Bullying with a Hearing Loss - My Experience
Being that I was the only child with a hearing loss in an all hearing
school district in the late 80's (to my knowledge), I cannot tell you
it was all sunshine and smiles.
I overcame a lot of hurdles growing up in the "hearing world" and I will tell you it wasn't a very easy course. As I have previously wrote in my article and my blogs, I did not have the best memories of elementary school. It was hard to fit in. I got picked on for my speech, made fun of because I couldn't hear certain things, I have had my spelling tests ripped from my hands and waved around in front of the whole class and laughed at. I honestly felt like the outcast, the misfit. Of course my spelling tests were horrible.
At times, I ate lunch alone for a big chunk of the time throughout my elementary to high school years. Only a few times I was able to sit with a group of my classmates, but I could never connect with them or understand what was going on so it was just easier to sit with one other person I knew or two. I may have actively participate in Cross-Country, Track and Field, the Band and the Orchestra, but even during those activities, I couldn't make any connections. I got easily loss in the conversations around me, so I was usually always quiet. I didn't really feel like I mattered at times and it was just a lonesome feeling. How I coped? I didn't cope that well. As a matter of fact, I started popping pills and it went undetected for years. I was numb and felt like a zombie at times. That was my secret.
I would end up sleeping for hours long. No one didn't really seem to think of anything else. When I started running, I stopped. Running to me was my life-saver but not long enough. Dealing with stress from home and school, was not my best strength. I often got weary and tired from the arguments and bickering. Half the time, it was just pointless. I hated the kids at school and I tried very hard to fit in, to let others know I was just like them. But because they took advantage of my ability to not hear a softly spoken word or whisper, I didn't hear what was so funny to them about me. Maybe it was a good thing I didn't. Of course, I was put down by adults who did not understand hearing loss at that time. I have been told I wouldn't amount up to anything, I have been told I would end up an old woman's maid, I have been told a lot of cold statements that I kept to myself for years. To be honest, it ate me up on the inside. On the outside, I just went with the flow acting like nothing bothered me.
The fact that I was put down in a lot of different ways, yeah by the end of the day on some days I would end up in tears. I wanted the pain the be gone and I felt like I couldn't tell anyone or speak to anyone I was comfortable with. I would talk to my grandma, but than she had my mom to deal with, so I didn't really open up to her about stuff that bothered me. It was hard. I took steps to do better to work harder and it was very draining. So, naturally being overly tired would be an understatement. I felt like the world was crunching me, suffocating me.
To breathe free, it took a small group of people to just simply take interest in me. They are the ones who noticed my hard work, my determination, my persistence, and my patience. They gave me that open hole to breathe life again. They showed me, there were and are still decent people in this world who are not afraid to reach out and help a young student or child out. If anything, they were my reason to keep working hard and to keep doing what I was doing. Sometimes, when there is a lack of support, it can be damaging. With support, the damage can be minimized dramatically.
Bullying back in the day was called, "Making fun of". So, kids and parents naturally thought it was harmless. But as time has progressed over the years, Bullying has been the source of students taking their own lives because of it. I almost did more than once, so I can see that as a reality. It took a lot of will to just make it through til the next day. To just hang on for just one more day. To just find ONE good reason to live another day. To just be for just one more day. Imagine living life as "One more day". There's really no living in that at all. It's like being numb and totally shut off from the world around you. Dark isn't it?
Today, yes I came a very, very, very long way. Took a while to kick the relapse into pill popping to the curb for good. I used to cut for a brief time when I was young and then fix myself up to make it look like it was an "accidental" cut. I was smart enough to cover my tracks, so no one knew. Yes, I went through counseling and psychiatric help and started over. It took me a good chunk of my 20s just to deal with it all. Now, I am happy, free from the hurt and the pains I dealt with over the years and no, I am not proud of the things I did to myself. Sometimes, just having someone, anyone for that matter to bring you through something or to support you where you need it the most, can make all the difference in the world. I dealt with depression, drinking heavily, experimenting with drugs and by the end of the day, just numb. The next day the problems are still there. So when I say I get it, seriously I get it. I had my own personal battles but never really spoke so much on them. I had a lot to be angry at and for. But why stay angry? Why? There is no living in that either.
