What's it like to be hard of hearing?
In my previous blog posts, I wrote I have been hard of hearing since the age of four. So given the fact that I am now thirty, I do have insight from my own experiences growing up to being a single parent.
As a child, my hearing loss range started out in the mild to moderate bilateral sensorineural hearing loss due to an unknown illness. Now at four, they say it is important for any child to have well-developed speech and language usage. I got held back in Kindergarten because of my hearing loss. I felt cheated out of reading advanced books because I was hard of hearing. I got jealous of the hearing kids because they all connected and I couldn't, even if I did make the effort, I always got some kind of backlash. Of course, back in the 80s being made "fun of" was considered as a rite of passage in growing up, however for a child with a hearing loss it was damaging. I became afraid of my peers to some degree, I developed a distrust among them and I always, always questioned to myself everyone's intentions towards me. So in a way, yes, I was shy and quiet.
I didn't enjoy speaking up or raising my hands in class. There was always a chance that either my teachers and my classmates would misunderstand what I had said and sometimes repeating myself got to the point of being pointless. So I just kept the answers to myself and decided to avoid that feeling of being embarrassed altogether. Of course, if you were a teacher who had no clue how to teach a child with a hearing loss, you have no idea how empty of a feeling it is to be somewhat scorned for not pronouncing things correctly or writing correctly. Even with speech therapy, the English language is the hardest language to master in terms of speaking it and that is coming from someone who went through 18 years of speech therapy.
As a preteen, I decided I have had enough of being made fun of and people deciding what they thought was best for me. I decided in middle school to voice my concerns and share my feelings on how I felt in terms of learning and socialization. I could have cared less at that time if I was a loner and one of my varsity track and field coaches dubbed me as "The Lone Runner" during practice. Yes, I was a part of a team but always felt left out because I didn't feel like I could relate to anything they would be talking about among each other. If any of them spoke to me, I would personally feel bad because I struggled to understand what they were saying among everyone else who was also talking, so it was easier for me to be by myself and to be quiet. Even as I was on the relay teams, I did my best to listen out for my teammates while competing but off the track, a few high fives and congratulations was just about it. I wouldn't blame my teammates for not knowing, but I loved running and I enjoyed competing with them. Sometimes, you just gotta look at the good and take what you can even if its something small.
My teen years, I spent practically ill due to stress overload. High School was pretty much hell. I couldn't deal with my teachers being so closed minded in my opinion, the school was always taking my note-takers away and reassigning them for hallway duties while I struggled to keep up in lectures and getting notes from my classmates, which no one was willing to help me out. Ouch! I got frustrated with my English teachers because my writing "wasn't good enough" and no matter how many re-writes I did and even with a special ed teacher's help, I was getting put down for grammar and punctuation. Oh, how I loathe academic writing til this very day! I only heard what I could hear and how hearing folks hear things is completely different then that of an individual who doesn't always hear ALL the sounds in the spoken and written English language. So as a hard of hearing individual, yes, we write according to what we hear and how we hear and no, we may not be the best in terms of academic writings all the time, but give us some credit for trying our best! If I don't hear a comma or a semi-colon or any of those annoying, yes annoying little punctuations, I'm sorry but if it's silent and my brain doesn't "HEAR" it, it will not register for long-term memory! No matter how many times I go over the grammar and punctuation usage guidelines, I'm always going to struggle in that department.
