, ever, ever again.  That was really my final straw with dealing with any male.  I didn't care for the sex or the loving anymore, I grew numbed to it.  Is it fair to the next potential guy?  No, it isn't.  I just don't feel like sharing myself or my feelings.  I love my son to pieces and my focus will be on him and to make sure he stays on track with his schooling and the life choices he will start to make when he becomes a teen in like eight to nine years. 

Not everyone is cut out for relationships.  Some of us have given others a chance and some of us have just found it to be a bit too much.  As for me, I am content with being alone.  I have been through a lot and it took A LOT out of me.  Everything I had to go though up until after I had my son, was it for me.  Emotionally and mentally, I was just done.  Now, I can smile and say I'm good.  My life is not perfect, yet when I am asked why I don't have a ring on my finger, I joke, "I don't think you can handle me or anyone else for that matter."  But when someone gets serious about that, I just tell them, when you walk in my shoes you may understand better.   So, I know myself better and I know my limits.  If anyone was to dare tell me how to be otherwise, I would pretty much walk away because that's just about how fed up I am.

So, when I listen to my ladies talk about their relationships, I will admit, thanks God I'm not in one.  It just sounds like a lot of work to me and even when I was willing to give it one last shot and IT WAS MY LAST SHOT and that was it for me.  I told God if the last one did not go as well, I would pretty much give my heart to him and just be celibate and stay to myself, which is what I have been doing.  I've experienced a little taste of heaven in the very short, short terms of most relationships, but when things got rough, I always try to keep things positive no matter how bad things may seem, but unfortunately it was mistaken for fantasy and ignoring the reality.  I dealt with reality head on with a positive attitude even when I was aware of the negativity I would face, unfortunately, they didn't see it that way, oh well.  I could see all the bad things that could happen, but would I allow those bad things to really happen to me or a love one, no I wouldn't.  I would exercise all my opinions even if it meant to swallow my pride and happiness.  I know sacrifice very well and do it daily, but I do not complain or even make a big deal out of it.  Its a part of life, it humbles one and teaches one how much valuable life is.  One learns, its not about the materialistic ideals or acquirement, its about the small things that make you smile, the small things that money can't buy.  Its about learning to accept less and making the best out of it.

I never really saw myself as a bride to be honest.  I could see myself trying on a dress or two just for the fun of it but I don't ever see myself really walking down the aisle.  Once upon a time, I did, but then my reality was my reality. I don't see myself as if I'm robbing myself from anything.  I'm just tired of games and lies.  I'm tired of trusting and betrayal.  I'm tired of having to always be on guard.  I'm just honest to God plain ol' tired to even be interested.  I congrats my ladies on their relationship milestones, they have more guts than me to keep on trying but I love them all to pieces because they know just how worn out I am and they understand.

I have my life and my goal is to just keep my life low-key and low stress maintenance...so pretty much just live a plain and simple life where chaos is not always nearby or too close to me.  Not as if I don't experience the small chaos as is, but life is a trip and you never know what will pop out at you to throw you off or catch you off guard.  Maybe when my son is grown and on his own, I'll probably think about giving dating another spin, when the guys have matured enough by then.  Who knows?   And yes, some guys may mean well but can come off as jerks.  Trust me, I already had a few tell me that they were.  They realized all the suddenly, that dating for me is a whole other new ballgame and is a task in itself for me.  It's one thing to look attractive but its another when one learns of a "limitation" in hearing ability...not all guys will be that acceptance of it.  So it really does take time and a special person to really accept that aspect and be genuine in their approach.  I will admit I am picky in the qualities, morals and values.  If its not in line with what I was brought up with, then I know it will not go along with the rest of my background and I won't be around for long.  And yes, a few have apologize.  But I've moved on and now busy with my own things.

I am aware not all guys are the same. But when your heart has been through too much in such a short time, you just want some space for yourself and some breathing space to recollect and rebuild.  For me, I take my sweet, sweet, sweet time and I enjoy taking my time.  That's been in my nature since I was a kid.  I do believe things will happen in their own time and when they do, the time will be right.  I don't live my life as if it is passing me by, I live it for the moments I share with those I truly care about.  If my life was to end, it will be the moments I cherished the most, not the things I never got to do but the moments.  I've lost a lot in my young life, been through a lot, so I know first hand just how short life can be.  So when someone, like myself says, "Live for today," it means to enjoy the present, let go of the past and leave the worries of tomorrow for tomorrow.  Live your life for not only yourself, but give your family and friend a little piece of memory from that day.  Let them know, even if its for a few seconds, that you are thinking about them or just to say hello or to be a helping hand in some way.  Leave a positive imprint on their hearts, a positive memory to celebrate you for.  We tend to forget and always say "We don't have time" or "I don't have time" yet the reality is we really don't know how much time we do have.  We forget to sacrifice, we forget to live humbly.  When we forget to sacrifice, we forget a lot more after that, we somehow forget how to enjoy life more and to appreciate the small things.

That was my personal account on my own experience and how I see things through my own eyes.  I am aware it can be taken in many different ways, but my advice is if you are a single gal and ready, just be yourself and be confident enough to be proud of who you are.  Don't ever put yourself down because a guy can't accept you, move on and tread lightly.  If you need more time, take that time, don't let anyone push you into something you feel unprepared for.  Most importantly, be good to yourself and love yourself first, don't ever sacrifice that for anything or anyone.  Peace.