I had to forgive myself and I had to forgive those around me. So before you say something, think about this, "No one knows the battles one is facing in their life. So be careful with your words and act as if you are considerate of their feelings." Showing humility is probably very rare for people trying to fight their own battles. Trust me, it is not easy to admit you have a problem and it is also not easy to admit you need help, hence why I tend to shy away a lot from asking for help for being ashamed in a way. (I know I shouldn't be, but that's how I've always felt). So at least I can say I've been to hell and back.
I know life is not always going to go as planned. Sometimes you just gotta make the most out of it. I wished there were two of me because I'm always a good friend to those I know but sometimes I can turn into my worst enemy. But with the close circle of friends I have today, I am very graceful for them, you guys really have NO IDEA! Sure its easy to judge a person than to understand them, so why not take the time to understand someone. I know I can't pretend to be something I am not. Therefore, perfect, far beyond it. But I will always strive to do the best to my ability and to be my best. My journey has not been an easy one but I'm glad to be here today.
There was a lot going on when I was growing up, so I've only mentioned just a few of the things I've dealt with. So how I relate to those going through rough patches, is how I remember what it felt like and it's no fun when people just start to give up on you. But I will say this, those who are willing to help themselves can be helped and those who are not willing to help themselves, cannot be helped. Basically, if one isn't willing to put in the effort to help themselves, they ain't going to make any use of your help. Harsh isn't it? That's reality. I'm an open-minded person and I hate when I hear how people talk about others in a negative light without first understanding what's bothering them or going on with them. Some things are hard to swallow and some are just unbearable burdens.
Bullying can affect every aspect of life to an extent. So please don't engage in doing it or encouraging it. Someone could already be at their wit ends and ready to take that plunge off the cliff. It is emotionally and mentally scarring and it can take a very bad turn.
I overcame a lot of hurdles growing up in the "hearing world" and I will tell you it wasn't a very easy course. As I have previously wrote in my article and my blogs, I did not have the best memories of elementary school. It was hard to fit in. I got picked on for my speech, made fun of because I couldn't hear certain things, I have had my spelling tests ripped from my hands and waved around in front of the whole class and laughed at. I honestly felt like the outcast, the misfit. Of course my spelling tests were horrible.
At times, I ate lunch alone for a big chunk of the time throughout my elementary to high school years. Only a few times I was able to sit with a group of my classmates, but I could never connect with them or understand what was going on so it was just easier to sit with one other person I knew or two. I may have actively participate in Cross-Country, Track and Field, the Band and the Orchestra, but even during those activities, I couldn't make any connections. I got easily loss in the conversations around me, so I was usually always quiet. I didn't really feel like I mattered at times and it was just a lonesome feeling. How I coped? I didn't cope that well. As a matter of fact, I started popping pills and it went undetected for years. I was numb and felt like a zombie at times. That was my secret.
I would end up sleeping for hours long. No one didn't really seem to think of anything else. When I started running, I stopped. Running to me was my life-saver but not long enough. Dealing with stress from home and school, was not my best strength. I often got weary and tired from the arguments and bickering. Half the time, it was just pointless. I hated the kids at school and I tried very hard to fit in, to let others know I was just like them. But because they took advantage of my ability to not hear a softly spoken word or whisper, I didn't hear what was so funny to them about me. Maybe it was a good thing I didn't. Of course, I was put down by adults who did not understand hearing loss at that time. I have been told I wouldn't amount up to anything, I have been told I would end up an old woman's maid, I have been told a lot of cold statements that I kept to myself for years. To be honest, it ate me up on the inside. On the outside, I just went with the flow acting like nothing bothered me.
