Getting Back in Touch

Still-life pumpkin 11/21/13 By Gloria M. Matthews (First still-life in six years)

Six weeks of dealing with back to back illnesses and six weeks of lots of thoughts.  However, in those six weeks I had to tolerate balancing motherhood with household duties as well as personal responsibilities.

This past week was the first full week I felt good. My stomach issues still remind subtle but under control.  As I started to feel better with each passing day, I got my passion and determination back to draw, to paint, to write, and to get creative again.  I don't know what it is, but for the last six years I've been itching to be the creative person I once was so many years ago.  I studied art for years but never majored in it for it was something I could never have under the microscope of "grades".  I believed as artists we are storytellers through our works.

I posted my most recent work on to my FB page and for those who knew me in my younger years have remembered I used to have my work displayed in local libraries and galleries as part of my program.  I even have a lovely image of a baby robin sitting on a frozen icicle cherry branch done in pen and ink.  Yes, I used those lovely pens that you would dip into the liquid ink gently controlling the amount of ink you needed.  I loved pencil, pen and ink and water colors.  I did experiment with oil pastel and chalk but never came to like those mediums.  So most of my work is usually realistic or also known as still-life and abstract.

I have been out of touch with myself for a long time now.  Yes, I've been keeping busy trying to stay sane and keep up with life as an adult and a single parent.  However, now as my son is getting older, he is able to do more and more for himself  but yes, I do help him along the way.  Parenting never stops.  I don't consider myself a helicopter parent or one of those hovering parent that can be so suffocating.  (I speak from personal experience).  My son is a bright young boy and I don't make him do what I ask him,  I give him a choice in the matter.  Giving him the opportunity to not only learn how to think about the choices he has but to think for himself and to decide for himself how he wants to approach the task at hand.  When he is ready, he does what I ask him but in his own way.  The goal is as long as it gets done, besides he is only five years old and already considered a big "out-of-the-box" thinker, which is what I encourage because it makes learning that much easier to be absorbed in my opinion.   I was happy to hear how he is being noted for his WILD imagination and creativity.  We are a family of artists and creativity and wild imaginations are a must!

"Exploring Spirituality and Life" By Gloria M. Matthews 2011

Life is meant to be enjoyed, to be cherished and to be appreciated in so many ways.  Today I feel, everything is being boxed up and contained to fit societies ideals which is suppressing creativity overall.  I struggled with depression, anxiety and issues since 2005 and music was the only thing that kept me from going over the cliff.  I couldn't draw because I was so numbed and dark.  I could only write what I felt, how I felt, and what was on my mind.  My art comes from being happy on the inside or feeling lighter or just at peace.  I did do some art work during that dark time in my life but I just wasn't feeling it.  I wasn't feeling each careful line, each curve, each shading  and each look.  I was just sloppy.  I went from portfolio ready to being very sloppy.  It bugged the hell out of me to be honest.  Art was my way of expressing myself from within.  To not be able to express myself from within drove me pretty much over the edge in some respects.  I continued to listen to music but only those that I could relate to in those moments, in that time, in that mind-set.  It is like losing a piece of yourself and then trying to find someway to get it back only to lose hope in wondering if you'll ever return back to it or if it'll ever come back to you.  Well, if you are like me, it'll come back just not when you expect it to.  I do have to hone my skills with practice but once I get my skills back to where I left off, I'll be good to go. :)

I feel freer and more relieved.  I feel like I'm embarking on this new journey and getting back in-touch with

Unfinished work ---

myself and as well as my hearing journey with my cochlear implanted ear.  I'm okay with my life and I think being single for a long time is helping me find myself again.  Their is power in finding yourself in yourself.  It is a refresher to know your strengths and weaknesses.  It is also a learning experience, a experience I believe everyone should have before getting serious into any kind of relationship outside of themselves.  I have heard the saying of "You will know when you have found the one for you, when you see a part of you in them."  I do believe this to be true to some respect, however while we may naturally be co-dependent on each other, I also believe in remaining true to who one is and being able to accept their spouse or partner for who they are without having the need to "personalize" them to fit their "ideal" spouse image.  It kinda removed the randomness and the surprises and the joy in appreciating the small things one does for the other.  But more importantly allowing one to be comfortable in their own skin.  That is very important.

