Keeping a distance
Maybe its just me, but I've grown to some degree detached from those who do know me. Only very, very few I remain extremely close to and attached.
In light of recent events, I've decided to distant myself from some people and leave them all alone for good. After a while, it's not worth the arguments, the disagreements, the mind games, the plotting and scheming, and lack of communication to even be call a healthy relationship. Over the years because of my background, I really don't allow myself to get attached to anyone easily. But in a heart beat I will be out of the picture if I sense I'm being left out, not trustworthy or basically just a person feeling less then "ideal" to have in someone's life. I don't appreciate being used or being a pawn. If in any manner I sense no one is telling me something, I will just easily walk away.
It is easy to walk away? No, it's not. I may not be the best in expression my emotions in person, for expression emotions growing up was seen as an negative and I learned in my early adulthood that it is healthy to express your emotions. When I talk to people, I; when I take time to listen and listen in silent, I care. When I don't raise my voice to be heard and someone shuts me down, to me that's not caring at all. That to me comes off as demeaning and being righteous. I learned early in my life that people who feel like blaming me for something that I had no control over or no "active" part in, usually need someone to blame or to call out and I'm usually that person.
I do not do yelling because I will take it as verbal abuse. If someone decides to yell at me over the phone because of a decision I made that they did not like, let me say not all decisions I make will be well-liked. I have morals and values instilled in me and I do not make decisions to please others. I will make a decision that will help set up a starting point for all involved and work from that point on. If no one wants to change how things are, they are bounded to avoid the decision made and continue to bicker. It's not about what is right or wrong, but what is best. But unfortunately, we live in a world where it comes down to the one question, "What about me?" instead of "How can we best move on to benefit all who are involved?" It cannot be one group vs. another group or one person vs. a group, it has to be a united front. Without the united front, all things are bound to fail miserably.
I can't work with people who force others to be friends or push them to like one another. The problem with that is, it will only create resentment in either one or the other or both to a certain degree. The more one pushes or forces, the more resentment is developed. The will to get to know the other person personally goes out the window. If two people are not naturally getting to know each other, obviously it ain't meant to be. However, if people respect each other and go about their own lives, leave it at that. No need to try to force someone to speak to you or someone you may know unless it's for work. When it comes to family, which can get tricky, all I will say is take the respect and leave it at that. If no one got anything to say or they are not entirely comfortable, leave it be and keep it moving. I know for me, if I am uncomfortable, I will gladly leave the room and go into another room or just go out for a walk. However, it's when something is deep, it usually has to to do truth and I have my own truth and everyone else has theirs. I will not argue my part or speak my part when I know the other person doesn't care to hear it. So why speak at all?
I know enough when I know I'm not wanted to be around. I know enough to know when I am not getting a good vibe at all, something is up. I know enough to keep my distance when things go deadly silence for no given reason. I know when it's time to pack up the bags and go. After a while, you just know something is up and when something is up, be it bad or good and it's unknown, my guards go up high regardless. I may not be the best communicator, but I try. But when it's nothing but voice mails and no return calls, why should I be comfortable with that? That is more of the reason why I just stop communicating. When it's an email and no response back - I'm talking more than a week pass- then two weeks then four and the days keep rolling by - why keep up communicating when it all one sided? The same amount of days that passes with using a phone, it really takes two to communicate, not just leaving it all for one person to all the talking. So for me to be comfortable calling someone or texting or even emailing or chatting - it all requires a response within a reasonable time frame. If its a once in a great while deal, I'm sorry I won't say much at all. Eventually, I just distant myself and when I do, I don't cross a river or an ocean to make anything work after doing it for a long time. I just won't.
So really, I've had my fair share of being shut out. I know as years passes by, people who wise up out of no where pop up to apologize and the problem with that is, they knew who I was and who I currently am and no matter what they may say, it won't make one bit of a difference. "Sorry" - just doesn't cut it with me anymore. I will say, if life is going good, good for you but leave me out of it. I know my part and my ability to communicate may be due to the fact that I don't interpret everything exactly as people want me to. It could be because of the wording they used and my brain has to process not only the sounds of words spoken but its order and if it doesn't "sound" right in my mind, people need to realize to make it simple so I won't have to work so hard at trying to decipher what is being said and getting angry. Yet, I think some people do it on purpose and just to get me angry. I avoid being angry at all cost for I would need a punching bag - no wait a kickboxing bag- to release that anger. Kick boxing has been my go-to when life got tough in college, but I haven't been to a bag in years and I miss it.
So I have had people complaint to me about all the "extra" work they had to put into repeating themselves and having to listen to my "broken" speech (which those who are close to me say my speech is fine including my current speech therapist) and how it's not only hard on me but it is on them. WOW! Really?! Mind you, these are words of naturally hearing folks. So yes, I've heard it from plenty and since I don't speak to them nor ask how they are doing. Again, I keep a distance. They say who you surround yourself with will determine the outcome of how your life is played out and it's true. If people treat you in a negative way and don't believe in you, you would then be forced to do a lot of things on your own and exhausted mentally, physically and emotionally because it's a you vs. the world deal. But when you start to meet people who appreciate you and respect you for who you are, things start to ease up in life a bit. You have that little support and as time moves on, that support grows and those who didn't help you nor benefit you start to fade away from you because you decided to keep going and moving forward. The beauty in life is there, sometimes it appears at the most unexpected times in life and sometimes we fail to see it.
