A Fresh Start: It's time to rebuild
I think in the last few days I have been forced to confront a lot. A part of me was trying to keep it all in, while the other part just couldn't continue on with living life in an unhappy and unhealthy way. I couldn't start this New Year pretending everything was alright. I couldn't start this New Year with secrets. I couldn't start this New Year with a guilty conscious. I just couldn't.
I spent the earlier part of my week not really sleeping, not really eating and just emotionally upset and fed up. Granted, I probably lost a few pounds but it'll come back eventually. For now, it's time to rid myself of these old feelings and instead of focusing on a situation that I tried to keep myself together for, the focus will shift to officially starting the healing process for myself.
Over the years, I gave up the ability to ever get close, to feel, to welcome a new love. I had a rough time dealing with a love that I've never felt before, a love I never experienced before, a love that hit my core so hard that when things went downhill, I shut down. I grew numb to remain neutral and objective. I grew numb to maintain a distance. I grew numb all around. I felt used, I felt unwanted, I felt unheard, I felt unworthy. My heart at that moment and at that time felt like it was under constant attacks, making it feel defenseless. Like nothing I said, that I really meant, mattered anymore. It was worthless. I felt worthless. I blamed myself for all of it, never really truly being able to forgive myself. So it was easier to love from a distance, to hug from a distance, to care from a distance. It was my way of protecting my heart from being hurt over and over again. It was my way of saying, "I can't do it anymore."
My heart did harden, but it never stopped caring. Yes, it was and still is hard for me to really express myself emotionally and sometimes I kick myself in the behind because I'm am a single mom who loves her little boy very much that the idea of something happening to him would really put an end to me but I struggle to express at times the love I hold for him. It's no easy task to express myself under the circumstances I was faced with. I held back a lot to keep the peace. A LOT. When I was talking to one of my best friends last night I said, "It feels like my heart weights a ton. When I try to breathe it feels like I'm in a choke hold." When I feel deeply, I just want to cry for hours because it's a hurt that enough to mimic a heart attack. It's a hurt that enough to break you in the manner of never truly being yourself. A hurt that steals the imagination, the hopes, the dreams and even destroy a little bit of the faith you hold onto. It's that kind of hurt that one feels extremely deeply that it won't be worth waking up the next day. The hurt where one would feel less like a burden, less of the blame, less of everything - the solution being deadly. I cannot tell you how many times I've been there. I cannot tell you how many times as a new mother with a newborn, I wanted to leave a note and just be gone from this life. I cannot tell you how difficult it was to be in my shoes.
I had to have an in-house counselor to visit me at home three times a week throughout my pregnancy and the first two years of my son's life. I had an outpatient counselor I had to see two times a week plus a psychiatrist at least once every two weeks. I suffered from sever depression during my pregnancy and then postpartum depression which of course didn't seem to matter. I was yet still to blame. I was yet the fault of everything that went wrong. I was willing to talk things out and to move forward in a positive direction, but I was met with more disagreements, more blame, more anger. Oh, how I tried!
What hurt more were the lies, the assumptions, the one-sided versions of everything. Not one word was able to come out from me. If I spoke, I got cut off. So of course, for every moment and time I felt cut off and unheard, it stayed inside me for a very, very long time. It ate at me. It cost me my ability to sleep for quite a few years on my own. It cost me my health and it cost me my ability to really focus on completing my education. It all came with a high price. Yet, I kept getting back up and trying again, each and every time. Only very few who were around me during that time, saw what I was going through first hand. To be honest, they were really truly my life savers. For that, oh, I'm forever grateful to them. I really am.
It's a miracle for me to still be standing today. I came a long way from those dark and hard times and I will admit I didn't think I would actually survive through it. Each day, it just felt like I just died a little each day. And each day, it felt like nothing mattered, like I was marked to never really have a healthy and real relationship. I felt like I was just a pretty face, nice body but filled with miscommunication and "issues" that were all misunderstood. I felt cheated at times because I knew something was said and when I went to ask for a repeat it became another statement, not the same sentence based off of how it sounded to me. Being hard of hearing, isn't something that will always be easy to deal with, but people will take advantage of it for their own benefits and once you realize that, it's an added insult and added hurt. Sometimes, even I am left questioning, "WHY?" It's a real struggle.