Over the last few years through my experience as a single deaf mother, I have dealt with critics on a personal level and to be honest I am not a fan of being "attacked" or "pushed" over because I am a "new mother" or "new" to motherhood.  Well newsflash, I was the primary caregiver in my family.  I changed diapers, feed, burped and everything a mother would do except as an older sister.  Yes, as the oldest you tend to become the "second mom" in the household.  I also worked with newborns to teens, so yes, I am aware of issues affecting young children and families.  However, if I do things differently and not like how everyone normally deals, hey it is my life and I will deal with my own issues in my own way only I know what works and what doesn't.  My advice is this, really stop assuming every situation that "sounds similar" to many are to be treated the same in respect.  No one situation is entirely similar and people involved are not exactly the same.  What I learned was this, don't give people the ability to have a say in your affairs unless they are family or close friends who respect your wishes.  I don't say anything to anyone about their situation unless they ask me for my opinion and they know I will be detailed about it and let them know the choice is theirs at the end.  I am not them and not everything is cookie cutter easy.  I do tell them I won't judge them because it is not my place.  I do have enough personal and volunteer experience to qualify me to fill in as a social worker or even a counselor, but don't have it on paper.

All the things I have endured has made me not only a better version of myself but a stronger version.  I am still a work in progress, but I am just simply human and I will admit I am nowhere near perfect.  I make mistakes just like everyone else does and sometimes I trip and fall just like everyone else.  I do think a lot because in a world of silence you get used to hearing your thoughts LOUD and CLEAR.  In a world of silence you can get lost in daydreaming and dreams.  In the world of silence imagination does run WILD.  So somehow all of that has to come "bursting" out be it in words or visuals or musical.

"Reaching Out" By Gloria M. Matthews 2008

I am no expert on raising a child or children but I do know each child will be different.  Each child will require a different approach to learning and acquiring skill sets.  I don't believe in the one-approach-fit-all concept at all.  That to me is setting up children who can't follow that to fall through the cracks.  Even as I have tutored and mentored kids in the past, I didn't always follow the concepts given, I taught those to think outside of the box and they do come to the "correct" answer just not in the way it is being taught.  To be honest, I believe our education system is broken and to get students to get the answer in ONE particular way is absurd.  I was taught more than one way to get to a particular answer as everyone had their way of learning complex problems and solving them.  But today its all about TESTING,TESTING, TESTING and competing for the best in education globally.  Seriously, the countries that do well probably don't scrutinize their teachers as much as the US does. Teaching shouldn't be stressful nor should learning.  If I ever finish my bachelor, I would serious consider getting an Educational Administration Master Degree.  I love learning, I just don't agree with excessive testing.

So I am slowly coming back to being "me" again and it is starting to feel real good again!  When they say life happens, life really does happen.  It can pull us away from what we used to do for a while until things get settled down.  There is no telling how long one will be out of commission in certain areas of their life, but life must be dealt with first.  As hard as it is to leave things sitting on the back-burner,  just know once something becomes a part of you, a part of who you really are, you don't really lose it completely.  You just gotta rebuild those skills back up and in due time it'll start flowing back to you.  Just don't force it, let it come to you.  If you have people pushing you, simply tell them that you rather take your time and that you are not here on this earth to be exploited or to please others.  We do have a purpose but it must bloom on God's timing not ours.  In other words just be patience with life overall.  Nothing happens overnight.  Be good to yourself and love yourself for who you are today.  You can always grow into a better version of yourself, just be sure not to look down on those who are trying to do the same.  Peace.