Sometimes, in life when the truth is known to do more damage than good, it's better to know the truth then to live and die not knowing the truth. It'll almost be like dying in vain of a lie. Even if a lie is meant to protect, even it comes out eventually and the longer it goes on, the more it will hurt because then people will feel deceived. Trust is not a luxury to be lost. Once it is, there is no getting that trust back to the fullness. Once again - a distance is created. A distance develops over time when something is not right. When I say "right" I mean, when something feels out of place and there is a lack of connecting - a distance can grow from just that. As humans we have the need to be in constant contact with those we express care towards, but when one party decides to do something to jeopardize that care or abuse it in any kind of manner - that need to be in constant contact decreases drastically either on one or both sides. While, I understand life is busy - I also understand that it can be very short. So every time when someone delays or put off from checking up on family or friends, it's only one more little thing they are going be to left wishing they have done. We are not guaranteed tomorrow but we can make today count by adding meaning to it.
Distance is something that have developed in many different kinds of relationships. There is a good distance where communication is stable and predictable but respecting one or both parties spaces. Then there is your bad distance where communication gets spotty and the comfort level of making the effort to call, text, or email or even chat drops and nothing is really stable. The "bad" distance is usually when one feels neglected or forgotten about and if no one wants people to think that, then answer or response back to their messages. If someone took time out to contact you or to reach out to you in good faith, treat them with the same respect and care. If one side wants more and they are not getting what they want, but can't appreciate the little that they are even getting, there is no point to keep on. I appreciate a lot of folks and no, I may not always agree with them, but the bottom line is I show respect without having to sacrifice my self-respect, my morals or my values. But distance- sometimes its just needed just for the sake of maintaining one's sanity.
Yes, distance hurts and sometimes that is not easy to deal with. But when someone loves and cares about someone, it hurts them to an extend that love and care means nothing. Teaching a dangerous lesson - "What's the point of love, when no one cares?" It's a tough place to be, but once one has reached a place where distance grows too much, don't expect them to be around, some may still think about one and some may vow to never think about one ever again and then some may just keep moving forward just wondering what they have done. So know what kind of distance you have in life and understand it. But whatever you do, try not to apply old distance to new potential relationships but maintain that healthy distance, that good distance. Know where you stand and know where they stand and take it slow from there. As for the old, after a while it all becomes a part of your past and life goes one for you. So be good to yourself and peace.
In light of recent events, I've decided to distant myself from some people and leave them all alone for good. After a while, it's not worth the arguments, the disagreements, the mind games, the plotting and scheming, and lack of communication to even be call a healthy relationship. Over the years because of my background, I really don't allow myself to get attached to anyone easily. But in a heart beat I will be out of the picture if I sense I'm being left out, not trustworthy or basically just a person feeling less then "ideal" to have in someone's life. I don't appreciate being used or being a pawn. If in any manner I sense no one is telling me something, I will just easily walk away.
It is easy to walk away? No, it's not. I may not be the best in expression my emotions in person, for expression emotions growing up was seen as an negative and I learned in my early adulthood that it is healthy to express your emotions. When I talk to people, I; when I take time to listen and listen in silent, I care. When I don't raise my voice to be heard and someone shuts me down, to me that's not caring at all. That to me comes off as demeaning and being righteous. I learned early in my life that people who feel like blaming me for something that I had no control over or no "active" part in, usually need someone to blame or to call out and I'm usually that person.
I do not do yelling because I will take it as verbal abuse. If someone decides to yell at me over the phone because of a decision I made that they did not like, let me say not all decisions I make will be well-liked. I have morals and values instilled in me and I do not make decisions to please others. I will make a decision that will help set up a starting point for all involved and work from that point on. If no one wants to change how things are, they are bounded to avoid the decision made and continue to bicker. It's not about what is right or wrong, but what is best. But unfortunately, we live in a world where it comes down to the one question, "What about me?" instead of "How can we best move on to benefit all who are involved?" It cannot be one group vs. another group or one person vs. a group, it has to be a united front. Without the united front, all things are bound to fail miserably.
I can't work with people who force others to be friends or push them to like one another. The problem with that is, it will only create resentment in either one or the other or both to a certain degree. The more one pushes or forces, the more resentment is developed. The will to get to know the other person personally goes out the window. If two people are not naturally getting to know each other, obviously it ain't meant to be. However, if people respect each other and go about their own lives, leave it at that. No need to try to force someone to speak to you or someone you may know unless it's for work. When it comes to family, which can get tricky, all I will say is take the respect and leave it at that. If no one got anything to say or they are not entirely comfortable, leave it be and keep it moving. I know for me, if I am uncomfortable, I will gladly leave the room and go into another room or just go out for a walk. However, it's when something is deep, it usually has to to do truth and I have my own truth and everyone else has theirs. I will not argue my part or speak my part when I know the other person doesn't care to hear it. So why speak at all?