College was GREAT! Awesome support systems and instructors (most of them) were understanding and willing to work with me. That was kind of an upgrade from what I dealt with all my young life. I honestly don't think, high school should be so quick to give up on students who struggle. They should also remember that those students who do have a disability and proof of it can get the extra help they need at the college of their choice. I felt way more comfortable in college because the instructors were better educated and more open in teaching students who had disabilities because they saw that determination and will to succeed despite their own limitations. I think they also understood that learning doesn't come easy for some of us and it may take some time for us to master the courses we needed to graduate. My social life, flourish in college as well. I still talk to most of my friends from college today, when I can. When it came time to transfer to a four year school, that is where I dealt with instructors who didn't want to hear how you heard things. I actually got thrown under the bus by one of the English instructors at one of the local state colleges and I actually had an emotional breakdown because of her and withdrew from the college. She actually slammed me for not using proper grammar, punctuation and more. I was an 'A' student in her class but an 'F' on paper...yeah OUCH! I tried to explain it to her but she waved her Doctorate degree in my face in her field. Honestly, my advice is this, just because you have a Doctorate degree in the field of English with a special concentration, it doesn't make you an expert in determining how a hard of hearing student should be writing or should be able to hear especially as their hearing gets worst, they will be missing out on more and more sounds. SOUNDS is necessary for understanding language be it written or spoken. If those sounds are very limited due to hearing loss, the expectation for the student with his or her hearing getting worst should at least meet them half way and make an exception. My guideline is as long as the thoughts are well organized and written with enough supporting details and a sound conclusion, that should be enough. You can go over all the grammar and punctuation issues all you want, but by the end of the day, a student like myself is exhausted because my brain is tired from listening and from focusing so HARD on trying to meet this higher standard of college writing that it's almost pointless. I did work with tutors but even they struggled with how I heard things and for them it was something new. With all this focus on just one out of the four classes, I fell behind in my other classes and it was a disaster.
As a young adult, dating and relationships sucks. There was always misunderstanding and miscommunications involved. At times I felt like I wasn't being heard and to some degree I wasn't. Then just the other day I was thinking back to my early 20s and I realized because I knew I was losing my hearing as I got older, my point of view and perspective of the world around me came from a hard of hearing/deaf perspective. So those who lived in the hearing world all their lives may have struggled to understand why I wasn't agreeing with them, why I came off "difficult" at times, and why I couldn't do things that would potentially put me at a disadvantage. It wasn't that I was afraid, it was because I knew what would happen if I missed out on something and I would look foolish for doing something I did not completely understand. So for those who struggled with me, yes, it hurts but at least I know where I stand. This world is cruel in so many small ways and sometimes by the end of the day, when I'm exhausted from dealing and coping, it feels like the world is crunching me and all I want to do is be alone in complete silence.
Today, I have dealt with being turned down from a lot of potentially career driven jobs. Now, I feel like it's me vs the world, all over again. That constant fight to have your voice heard, your work ethnics seen, your determination to be a great asset is so, so tiring. Even after I graduated with my Associate degree, the career department tried to line me up with a few jobs and even they were baffled at how I didn't land any of those jobs. I had great recommendations, a short work history, but I knew my stuff. Now I feel like I am paying back for a degree no one wanted to accept me in. I have a Business Administration with a concentration in Accounting degree (yes, I know). I'm in debt with student loans with payments that I really can't afford and living off a fixed income. I got angry with one of my loaners because of the harassing calls and not listening to my financial situation. I have another loaner that I have to fill out another financial hardship form and next year will mark ten years since I graduated with my Associate degree. It's discouraging and like a slap in the face because I graduated Magna cum Laude with a 3.84 GPA. Feels like all the hard work for almost nothing to be honest.
Since I do encounter medical issues during the last fall throughout the winter months, it only seems to make me wonder how much can I do. As a single mom, with a first grader (updated 10/3/14) (100% natural hearing, CODA), I am managing the household, budgeting and trying to plan out doctor appointments (as needed) and other engagements coming up. As I am still considered young, due to my history with stress, my whole body has a way of giving out these days. I do stress out over not having a vehicle of my own, a job of my own and the ability to just get out and just go. I would love to drive out to see my friends with my son and it kinda kills me a bit that I cannot make those trips when I would like to. I would like to volunteer at local organizations but I do not have a working cell phone and I tried the Safelink program but I can barely hear on the phone and texting is a pain for my hands as I deal with Carpel Tunnel. Overall, I am left frustrated.
-----> Update 10/3/14: Currently have a working cellphone with unlimited text and data under AT&T Disability Plan.
