A pillow to hug, a box of tissues and many tears
This past weekend I was on some sort of an emotional roller-coaster. But in the mist of it, I while I was just tired and stressed out, I was reminded of past hurts out of the blues, loss time, missed friends and family, loss loves, loss everything. I gotta say I must have cried for the first time in God knows how long really hard, all I did was hold a pilliow, with my box of tissues curled up on the couch in the dark and just sobbed away. I was hurting from within for so long, fighting to hang on and my mind was saying to let go and my stubborn heart said "No, just wait!" My mind has already dealt with everything and came to terms with it all. My heart, is one that loves beyond reasons and refuses to give up even after it has been shattered into a million pieces. Talk about conflict of the mind and the heart.
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Once upon a time, a young girl always used her head instead of her heart. She had already experienced heartaches and disappointments in her young life. As she got older, still struggling with her own life, her own demons until someone told her to take a leap of faith on love. A part of her wishes she never did and the other part is glad she got to experience just a "taste" of it. But as an adult, she feels like she's better off being alone for she found herself growing tired of arguing, fighting and disagreements. Love steams from within and because she never really did know how to love and accept herself as a young girl she cut and popped pills. She struggled with her own self-worth for years and all she wanted was to be seen and heard.
There are tales of domestic violence in her past, tales of abuse of some degree, tales of betrayal and mistrust. Surely, you can't blame her for being who she is. As an adult she feels more in control of her life, more in control of living free of all the negatives in her life. She knows she came a long way, yet her poor heart still aches. She can't quite express it, she can't describe it all she knows is how it just feels heavy, then light and then in-between. Counseling she completed after seven years and she was good but would still have to face and deal with her world and reality around her but she was armed with a new-found strength in herself. The deal with being on her own was "big" it was actually a relief but like anything the struggle would always be there. This is where her strong willed self came out more, her self-confident to do better, to treat herself better, but most importantly love herself through the good and the bad (even if) and when it got extremely difficult. She would suck it up and just deal the best way she knew how. But by the end of each day, when night falls and her child is asleep, she reflects on her day and her life. She reflects on her own actions, what she could have done differently and how she can learn from her mistakes. No one knows this about her, but it is what she has been doing since she was a "lost" young hard of hearing child in a hearing world that seemed mostly cold to her.
She learned how harsh this world truly was before reaching adulthood and she knew it would only get harsher. However, she was blessed with a few loving, kind, understanding and warm hearts over the years, because of those warm hearts, they gave her a sense of hope. They were far and few in-between, but they were there............
_________________________________________________________________________________
A pillow, a box of tissues and tears....sometimes that all I need to do. Sometimes when human touch seem so far away and no one knows the hurt you feel, sometimes crying alone is just something one just has to do. I'm not big at crying in front of others and if I do, it's not only hurting me but it's opening up one of the many scars that have once healed due to something I faced before. Sometimes, while truth may serve it purpose, truth can also reopen a wound that I may have already accepted about myself and no, I am not perfect and no, my flaws are not to be under attack because no one is 100% perfect or right. I'm human and I have feelings and even if I don't show my emotions, I still feel deeply. Yes, I will admit I can be my own worst enemy at times, but who isn't?
I live life being positive today because I know what's its like to live in darkness without a light to guide you. I will always try to shed a light in the mist of darkness because I know what happens when one stays too long there. I will understand the gravity of all situations, I will listen intensively, I will think about everything I heard and try to shine a light when there seems to be no other way but I know there is ALWAYS a way. Sometimes you just have to make a way, make something work, make something count or life is just empty. However, when I'm faced with some situations and others want me to do something I feel extremely uncomfortable or just out of place, sometimes I know its best that I maintain my distance for I may know a thing or two that could wreck what the other person may be trying to accomplish by using me in a manner to get something that only they want. Without regards to how I may feel, they may still insists on pressuring me or pushing me or blaming me, however, I live life differently from many and I like peace and quiet. I believe sometimes, just accepting the fact that I will always do my best to treat others with respect and dignity should be enough. It may not be the kind they may want out of me, but if I am polite and well-mannered, please accept the little that you do get. I could be worst, but I chose not to. I chose not to.
Sometimes, you can't comprehend how difficult a situation may already be for one and even if they are making strides, do not push, pull or drag them. It is unfortunate, we live in a world where people plot and plan on using others just to make themselves happy without regards to how much of a negative impact they leave on those who are being used. People are paying a price either way.
All I know is this is, sometimes we just have to make the best out of everything even if it not how you may want it to be, sometimes it just has to be enough even when enough isn't enough. I get it. So, yes, I am human and no matter what I gotta face on my own, it feels like a never-ending battle and a world that is bleak. I will always try to see the good, but I do have a big heart that cares and no I may not always show it for I know how people can used me for it - it has been done and it leaves scars behind. When someone is genuine with their heart and it shows with action, do not take piety on them or use them to your advantage, for they may being giving you the last of what they have and to watch people waste a "gift" is like taking a dagger to the one who thought you needed help and damaging the little good that is left in them. Yet, people wonder why people don't help as much? People eventually grow tired of being used and watching a "gift" be wasted. So now people have to "pay" for help, help that some may appreciate and many may not. If free help was available to all, those who truly need it and would appreciated it, would do the same. If you have a heart, know people suffer in silence for their is no "affordable" or "acceptable" help.
