Finding a Sense of Purpose
As I am organizing my bedroom, getting all of my son's school's information compiled into a binder and cleaning, I have been in deep thought about my own sense of purpose in my life.
One of the biggest motivator that drove me to continue my higher education was my own mother. So when I lost her to terminal cancer, the purpose of continuing my degree just became meaningless. I have attempted five times for my bachelors with three to four different schools. It was a mix between online and bricks and mortar schools. Still til this day, while I got the brains to do the work and do it well, the drive just ain't there. Some have suggested to do it for my son, but then I thought, "Well, I'm going to be helping him get through his schooling and where will I find the time to do my own schoolwork?" Sure, I could go the babysitter route but wait, I tried that and it did not go over so well. I ended up being walked over, constantly reminded I'm a single mom and offended because they assumed because of my slight speech impediment he would not do well. So uh no, never again. Since my parents are gone plus my grandma, I'm really on my own and have been for over a decade.
Now, I have explored day-cares and other resources I could use, however there's always going to be a catch somewhere. Now that my son is heading to Kindergarten in a week and a half, I am now in a position to figure out a lot of things for myself as my son will be attending full-day Kindergarten now. However, tonight the question of "What's my purpose?" is popping into my mind and that is something I must explore.
There are plenty of motivators for me to go back to school, however I need a purpose, a drive that can really get me to that finish line but I have to seek it out from within. I refuse to attach a purpose to a human being because once they are gone, you lose their wisdom and voice of reasons that helped you see things in a different light. I need a purpose that is in a spiritual form or something close to it. I know where I want to be in life, but I am taking an approach that is very much less traveled. I cannot deal with 'fast, fast, fast' anymore. I've now reached a turning point in my life where I know just how short life is, where I know I have to appreciate the people and the things I have in my life, where I know and acknowledge that life is really a struggle at times, where I know not everything is bounded to last.
So I now ask myself, "What is it that I need to do? What is it that I really want to do at this point and time in my life? How do I do it and Where do I start?" Of course after each answer, I would naturally ask more questions. So I have a little over 100 college credits but between transfers of schools, I lost some of those credits and had to retake a lot of classes over again - which honestly bored me fast. As for work, I haven't worked since 2010. It sucks too in all honesty. In early 2011, I fell ill a few times and I was attending Buffalo State College (I love that school) at part-time, but because of constant digestive issues, reoccurring sinus infections and taking care of a toddler my body couldn't do it. Waiting for the bus in the cold with my son and dropping him off first to the early child care center and then hopping on to another bus to get to my first class which was usually scheduled for 9 or 10am, so I wouldn't lose sleep if I had to deal with my son overnight. Another downside is not having a car. I had renewed my Learner's Permit three times over the years and taken the 5-hour course the same amount of times, yet I couldn't afford the lessons nor the Road Test. Frustrating, I know. So this year since my Permit expired last year I just decided to get a New York State ID because it made no sense to me to keep renewing my permit and not being able to afford to get the license. Granted, yes I do know how to operate a car and I have driven my friends' cars on and off in the last decade. I was good with parallel parking and the only thing I might have struggled with were my turnings. I noticed in each vehicle I was in, the older cars require the constant hard turns and the newer models seems to require less effort to turn. So yes, I've experienced the difference between new and older models. In case of emergency, I could most likely drive the car to safety and call 911. In this economy, it just seems like you either have the money to do it or you just don't.
Now, my grandmother did have money put to the side and at the time I did not know exactly how much but she did tell me that once I turned 16, if I did well in school, she would allow me to go for my permit and pay for my lessons and even with a possibility of giving me the money for a used car in good working condition. Oh that would have made my life soooo much easier! Unfortunately, she fell into sever paranoia schizophrenia and when my mother took over her finances, she blew right through that money like it was nothing and she did not have a clue how to invest wisely. When I saw the amount, lets just say it was enough to pay for two semesters at an in-state school. So yep, enough to cover a used car plus all the other expenses. SMH, I know.
So now I'm entirely on my own financially since 18 years of age, it has not been an easy road living off of SSI and working part-time jobs here and there and paying rent plus student loans...ugh....but I was responsible enough to fill out paperwork asking for deferments and so forth. Eventually, I have to pay off my loans and right now I'm just paying one of them off. I had no help with paying for school, everything has been entirely in my name. I did have to have co-signors and I feel bad that I am in no position still to not pay them yet. So, while I do face the student loan debt myself, I also had to deal with losing my residual hearing in the Spring of 2011 and learning that my hearings aid weren't cutting it. I learned the hard way about how sever my hearing gotten while going on interviews for jobs. I could not understand what was being said or the questions themselves. So, in a way I got cheated out of potential jobs I could have had. While I was aware I was qualified for a Cochlear Implant since 2006, I figured I just got digital hearing aids in the fall of 2009 and they were working so well for me, but I still struggled in noisy environments and I felt like I was hearing "comfortably." When my son started to talk more, it was becoming a shouting match and I knew something was off with my own hearing and a hearing test revealed I dropped into the profound deaf range and my hearing aids dropped into the sever to profound hearing loss range. I was already on volume 3 and 4 is the loudest I could go and at times I was going to 4.