I do have a CI in my right ear and before I got sick in October of 2013, I was enjoying listening and hearing with ease. But because of the harsh winter we have had, man I suffered lost time in the rehabilitation aspect and set me back some. Speech was just starting to come in clearer before I got sick and now speech doesn't sound like speech. I am still recovering from the side effects of the back to back infections, but oh, its frustrating because I don't have all the time in the world. Yes, I can do audio books but most days between my talkative son and just listening to the TV is enough for me. I have left both my hearing aid and CI off for a few days as I needed my brain to rest after experiencing light headiness. So, yes, I am technically deaf today and utilize a hearing aid in my left and a CI (Cochlear Implant) in my right. I still get tired very easily and I wish I could deal with more sounds, but when sounds become garbled its time to take a rest. It's great to push yourself to hear better with the CI ear but I know my limits and I cannot afford to be constantly drained out. Because I am considered healthy overall, I do have to deal with chronic sinusitis, server allergies, lower back issues, carpel tunnel and arthritis in the joints. These issues all depend on the season and certain times of the year. I sometimes have to deal with it all at once, but I've gotten better at minimizing everything down to one or two. I also have the occasional head cold, but there is no fun in dealing with a head cold or chronic sinusitis especially if you wear hearing aid(s) and/or a CI.
This is my life in perspective. All I can say is I try to do my best and because I honestly don't want to put myself under anymore stress, I usually stay close by to where I live and I either walk or jog around my area when I can. I do yoga and Pilates more during the winter months. I love being active and traveling, unfortunately not traveling makes me feel like a hermit...ewww. I'm not one to stay in one place ALL THE TIME, but I love exploring and being able to take my son out to check out different cultures and locations. I do my best to stay up to date with the latest news and explore my options but overall, I am tired and for now, I just want people to know, it is not always easy nor clear cut. I do have wonderful friends willing to help me out, but I also acknowledge that they too have things they have to do and things they want to do on their own time and I respect that. Sometimes making do with what I have is all I can do on some days. And like most, I do have my own life, I just try to make the best out of it. Hearing people may never understand how blessed they are to hear with ease without using up all their energy on listening in just one setting. For those who are aware of how tiring it is to listen in noisy environments, do not be surprise if you see someone like myself yawning and about ready for bed, because NOISE+LISTEN+LIPREADING = EXHAUSTION! When I get back up to 95% with my energy, I will try my CI ear out again with auditory training. Trust me, I need that energy to listen, without it I won't be benefiting from the auditory training so rest is a must. Peace.
As a child, my hearing loss range started out in the mild to moderate bilateral sensorineural hearing loss due to an unknown illness. Now at four, they say it is important for any child to have well-developed speech and language usage. I got held back in Kindergarten because of my hearing loss. I felt cheated out of reading advanced books because I was hard of hearing. I got jealous of the hearing kids because they all connected and I couldn't, even if I did make the effort, I always got some kind of backlash. Of course, back in the 80s being made "fun of" was considered as a rite of passage in growing up, however for a child with a hearing loss it was damaging. I became afraid of my peers to some degree, I developed a distrust among them and I always, always questioned to myself everyone's intentions towards me. So in a way, yes, I was shy and quiet.
I didn't enjoy speaking up or raising my hands in class. There was always a chance that either my teachers and my classmates would misunderstand what I had said and sometimes repeating myself got to the point of being pointless. So I just kept the answers to myself and decided to avoid that feeling of being embarrassed altogether. Of course, if you were a teacher who had no clue how to teach a child with a hearing loss, you have no idea how empty of a feeling it is to be somewhat scorned for not pronouncing things correctly or writing correctly. Even with speech therapy, the English language is the hardest language to master in terms of speaking it and that is coming from someone who went through 18 years of speech therapy.
As a preteen, I decided I have had enough of being made fun of and people deciding what they thought was best for me. I decided in middle school to voice my concerns and share my feelings on how I felt in terms of learning and socialization. I could have cared less at that time if I was a loner and one of my varsity track and field coaches dubbed me as "The Lone Runner" during practice. Yes, I was a part of a team but always felt left out because I didn't feel like I could relate to anything they would be talking about among each other. If any of them spoke to me, I would personally feel bad because I struggled to understand what they were saying among everyone else who was also talking, so it was easier for me to be by myself and to be quiet. Even as I was on the relay teams, I did my best to listen out for my teammates while competing but off the track, a few high fives and congratulations was just about it. I wouldn't blame my teammates for not knowing, but I loved running and I enjoyed competing with them. Sometimes, you just gotta look at the good and take what you can even if its something small.
