Reflection: Hard knock of Life

It's about 7:30am as I type.  My day starts at 5:50am.  I'm up early because my son has to catch his bus at 7:14am.  Lets say, I understand for a kid that is too too early so I give him ample time to wake up and get dress, brush his teeth and hopefully enough time to eat breakfast.  If not, I take the cereal and put it in a snack bag and grab a bottled water and take it outside to eat/drink before the bus comes.  Mornings as a single parent can be stressful on the days where you are overly exhausted and it's quick and easy to get impatience and angry - hence it's normal to swear up a storm AFTER your kid gets on the bus.  Of course, for me I would follow up with yoga and some cardio workouts and I'm good.  I will admit this, I miss hitting and kicking the bag!

On the mornings where everything seems to be good, calm and smooth, I just count my blessings despite the hard times I deal with and the setbacks.  All I know is I gotta keep doing what I am doing.  I gotta keep moving forward and part of that may require forgiving others as I just want peace and harmony in my life.  If I feel like I cannot forgive someone, it will be due to the fact that they couldn't accept the fact that I was right all along and only to tell me way past time after I cut them off that I was.  This is because they finally understood I wasn't lying when it came to my situation and the situations of those who are struggling in so many different ways.  Its not only that, it would also be an attitude associated with it, an attitude that aligns with and "I know it all" when I explicitly pointed out that they really don't.  My thing is this, you may know of some of the things but never really experienced it yourself.  And if you never experienced it how can you say you understand or know what's it's like or how it feels or how it's being perceived by different individuals in the same situation.  I take in every single perspective of a situation and I try to see what will work and what won't.  That is how I am.  I could care less if someone who is older than me and tries to convince me other wise (I'm a rebel with a heart) because I can tell they never really had to go through it.  If they always had a roof over their heads, never had to worry about child services showing up, or being low on food or financial struggles that requires getting assistance (which for some it's a kick in the gut to have to turn to assistance after working hard for so many years),  or dealing with abuse of any kind or even plain starving, to me they did okay than most.  This is not to imply that their lives were perfect, but there are many different kinds of struggles that affect many but the struggles of those exposed to what I mentioned, it's not pretty at all nor is it something that can be easily solved.  It requires a multifaceted solution with multiple approaches.

I am kind and generous with my time because I understand hardships.  I don't ask for much nor do I require it.  There were times I just wished someone would just take time out to hear me out and just listen, instead of talking over me and assuming that I didn't want to do something.  And you know I don't like that feeling when someone gets on their high horse thinking they know it all, heard it all when they haven't really heard the full story or situation.  That feeling is demeaning and unworthy.  Those two feelings to someone who is going through something can push them into a direction one did not really intent to do, but indirectly did so.  Not having someone to believe in you or to listen to you is like living in a very dark world where the thoughts of ending life and being less of a "burden" to those around you, so that they may have peace.  Yet, many struggle with understanding how a person can come to that.  It's simple, when we get tired of listening to someone we tend to tell them the truth and sometimes the truth can be taken in a hard way or somewhere in the middle or in a calm manner.  When the truth gets taken in the hard way, it's because they know it and they don't know how to ask for help or if they are even going to get the help.  Some may decide the only solution is to end their life because they feel too overwhelmed to deal.  Some may contemplate it but never really follow through as they are at the same time trying to figure out by themselves what to do next because life doesn't go down like that, to them they know it has to get better, it just has to.

Some may know that they need professional help but don't know where to start or where to look, they don't want to be judge by those around them for seeing a counselor and/or a shrink.  I gotta say for those who judge those for seeking counseling or any form of professional help, you created a sigma with those professions labeling people as crazy or weak or unable or worst mentally unstable and retarded.  It takes a lot of courage for one to take that first step, that first step is vital for them to get their lives back on track and to not rely on others so much but to be able to cope better with life's challenges and to understand it's okay to get upset but to not let their emotions get the best of them.  There are those who struggle with their emotions and it's a challenge for them every single day, but they try to see the good and remember that everything is a process.