Now, yes I did qualify for a few scholarships early in my college career and I graduate with my associates. I also qualified for grants but because I used up the amount of time allowed to receive grants, it goes entirely loans to finish up my Bachelors. A pain, I know. Now, I had to think about this very carefully. In terms of finishing, I would need to know if I will be able to secure a job shortly after graduation before I invest anymore debt. Now, because I am still in the mist of rehabbing my right CI ear, I am kinda waiting until I know for sure I am hearing speech with little effort and more confidence. Now, why I say that because when I'm around my son, my son loves to talk and then I'm usually talking to people about issues regarding certain topics or helping a group or an organization out or just planning and I get tired fast. And when I'm tired, speech becomes garble. Plus, I get cranky and snappy. So really, I got to find a balance that will work for me.
Stress has been one of the main reasons for triggering unnecessary health issues with me. So I try to spread things out a bit so I can give myself time and room to breathe. Hence, why I can't do the 'fast, fast, fast' or on-the-go back to back too much. I'm turning 30 in October and because I have passed out, ran a fever for a few days and even landed in the ER quite a few times, it's been tricky. So really I have to figure out what would realistically work and keep me out of my doctor's office and the ER.
So in the coming weeks I will be re-evaluating my resume and restructuring how it looks and what it says. I will be doing the same with my LinkedIn profile as well. I have already started to make some changes to it but still needs more work. I have mainly worked for non-profit and educational settings. To be honest I love non-profits because it cares about the community's needs and I did find in my experience they were more realistic, understanding and flexible. I did avoid using phones since I have always struggled with phones and I do my best to be polite and take a very short message as necessary. But finding my way around the office and doing other things came easy to me.
I got a lot to really think about. Since unlike some of my peers, they seem to have family to help them out when needed or someone there to help them. For me, it takes planning and figuring out what my choices are. I can use the state's vocational services but due to budget cuts I can only use them once. That means, I can use them to help me find a job and once in a job, they cannot help me with school if I should decide to go back later. The second choice is to have them help me finish school and I'll be on my own to get a job without their assistance. So yes, I got to weight everything out. How long will this take me? It may take me a few months, but I'm always one to always be working on something.
I will pick and choose people who I feel will work well with me during this process. I know I can't do it all by myself, but there are things I need to think about to be more confident in taking the next step. This world is not a pretty world to deal with especially when you know you have to educate people on your disability from time to time and in a way forcing you to stay up to date on the issues surrounding hearing loss, technology and more. Do I get a headache from all of this? Yes and I grind my teeth so much that I have been using a mouth guard since my son was born. I'll figure something out, all I know I got to have that flexibility.
Til next time.
One of the biggest motivator that drove me to continue my higher education was my own mother. So when I lost her to terminal cancer, the purpose of continuing my degree just became meaningless. I have attempted five times for my bachelors with three to four different schools. It was a mix between online and bricks and mortar schools. Still til this day, while I got the brains to do the work and do it well, the drive just ain't there. Some have suggested to do it for my son, but then I thought, "Well, I'm going to be helping him get through his schooling and where will I find the time to do my own schoolwork?" Sure, I could go the babysitter route but wait, I tried that and it did not go over so well. I ended up being walked over, constantly reminded I'm a single mom and offended because they assumed because of my slight speech impediment he would not do well. So uh no, never again. Since my parents are gone plus my grandma, I'm really on my own and have been for over a decade.
Now, I have explored day-cares and other resources I could use, however there's always going to be a catch somewhere. Now that my son is heading to Kindergarten in a week and a half, I am now in a position to figure out a lot of things for myself as my son will be attending full-day Kindergarten now. However, tonight the question of "What's my purpose?" is popping into my mind and that is something I must explore.
So I now ask myself, "What is it that I need to do? What is it that I really want to do at this point and time in my life? How do I do it and Where do I start?" Of course after each answer, I would naturally ask more questions. So I have a little over 100 college credits but between transfers of schools, I lost some of those credits and had to retake a lot of classes over again - which honestly bored me fast. As for work, I haven't worked since 2010. It sucks too in all honesty. In early 2011, I fell ill a few times and I was attending Buffalo State College (I love that school) at part-time, but because of constant digestive issues, reoccurring sinus infections and taking care of a toddler my body couldn't do it. Waiting for the bus in the cold with my son and dropping him off first to the early child care center and then hopping on to another bus to get to my first class which was usually scheduled for 9 or 10am, so I wouldn't lose sleep if I had to deal with my son overnight. Another downside is not having a car. I had renewed my Learner's Permit three times over the years and taken the 5-hour course the same amount of times, yet I couldn't afford the lessons nor the Road Test. Frustrating, I know. So this year since my Permit expired last year I just decided to get a New York State ID because it made no sense to me to keep renewing my permit and not being able to afford to get the license. Granted, yes I do know how to operate a car and I have driven my friends' cars on and off in the last decade. I was good with parallel parking and the only thing I might have struggled with were my turnings. I noticed in each vehicle I was in, the older cars require the constant hard turns and the newer models seems to require less effort to turn. So yes, I've experienced the difference between new and older models. In case of emergency, I could most likely drive the car to safety and call 911. In this economy, it just seems like you either have the money to do it or you just don't.