My teen years, I spent practically ill due to stress overload. High School was pretty much hell. I couldn't deal with my teachers being so closed minded in my opinion, the school was always taking my note-takers away and reassigning them for hallway duties while I struggled to keep up in lectures and getting notes from my classmates, which no one was willing to help me out. Ouch! I got frustrated with my English teachers because my writing "wasn't good enough" and no matter how many re-writes I did and even with a special ed teacher's help, I was getting put down for grammar and punctuation. Oh, how I loathe academic writing til this very day! I only heard what I could hear and how hearing folks hear things is completely different then that of an individual who doesn't always hear ALL the sounds in the spoken and written English language. So as a hard of hearing individual, yes, we write according to what we hear and how we hear and no, we may not be the best in terms of academic writings all the time, but give us some credit for trying our best! If I don't hear a comma or a semi-colon or any of those annoying, yes annoying little punctuations, I'm sorry but if it's silent and my brain doesn't "HEAR" it, it will not register for long-term memory! No matter how many times I go over the grammar and punctuation usage guidelines, I'm always going to struggle in that department.
College was GREAT! Awesome support systems and instructors (most of them) were understanding and willing to work with me. That was kind of an upgrade from what I dealt with all my young life. I honestly don't think, high school should be so quick to give up on students who struggle. They should also remember that those students who do have a disability and proof of it can get the extra help they need at the college of their choice. I felt way more comfortable in college because the instructors were better educated and more open in teaching students who had disabilities because they saw that determination and will to succeed despite their own limitations. I think they also understood that learning doesn't come easy for some of us and it may take some time for us to master the courses we needed to graduate. My social life, flourish in college as well. I still talk to most of my friends from college today, when I can. When it came time to transfer to a four year school, that is where I dealt with instructors who didn't want to hear how you heard things. I actually got thrown under the bus by one of the English instructors at one of the local state colleges and I actually had an emotional breakdown because of her and withdrew from the college. She actually slammed me for not using proper grammar, punctuation and more. I was an 'A' student in her class but an 'F' on paper...yeah OUCH! I tried to explain it to her but she waved her Doctorate degree in my face in her field. Honestly, my advice is this, just because you have a Doctorate degree in the field of English with a special concentration, it doesn't make you an expert in determining how a hard of hearing student should be writing or should be able to hear especially as their hearing gets worst, they will be missing out on more and more sounds. SOUNDS is necessary for understanding language be it written or spoken. If those sounds are very limited due to hearing loss, the expectation for the student with his or her hearing getting worst should at least meet them half way and make an exception. My guideline is as long as the thoughts are well organized and written with enough supporting details and a sound conclusion, that should be enough. You can go over all the grammar and punctuation issues all you want, but by the end of the day, a student like myself is exhausted because my brain is tired from listening and from focusing so HARD on trying to meet this higher standard of college writing that it's almost pointless. I did work with tutors but even they struggled with how I heard things and for them it was something new. With all this focus on just one out of the four classes, I fell behind in my other classes and it was a disaster.
As a young adult, dating and relationships sucks. There was always misunderstanding and miscommunications involved. At times I felt like I wasn't being heard and to some degree I wasn't. Then just the other day I was thinking back to my early 20s and I realized because I knew I was losing my hearing as I got older, my point of view and perspective of the world around me came from a hard of hearing/deaf perspective. So those who lived in the hearing world all their lives may have struggled to understand why I wasn't agreeing with them, why I came off "difficult" at times, and why I couldn't do things that would potentially put me at a disadvantage. It wasn't that I was afraid, it was because I knew what would happen if I missed out on something and I would look foolish for doing something I did not completely understand. So for those who struggled with me, yes, it hurts but at least I know where I stand. This world is cruel in so many small ways and sometimes by the end of the day, when I'm exhausted from dealing and coping, it feels like the world is crunching me and all I want to do is be alone in complete silence.
