I just wanna be...

You know in life we all have potential to do something great.  Some of us know it and some of us don't just yet.  These last few weeks have been very trying for me as I am fighting with myself about where I stand.

I have always been a determined and hard working person, don't get me wrong there.  However, while I get the impression that some feel like I am currently holding myself back, just know I still got the drive I just don't have the means to do what I need to do without the added stress being put on my body.  The whole, "It's all in your mind," deal is getting old.  I actually suffer from joint and digestive issues on top of being deaf.  If I could have my 20 year old self back, then yeah no problem, I'll go for whatever it is.

Now, I am a thirty year old single mom and I wear a lot of hats that comes with that title and yet for folks who are just new to me tend to think I should be doing more because "other" single moms are doing it, "Why can't you?"  Now, I am all about advocating for myself and standing up for myself, but I believe people need to understand you cannot measure one single mom up against other single moms who are doing it all.  There is a lapse in judgement I see here and it usually doesn't cross anyone's minds at all - Support System.  If there is a strong support system in place where no one is over stepping their boundaries in helping a single mom out, than yes, that mom can do more confidently and know that her boundaries are be respected as a parent and a single woman.  In other words, her private life is left alone and her duties as a parent is left unquestioned.  If she has any parenting questions, she'll ask.  If she doesn't, she wants to gain the full experience for herself without having too much help as she knows help won't always be available when she will need it.  This is critical for any single mother to develop confident in her ability to follow her gut instinct about her child or children, she needs to rely on her own judgement call and trust it or else feel incapable of being a mother because other people decided they know best and she doesn't.  That is kinda like taking away a mother's free will to develop into the mother she can be.  While some folks may mean well, you can't hold a woman's hand through it all, she's gotta be able to learn how to hold it down for herself and her child or children.

For me, I've already had to cut a few people out of my life because of how often they overstepped their boundaries and their reasoning was very offensive to me.  For the past year, I have been able to actually relax and enjoy my own life without those people and not have to worry about them being all up in my business and questioning why I do what I do every single time. I spoke up about it, more than once, but after a while I realized if they ain't gonna stop, then it's time for me to stop listening to them all together.  They were well meaning but didn't stop overstepping my boundaries.  They would do things for me that I wanted to do for myself and it pissed me off.  They would make plans with me and/or my son and then say we had to go without giving me the opportunity to say no and if I did, I would have to explain why.  Seriously, who abuses someone's free will like that?  I am grateful for those who respect my wishes and I am grateful for those who do help me knowing I do have a life of my own.  I am grateful for those who encourage me and cheer me on, even though they understand I can only do so much.  I am grateful for those who "get it" and know that I'm more of a down-to-earth person and understand the reality I am faced to deal with.  I am grateful for those who know I am not for trouble or drama, I am for peace and working things out for the better.  I am a very patience person and have developed a tolerance for a lot of things and I know how to put up with a lot because everyday I am always putting up with a lot and a grew up putting up with a lot.

I'm for single moms who are willing to work out the best possible relationship with their child's father for the sake of the child or children involved.  No, it's not an easy task and both parties will struggle.  There are fathers out there who may not be the best man for the mom but can be a good father if they are given the opportunity and are showing willingness to be an active part of that child's or children's lives.  Too often I hear stories of children hating how they feel like they are responsible for their parents being the way they are.  Too often I hear of children speaking about issues that affect them as a result of how either the mother or father treat each other.  Too often drama breaks down the family dynamics and leave children to feel as if this is how their life is going to be forever and before you know it, the cycle continues with them when they become parents.  Children will learn about relationships based on what they see and hear everyday and to them if they are not taught otherwise about healthy relationships, that hot mess of drama in relationships become "normal" to them.

In cases of domestic violence, being that I am a child of domestic violence, the above mentioned do not apply.  Sometimes, the best thing a woman can do for herself  and her child or children is to get away and find a safe place to live.  There are laws to help many who find themselves in this unfortunate situation and from my understanding, some states and locality don't have all the resources to help women and children out.  So each case will vary depending on the degree of the abuse and the extent that it occurred.  This situation can quickly escalate into a life and death situation if people turn a deaf ear and a blind eye to it.  While I am also aware men can also be victims of domestic violence, this includes them as well.

I believe having the ability to communicate with the other parent is very important.  Being consistent is also a big plus because it is one of the building blocks to developing a trust for both parties to know and understand they are a team regardless to their separation and can develop the ability to compromise without getting upset.  If both parents want what is best for their child, then they know what they would have to do in order to establish a common ground where they can both be comfortable.  This doesn't happen overnight and it does take time and commitment to make co-parenting work effectively.  It is very trying because sometimes life can get busy and we loose track of time and forget about communicating with the other parent for a while.  And it can feel awkward after a certain amount of time has passed.  But we are all human and even as parents we can't be perfect all the time but as long as the child or children know that they have two parents who love and care about them and getting along, that is enough for them.

I will not allow anyone to tell me what I am missing out on or what I should be doing.  I know what I am capable of doing and when my time comes and it will, it won't happen on anyone else's time, it will happen on God's time.  So for now, my duties is to focus on being a mother and taking care of myself.   When my son gets older and more independent, then I will be able to have a little more room to do what I want to do.  But for now, I just wanna be.  I am blogging when I can. I am a social media co-manager and an active volunteer in more than one ways.  I read up on the latest news and try my best to stay on top of things that interest me.

I know who I am and I am putting a lot on the back burner to raise my son first.  I put family first above all things.  My loyalty to my family will play out in defense mode.  But I will say this, don't assume something you do not understand fully.  It may not be for you to understand but for those who will.  So if you don't understand, don't get frustrated, be grateful for the life you do have and for those who do understand, you know what you value.  Not everything is meant to be understood and the reason for that is because you have to go through some things to really understand just how deep it goes and what the "textbooks" can't really explain but a theoretical and/or socialism versions.  Textbook=Impersonal and Reality=Personal.  That's my take on it and you can apply theories and prove it in so many ways but the elements that makes up the human aspect doesn't always speak the whole truth.

I feel much better now, but seriously I think many single moms would appreciate if they can just be and not compared to what other single moms are doing.  They need to find their own paths and when they come to that point in their lives to ask for help, they will ask but they will also make it known to you exactly what they need and expect from you.  You can either respect their wishes and the boundaries they set or you can simply refer them to someone who will not overstep their boundaries if you have the tendency of overstepping and getting too involved.  Empower women to be themselves without making them feel inferior to others around them.