I know enough when I know I'm not wanted to be around. I know enough to know when I am not getting a good vibe at all, something is up. I know enough to keep my distance when things go deadly silence for no given reason. I know when it's time to pack up the bags and go. After a while, you just know something is up and when something is up, be it bad or good and it's unknown, my guards go up high regardless. I may not be the best communicator, but I try. But when it's nothing but voice mails and no return calls, why should I be comfortable with that? That is more of the reason why I just stop communicating. When it's an email and no response back - I'm talking more than a week pass- then two weeks then four and the days keep rolling by - why keep up communicating when it all one sided? The same amount of days that passes with using a phone, it really takes two to communicate, not just leaving it all for one person to all the talking. So for me to be comfortable calling someone or texting or even emailing or chatting - it all requires a response within a reasonable time frame. If its a once in a great while deal, I'm sorry I won't say much at all. Eventually, I just distant myself and when I do, I don't cross a river or an ocean to make anything work after doing it for a long time. I just won't.
So really, I've had my fair share of being shut out. I know as years passes by, people who wise up out of no where pop up to apologize and the problem with that is, they knew who I was and who I currently am and no matter what they may say, it won't make one bit of a difference. "Sorry" - just doesn't cut it with me anymore. I will say, if life is going good, good for you but leave me out of it. I know my part and my ability to communicate may be due to the fact that I don't interpret everything exactly as people want me to. It could be because of the wording they used and my brain has to process not only the sounds of words spoken but its order and if it doesn't "sound" right in my mind, people need to realize to make it simple so I won't have to work so hard at trying to decipher what is being said and getting angry. Yet, I think some people do it on purpose and just to get me angry. I avoid being angry at all cost for I would need a punching bag - no wait a kickboxing bag- to release that anger. Kick boxing has been my go-to when life got tough in college, but I haven't been to a bag in years and I miss it.
So I have had people complaint to me about all the "extra" work they had to put into repeating themselves and having to listen to my "broken" speech (which those who are close to me say my speech is fine including my current speech therapist) and how it's not only hard on me but it is on them. WOW! Really?! Mind you, these are words of naturally hearing folks. So yes, I've heard it from plenty and since I don't speak to them nor ask how they are doing. Again, I keep a distance. They say who you surround yourself with will determine the outcome of how your life is played out and it's true. If people treat you in a negative way and don't believe in you, you would then be forced to do a lot of things on your own and exhausted mentally, physically and emotionally because it's a you vs. the world deal. But when you start to meet people who appreciate you and respect you for who you are, things start to ease up in life a bit. You have that little support and as time moves on, that support grows and those who didn't help you nor benefit you start to fade away from you because you decided to keep going and moving forward. The beauty in life is there, sometimes it appears at the most unexpected times in life and sometimes we fail to see it.
Sometimes, in life when the truth is known to do more damage than good, it's better to know the truth then to live and die not knowing the truth. It'll almost be like dying in vain of a lie. Even if a lie is meant to protect, even it comes out eventually and the longer it goes on, the more it will hurt because then people will feel deceived. Trust is not a luxury to be lost. Once it is, there is no getting that trust back to the fullness. Once again - a distance is created. A distance develops over time when something is not right. When I say "right" I mean, when something feels out of place and there is a lack of connecting - a distance can grow from just that. As humans we have the need to be in constant contact with those we express care towards, but when one party decides to do something to jeopardize that care or abuse it in any kind of manner - that need to be in constant contact decreases drastically either on one or both sides. While, I understand life is busy - I also understand that it can be very short. So every time when someone delays or put off from checking up on family or friends, it's only one more little thing they are going be to left wishing they have done. We are not guaranteed tomorrow but we can make today count by adding meaning to it.
Distance is something that have developed in many different kinds of relationships. There is a good distance where communication is stable and predictable but respecting one or both parties spaces. Then there is your bad distance where communication gets spotty and the comfort level of making the effort to call, text, or email or even chat drops and nothing is really stable. The "bad" distance is usually when one feels neglected or forgotten about and if no one wants people to think that, then answer or response back to their messages. If someone took time out to contact you or to reach out to you in good faith, treat them with the same respect and care. If one side wants more and they are not getting what they want, but can't appreciate the little that they are even getting, there is no point to keep on. I appreciate a lot of folks and no, I may not always agree with them, but the bottom line is I show respect without having to sacrifice my self-respect, my morals or my values. But distance- sometimes its just needed just for the sake of maintaining one's sanity.
Yes, distance hurts and sometimes that is not easy to deal with. But when someone loves and cares about someone, it hurts them to an extend that love and care means nothing. Teaching a dangerous lesson - "What's the point of love, when no one cares?" It's a tough place to be, but once one has reached a place where distance grows too much, don't expect them to be around, some may still think about one and some may vow to never think about one ever again and then some may just keep moving forward just wondering what they have done. So know what kind of distance you have in life and understand it. But whatever you do, try not to apply old distance to new potential relationships but maintain that healthy distance, that good distance. Know where you stand and know where they stand and take it slow from there. As for the old, after a while it all becomes a part of your past and life goes one for you. So be good to yourself and peace.
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