So through the good and the bad, I am still standing and yes, I have days where I just want to just hide away from the world for a while and figure things out for myself. I'm not used to taking advice from others unless I ask for it. I may have to cry here and there, but it's a release. May not be the release I'm used to, but at lease its a healthy release.
That's all for now.
________________________________________________________________________________
Once upon a time, a young girl always used her head instead of her heart. She had already experienced heartaches and disappointments in her young life. As she got older, still struggling with her own life, her own demons until someone told her to take a leap of faith on love. A part of her wishes she never did and the other part is glad she got to experience just a "taste" of it. But as an adult, she feels like she's better off being alone for she found herself growing tired of arguing, fighting and disagreements. Love steams from within and because she never really did know how to love and accept herself as a young girl she cut and popped pills. She struggled with her own self-worth for years and all she wanted was to be seen and heard.
There are tales of domestic violence in her past, tales of abuse of some degree, tales of betrayal and mistrust. Surely, you can't blame her for being who she is. As an adult she feels more in control of her life, more in control of living free of all the negatives in her life. She knows she came a long way, yet her poor heart still aches. She can't quite express it, she can't describe it all she knows is how it just feels heavy, then light and then in-between. Counseling she completed after seven years and she was good but would still have to face and deal with her world and reality around her but she was armed with a new-found strength in herself. The deal with being on her own was "big" it was actually a relief but like anything the struggle would always be there. This is where her strong willed self came out more, her self-confident to do better, to treat herself better, but most importantly love herself through the good and the bad (even if) and when it got extremely difficult. She would suck it up and just deal the best way she knew how. But by the end of each day, when night falls and her child is asleep, she reflects on her day and her life. She reflects on her own actions, what she could have done differently and how she can learn from her mistakes. No one knows this about her, but it is what she has been doing since she was a "lost" young hard of hearing child in a hearing world that seemed mostly cold to her.
She learned how harsh this world truly was before reaching adulthood and she knew it would only get harsher. However, she was blessed with a few loving, kind, understanding and warm hearts over the years, because of those warm hearts, they gave her a sense of hope. They were far and few in-between, but they were there............
_________________________________________________________________________________
A pillow, a box of tissues and tears....sometimes that all I need to do. Sometimes when human touch seem so far away and no one knows the hurt you feel, sometimes crying alone is just something one just has to do. I'm not big at crying in front of others and if I do, it's not only hurting me but it's opening up one of the many scars that have once healed due to something I faced before. Sometimes, while truth may serve it purpose, truth can also reopen a wound that I may have already accepted about myself and no, I am not perfect and no, my flaws are not to be under attack because no one is 100% perfect or right. I'm human and I have feelings and even if I don't show my emotions, I still feel deeply. Yes, I will admit I can be my own worst enemy at times, but who isn't?
I live life being positive today because I know what's its like to live in darkness without a light to guide you. I will always try to shed a light in the mist of darkness because I know what happens when one stays too long there. I will understand the gravity of all situations, I will listen intensively, I will think about everything I heard and try to shine a light when there seems to be no other way but I know there is ALWAYS a way. Sometimes you just have to make a way, make something work, make something count or life is just empty. However, when I'm faced with some situations and others want me to do something I feel extremely uncomfortable or just out of place, sometimes I know its best that I maintain my distance for I may know a thing or two that could wreck what the other person may be trying to accomplish by using me in a manner to get something that only they want. Without regards to how I may feel, they may still insists on pressuring me or pushing me or blaming me, however, I live life differently from many and I like peace and quiet. I believe sometimes, just accepting the fact that I will always do my best to treat others with respect and dignity should be enough. It may not be the kind they may want out of me, but if I am polite and well-mannered, please accept the little that you do get. I could be worst, but I chose not to. I chose not to.
Sometimes, you can't comprehend how difficult a situation may already be for one and even if they are making strides, do not push, pull or drag them. It is unfortunate, we live in a world where people plot and plan on using others just to make themselves happy without regards to how much of a negative impact they leave on those who are being used. People are paying a price either way.
All I know is this is, sometimes we just have to make the best out of everything even if it not how you may want it to be, sometimes it just has to be enough even when enough isn't enough. I get it. So, yes, I am human and no matter what I gotta face on my own, it feels like a never-ending battle and a world that is bleak. I will always try to see the good, but I do have a big heart that cares and no I may not always show it for I know how people can used me for it - it has been done and it leaves scars behind. When someone is genuine with their heart and it shows with action, do not take piety on them or use them to your advantage, for they may being giving you the last of what they have and to watch people waste a "gift" is like taking a dagger to the one who thought you needed help and damaging the little good that is left in them. Yet, people wonder why people don't help as much? People eventually grow tired of being used and watching a "gift" be wasted. So now people have to "pay" for help, help that some may appreciate and many may not. If free help was available to all, those who truly need it and would appreciated it, would do the same. If you have a heart, know people suffer in silence for their is no "affordable" or "acceptable" help.
So through the good and the bad, I am still standing and yes, I have days where I just want to just hide away from the world for a while and figure things out for myself. I'm not used to taking advice from others unless I ask for it. I may have to cry here and there, but it's a release. May not be the release I'm used to, but at lease its a healthy release.
That's all for now.
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