Now, my grandmother did have money put to the side and at the time I did not know exactly how much but she did tell me that once I turned 16, if I did well in school, she would allow me to go for my permit and pay for my lessons and even with a possibility of giving me the money for a used car in good working condition. Oh that would have made my life soooo much easier! Unfortunately, she fell into sever paranoia schizophrenia and when my mother took over her finances, she blew right through that money like it was nothing and she did not have a clue how to invest wisely. When I saw the amount, lets just say it was enough to pay for two semesters at an in-state school. So yep, enough to cover a used car plus all the other expenses. SMH, I know.
So now I'm entirely on my own financially since 18 years of age, it has not been an easy road living off of SSI and working part-time jobs here and there and paying rent plus student loans...ugh....but I was responsible enough to fill out paperwork asking for deferments and so forth. Eventually, I have to pay off my loans and right now I'm just paying one of them off. I had no help with paying for school, everything has been entirely in my name. I did have to have co-signors and I feel bad that I am in no position still to not pay them yet. So, while I do face the student loan debt myself, I also had to deal with losing my residual hearing in the Spring of 2011 and learning that my hearings aid weren't cutting it. I learned the hard way about how sever my hearing gotten while going on interviews for jobs. I could not understand what was being said or the questions themselves. So, in a way I got cheated out of potential jobs I could have had. While I was aware I was qualified for a Cochlear Implant since 2006, I figured I just got digital hearing aids in the fall of 2009 and they were working so well for me, but I still struggled in noisy environments and I felt like I was hearing "comfortably." When my son started to talk more, it was becoming a shouting match and I knew something was off with my own hearing and a hearing test revealed I dropped into the profound deaf range and my hearing aids dropped into the sever to profound hearing loss range. I was already on volume 3 and 4 is the loudest I could go and at times I was going to 4.
Now, yes I did qualify for a few scholarships early in my college career and I graduate with my associates. I also qualified for grants but because I used up the amount of time allowed to receive grants, it goes entirely loans to finish up my Bachelors. A pain, I know. Now, I had to think about this very carefully. In terms of finishing, I would need to know if I will be able to secure a job shortly after graduation before I invest anymore debt. Now, because I am still in the mist of rehabbing my right CI ear, I am kinda waiting until I know for sure I am hearing speech with little effort and more confidence. Now, why I say that because when I'm around my son, my son loves to talk and then I'm usually talking to people about issues regarding certain topics or helping a group or an organization out or just planning and I get tired fast. And when I'm tired, speech becomes garble. Plus, I get cranky and snappy. So really, I got to find a balance that will work for me.
Stress has been one of the main reasons for triggering unnecessary health issues with me. So I try to spread things out a bit so I can give myself time and room to breathe. Hence, why I can't do the 'fast, fast, fast' or on-the-go back to back too much. I'm turning 30 in October and because I have passed out, ran a fever for a few days and even landed in the ER quite a few times, it's been tricky. So really I have to figure out what would realistically work and keep me out of my doctor's office and the ER.
So in the coming weeks I will be re-evaluating my resume and restructuring how it looks and what it says. I will be doing the same with my LinkedIn profile as well. I have already started to make some changes to it but still needs more work. I have mainly worked for non-profit and educational settings. To be honest I love non-profits because it cares about the community's needs and I did find in my experience they were more realistic, understanding and flexible. I did avoid using phones since I have always struggled with phones and I do my best to be polite and take a very short message as necessary. But finding my way around the office and doing other things came easy to me.
I got a lot to really think about. Since unlike some of my peers, they seem to have family to help them out when needed or someone there to help them. For me, it takes planning and figuring out what my choices are. I can use the state's vocational services but due to budget cuts I can only use them once. That means, I can use them to help me find a job and once in a job, they cannot help me with school if I should decide to go back later. The second choice is to have them help me finish school and I'll be on my own to get a job without their assistance. So yes, I got to weight everything out. How long will this take me? It may take me a few months, but I'm always one to always be working on something.I will pick and choose people who I feel will work well with me during this process. I know I can't do it all by myself, but there are things I need to think about to be more confident in taking the next step. This world is not a pretty world to deal with especially when you know you have to educate people on your disability from time to time and in a way forcing you to stay up to date on the issues surrounding hearing loss, technology and more. Do I get a headache from all of this? Yes and I grind my teeth so much that I have been using a mouth guard since my son was born. I'll figure something out, all I know I got to have that flexibility.
Til next time.
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