The fact that I was put down in a lot of different ways, yeah by the end of the day on some days I would end up in tears. I wanted the pain the be gone and I felt like I couldn't tell anyone or speak to anyone I was comfortable with. I would talk to my grandma, but than she had my mom to deal with, so I didn't really open up to her about stuff that bothered me. It was hard. I took steps to do better to work harder and it was very draining. So, naturally being overly tired would be an understatement. I felt like the world was crunching me, suffocating me.
To breathe free, it took a small group of people to just simply take interest in me. They are the ones who noticed my hard work, my determination, my persistence, and my patience. They gave me that open hole to breathe life again. They showed me, there were and are still decent people in this world who are not afraid to reach out and help a young student or child out. If anything, they were my reason to keep working hard and to keep doing what I was doing. Sometimes, when there is a lack of support, it can be damaging. With support, the damage can be minimized dramatically.
Bullying back in the day was called, "Making fun of". So, kids and parents naturally thought it was harmless. But as time has progressed over the years, Bullying has been the source of students taking their own lives because of it. I almost did more than once, so I can see that as a reality. It took a lot of will to just make it through til the next day. To just hang on for just one more day. To just find ONE good reason to live another day. To just be for just one more day. Imagine living life as "One more day". There's really no living in that at all. It's like being numb and totally shut off from the world around you. Dark isn't it?
Today, yes I came a very, very, very long way. Took a while to kick the relapse into pill popping to the curb for good. I used to cut for a brief time when I was young and then fix myself up to make it look like it was an "accidental" cut. I was smart enough to cover my tracks, so no one knew. Yes, I went through counseling and psychiatric help and started over. It took me a good chunk of my 20s just to deal with it all. Now, I am happy, free from the hurt and the pains I dealt with over the years and no, I am not proud of the things I did to myself. Sometimes, just having someone, anyone for that matter to bring you through something or to support you where you need it the most, can make all the difference in the world. I dealt with depression, drinking heavily, experimenting with drugs and by the end of the day, just numb. The next day the problems are still there. So when I say I get it, seriously I get it. I had my own personal battles but never really spoke so much on them. I had a lot to be angry at and for. But why stay angry? Why? There is no living in that either.
I had to forgive myself and I had to forgive those around me. So before you say something, think about this, "No one knows the battles one is facing in their life. So be careful with your words and act as if you are considerate of their feelings." Showing humility is probably very rare for people trying to fight their own battles. Trust me, it is not easy to admit you have a problem and it is also not easy to admit you need help, hence why I tend to shy away a lot from asking for help for being ashamed in a way. (I know I shouldn't be, but that's how I've always felt). So at least I can say I've been to hell and back.
I know life is not always going to go as planned. Sometimes you just gotta make the most out of it. I wished there were two of me because I'm always a good friend to those I know but sometimes I can turn into my worst enemy. But with the close circle of friends I have today, I am very graceful for them, you guys really have NO IDEA! Sure its easy to judge a person than to understand them, so why not take the time to understand someone. I know I can't pretend to be something I am not. Therefore, perfect, far beyond it. But I will always strive to do the best to my ability and to be my best. My journey has not been an easy one but I'm glad to be here today.
There was a lot going on when I was growing up, so I've only mentioned just a few of the things I've dealt with. So how I relate to those going through rough patches, is how I remember what it felt like and it's no fun when people just start to give up on you. But I will say this, those who are willing to help themselves can be helped and those who are not willing to help themselves, cannot be helped. Basically, if one isn't willing to put in the effort to help themselves, they ain't going to make any use of your help. Harsh isn't it? That's reality. I'm an open-minded person and I hate when I hear how people talk about others in a negative light without first understanding what's bothering them or going on with them. Some things are hard to swallow and some are just unbearable burdens.
Bullying can affect every aspect of life to an extent. So please don't engage in doing it or encouraging it. Someone could already be at their wit ends and ready to take that plunge off the cliff. It is emotionally and mentally scarring and it can take a very bad turn.
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