Today, I have dealt with being turned down from a lot of potentially career driven jobs. Now, I feel like it's me vs the world, all over again. That constant fight to have your voice heard, your work ethnics seen, your determination to be a great asset is so, so tiring. Even after I graduated with my Associate degree, the career department tried to line me up with a few jobs and even they were baffled at how I didn't land any of those jobs. I had great recommendations, a short work history, but I knew my stuff. Now I feel like I am paying back for a degree no one wanted to accept me in. I have a Business Administration with a concentration in Accounting degree (yes, I know). I'm in debt with student loans with payments that I really can't afford and living off a fixed income. I got angry with one of my loaners because of the harassing calls and not listening to my financial situation. I have another loaner that I have to fill out another financial hardship form and next year will mark ten years since I graduated with my Associate degree. It's discouraging and like a slap in the face because I graduated Magna cum Laude with a 3.84 GPA. Feels like all the hard work for almost nothing to be honest.
Since I do encounter medical issues during the last fall throughout the winter months, it only seems to make me wonder how much can I do. As a single mom, with a first grader (updated 10/3/14) (100% natural hearing, CODA), I am managing the household, budgeting and trying to plan out doctor appointments (as needed) and other engagements coming up. As I am still considered young, due to my history with stress, my whole body has a way of giving out these days. I do stress out over not having a vehicle of my own, a job of my own and the ability to just get out and just go. I would love to drive out to see my friends with my son and it kinda kills me a bit that I cannot make those trips when I would like to. I would like to volunteer at local organizations but I do not have a working cell phone and I tried the Safelink program but I can barely hear on the phone and texting is a pain for my hands as I deal with Carpel Tunnel. Overall, I am left frustrated.
-----> Update 10/3/14: Currently have a working cellphone with unlimited text and data under AT&T Disability Plan.
I do have a CI in my right ear and before I got sick in October of 2013, I was enjoying listening and hearing with ease. But because of the harsh winter we have had, man I suffered lost time in the rehabilitation aspect and set me back some. Speech was just starting to come in clearer before I got sick and now speech doesn't sound like speech. I am still recovering from the side effects of the back to back infections, but oh, its frustrating because I don't have all the time in the world. Yes, I can do audio books but most days between my talkative son and just listening to the TV is enough for me. I have left both my hearing aid and CI off for a few days as I needed my brain to rest after experiencing light headiness. So, yes, I am technically deaf today and utilize a hearing aid in my left and a CI (Cochlear Implant) in my right. I still get tired very easily and I wish I could deal with more sounds, but when sounds become garbled its time to take a rest. It's great to push yourself to hear better with the CI ear but I know my limits and I cannot afford to be constantly drained out. Because I am considered healthy overall, I do have to deal with chronic sinusitis, server allergies, lower back issues, carpel tunnel and arthritis in the joints. These issues all depend on the season and certain times of the year. I sometimes have to deal with it all at once, but I've gotten better at minimizing everything down to one or two. I also have the occasional head cold, but there is no fun in dealing with a head cold or chronic sinusitis especially if you wear hearing aid(s) and/or a CI.
This is my life in perspective. All I can say is I try to do my best and because I honestly don't want to put myself under anymore stress, I usually stay close by to where I live and I either walk or jog around my area when I can. I do yoga and Pilates more during the winter months. I love being active and traveling, unfortunately not traveling makes me feel like a hermit...ewww. I'm not one to stay in one place ALL THE TIME, but I love exploring and being able to take my son out to check out different cultures and locations. I do my best to stay up to date with the latest news and explore my options but overall, I am tired and for now, I just want people to know, it is not always easy nor clear cut. I do have wonderful friends willing to help me out, but I also acknowledge that they too have things they have to do and things they want to do on their own time and I respect that. Sometimes making do with what I have is all I can do on some days. And like most, I do have my own life, I just try to make the best out of it. Hearing people may never understand how blessed they are to hear with ease without using up all their energy on listening in just one setting. For those who are aware of how tiring it is to listen in noisy environments, do not be surprise if you see someone like myself yawning and about ready for bed, because NOISE+LISTEN+LIPREADING = EXHAUSTION! When I get back up to 95% with my energy, I will try my CI ear out again with auditory training. Trust me, I need that energy to listen, without it I won't be benefiting from the auditory training so rest is a must. Peace.
Comments
Post a Comment