I've been in situations where I couldn't eat for a whole month while I was a teen.  Overtime, I became stressed out with school, I couldn't even keep up with my running and by the time I finished high school I was 114 pounds - I started out as 145 pound freshman varsity track and field runner and a good student.  But things at home were not going so well.  So overtime I had to learn how to survive off of whatever meal I got.  Most of the the time tea and toast with butter would hold me down.  My brothers got to eat more than me.  So when asked why I choose to go to school 500 miles away, I wanted out of home.  I started college as a freshman and got back to running Division III cross country at 115 pounds and by the end of the season I not only improved in my time but I gained back my muscle weight.  I got my time down to 23:45 for my 5K race time.  My freshman year was good to me.  When my mother asked me to come home, I said, "WHY?" and she goes, "I can't tell over the phone."  Now, mind you, I didn't have a normal mother/daughter relationship.  But I didn't like my stepfather who was always on my mother about me eating their food when I should pay. Yeah, an ASSHOLE.   I never really liked him so much, not even in the beginning.  My mother knew this.  So while I'm in my second year, third semester, I decided to make a much needed appointment with my eye specialist in Croton-on-Husdon, NY to get out of school for a few days to find out what's up.  My mother was happy to see me but I could sense something was wrong.  The next day she treated me out to the Landmark and before we left to go their she got sentimental with me and that was new to me as she was curious as to what made me leave and how I took that big leap of faith to be so far away and be happy about it and of course more inquiring questions.  My response to her was pretty much I didn't want her life or the life I grew up with so I choose a path that would give me more opportunities and a chance at getting ahead in life.  I told her after watching her over the years through the good and the bad, her life could have been much better if she could have just realized she had it in her to do it.  Thing was, she knew this and she was very intelligent, very resourceful like myself but given how she came up she wanted to escaped life she faced so badly she went up against a lot.  I know why and I can see why, given the time period she came up in and how extremely strict my grandma was with her (my grandma didn't play and those who know her know this very well).  So as we were sitting in the dinner, she brought up topics that were very inappropriate to discuss in public and left me to blush and to be honest, she got a kick out of that.  We shared a few laughs and talked.  So I said to her what was it that she couldn't tell me over the phone and she said she felt herself getting sicker and sicker.  I looked at her and I said, "Well you look like you lost some weight and your neck is looking a bit abnormal."  She said she didn't know what was wrong and that she being dealing with this growing bump for a while.  I looked at her and said, "Uh, why not go to the doctor to get it checked out?  A normal personal would do that especially if they are a parent."  Her response was, "I can't because (stepfather) refuse to pay for the co-pays on my medical visits so I never go and the fact I am petrified of needles."  First I looked at her kinda pissed and then I said, "Uh, why haven't you divorced the man? I mean he beat the living crap put of you, pushed you down what five or six flights of stairs then rushes down to stomp you in the face leaving a boot print, he controls the money, I practically starved because I was "too old" to be feed for "free" that I should start paying rent and parts of the bill so he can have all the money to himself?  I mean seriously, you have not really been well for a few years.  You smoke more, you don't go out anymore, you get paranoid about family members and it's like you're not you."  My mother was silent for a bit because I spoke the truth and I could understand that.  So I asked her, "What do you want from me?"  Knowing what her answer was gonna be, I was kinda like "Dammit".  She basically wanted me to come back home to help her out with the medical.  The only thing I asked of her was to help me find a school that I can get into and finish up my two year degree and I'll get myself a part-time job since I'm gonna need to pay for my bus passport and my own meals.  What I didn't know was I would end up with two part-time jobs plus a full student course load and having to pay for part of my financial aid out of pocket, hence I struggled to get even one meal in a day.  It didn't catch up to me until one day I collapsed in the Academic Office and I learned I had a 104 temperature.  By the time I got to my doctor my temp shot up to 107.  I was fighting off an infection and so I had to rest for four days.   During my four days rest and by this time my mom had just started her chemo, my stepfather was bitching and moaning about how I was "faking" and just didn't want to do anything - seriously if I had the strength I would have tackled him and beat the crap out of him just for being inhuman.  Plus I had doctor's orders to rest, right on paper.  But that didn't mean a thing.  Let say eventually I ended up cornering him with a butchers knife and pretty much gave him a little taste of fear and a piece of my mind and NO don't push me to that point because I know where that road will lead.

Any who, I continued school and working and had to deal with my stepfather's threatening notes and all (which ended after I had cornered him).  When my mother passed he was set on kicking me out, so I scrambled to find someplace to live until I finished my final quarter.  I gotta give due credit to The Gilchrest Family for stepping up because really without their help and support I probably wouldn't have gotten very far.  I graduated that same year I lost my mother with my associates degree Magna Cum Laude from The College of Westchester and with honors.  Yes, even through the hell of it all I managed to make the President's and Dean's lists.  But I was so drained and tired that by the time I transferred to the four year state school, I just broke down and lost it.  I just couldn't focus or make sense of anything.  Eventually, I had to learn to find myself again after my mother, it wasn't an easy road for someone who had just turned 21 to lose their mother three months later.  I dealt with the jealousy of my friends being able to have their moms around and dads too, but eventually I said to myself, at least they have parents who know how to take care of themselves and do what's best for the family as a whole.  They may not be perfect but at least they know what is important.

You see, in life we all have our limits and we only tolerate as much as we can.  Sometimes, life will get messy but you gotta keep in mind of the good and the future.  The one thing that kept me from seriously hurting that man was the fact that I knew the consequences and it wouldn't have been worth it.  Anyone else, yeah after reading this I wouldn't be surprised if they felt the same.  I've been around substances abuse, domestic violence, child services, food pantry, you name it.  I was almost removed from my grandma's house twice due to my mother coming home drunk or beaten up or whatever the state she was in.  My brother may not remember, but I do.  So yeah, I've experienced a lot. I am able to say this, I will never ever jeopardize my future nor stay in a situation that I know will not end well.  So if I walk away, I walk away because I know how short life can be and some things are just not worth it.  With the help of counselors, my supervisors and more, so many more, I wouldn't have survived much of what I went through.  If you have known me and had me under your wings at one point or another know this, whether you were aware or not, I still looked up to all of you.  I admire the professionalism and the drive I witnessed in those who went after what they wanted but showed hard work and commitment in what they did.  I didn't have that to look up to at home, so whether you wonder if you have made an impact on someone's life or not, just know you have.  I write this because I know struggles and I understand the battles and choices that are available - which aren't very many to be honest.  Some choices are so demeaning it's inhuman.

Yes, life is a hard knock of life.  If I was able to put into word what I am writing now then, maybe I would have spoken up but when you go through so much at once, yeah its gonna take a while to rebuild and renew yourself in a much stronger and better version.  Am I sorry for the life I dealt with?  No, otherwise I wouldn't be the person I am today.  Of course there's always more in my story and in the story of others, but you only get a glimpse of the lives of those who feel comfortable to share a dark time or times in their lives.  Home will always be home but home only went with me wherever I was because I needed a change and peace in my life.  Drama - don't even start because that is something people start up for no reason to get attention and wonder's why it backfires.  But real life wise, drama is anything but.  So I am grateful for all the wonderful people I know and thank you for just being there and for just believing in me when I faced a host of challenges.  And no I don't forget.