I believe it is time for me to really just stay to myself and leave my situation alone for a good long while. It took a lot out of me and this year will be different. It's time that I face the honest truth and deal with the honest reality. I may not be where I want to be, but God has me right where he needs me. So it is time that I let go and it is time that I put my foot down and stand up for myself. It is time for me to find myself again. It is time for me to be a better version of myself. No secrets, no lies, and no assumptions. That's not going to be my life anymore. I will live my life to be honest and truthful with not only myself but those all around me. I don't care if my honesty backfires on me, my character matters more to me than my reputation. I have a conscious and a heart that cares and no one, not even myself, should have to live in some form of darkness. It's time to start the releasing process and it won't be done and over with, but it will take some time. When that is done, I will move on to the next process and the next until I am rebuilt back up. It may take the whole year or it could take five, but as long as I am working on myself without issues coming up or distractions, I will be alright.
I hurt because I really tried to hang in there and I really tried to keep it together but it was all taking a toll on me and I just couldn't keep on living like this. It wasn't fair and it will never be. Life isn't always gonna be fair, but I already know that. Sometimes, the heart of the person goes the distance to give one chance after chance, but sooner or later, that heart will give out and when it does, it will never devote itself like that again. Not for a good long time.
There have been tears shed and probably more to come. But I made a mistake and I owed up to it. I'm not proud of what I have done, but I learned my lesson. It wasn't worth it. It seems like nothing I did was good enough and appreciated. But you know what, that's okay, at least I know I tried on my part, at least I know what's real. At least I know where I stand. At least I know I'm not living a false life.
I apologize if I started this New Year off with some depression blogs, however, sometimes one needs to find a release to be heard in some way. Sometimes in order to move forward and create pieces on a lighter side, one needs to clear out the darkness and the underlying issues. Sometimes one just needs space to calm down and rethink things over. However, I will say this, I do have plans and goals that I will be working on this year. It is my hope, that I will be able to complete them before the year's end.
If you or anyone you know suffer from any form of depression, know there is help available. Don't ever feel ashame for having to have a counselor, a shrink or any mental health professional specialist to help you through your rough times. They are there for a reason and they are there to help you. Consider them that extra lifeline because sometimes you just need a third party to talk to. Having a wonderful small close knit of friends who support you is great but even they need to have a break from time to time, but they let you know that if you ever need anything or need to talk, they will be there. They just can't help you in the same manner that a professional can. Keep that in mind. Life is too precious and it's too short, but we gotta try to fight for the good in life to make it count. So don't give up, just hang in there. Start with yourself first this New Year and just go from there. Everyone else will be fine, the world isn't gonna end without you or them. That is the advice I was reminded of by one of my best friends and it was a piece of advice I have given a long time ago to someone I knew. It's easy to get lost in a lot, but once one starts to become aware, it becomes a crossroad decision to make. Let say, it's never the decision type you want to make, but it becomes one that you have to make for yourself and your well-being. It becomes a decision that could change the course of everything. It becomes that decision where you finally decide where you stand in everything. It is that decision to free yourself from whatever it is to being able to move forward. It is that decision where you are willing to accept the backlash and start the process of rebuilding yourself. Depending upon the circumstances and number of people involved, you know with a clear conscious it won't be fair to some and to some it will hurt and to some it will anger. All one could hope for and pray for is forgiveness and peace. But more importantly the ability to forgive oneself. For me, I got to forgive myself and it may not be today, but one of these days I will. It's all a process.
I spent the earlier part of my week not really sleeping, not really eating and just emotionally upset and fed up. Granted, I probably lost a few pounds but it'll come back eventually. For now, it's time to rid myself of these old feelings and instead of focusing on a situation that I tried to keep myself together for, the focus will shift to officially starting the healing process for myself.
Over the years, I gave up the ability to ever get close, to feel, to welcome a new love. I had a rough time dealing with a love that I've never felt before, a love I never experienced before, a love that hit my core so hard that when things went downhill, I shut down. I grew numb to remain neutral and objective. I grew numb to maintain a distance. I grew numb all around. I felt used, I felt unwanted, I felt unheard, I felt unworthy. My heart at that moment and at that time felt like it was under constant attacks, making it feel defenseless. Like nothing I said, that I really meant, mattered anymore. It was worthless. I felt worthless. I blamed myself for all of it, never really truly being able to forgive myself. So it was easier to love from a distance, to hug from a distance, to care from a distance. It was my way of protecting my heart from being hurt over and over again. It was my way of saying, "I can't do it anymore."
My heart did harden, but it never stopped caring. Yes, it was and still is hard for me to really express myself emotionally and sometimes I kick myself in the behind because I'm am a single mom who loves her little boy very much that the idea of something happening to him would really put an end to me but I struggle to express at times the love I hold for him. It's no easy task to express myself under the circumstances I was faced with. I held back a lot to keep the peace. A LOT. When I was talking to one of my best friends last night I said, "It feels like my heart weights a ton. When I try to breathe it feels like I'm in a choke hold." When I feel deeply, I just want to cry for hours because it's a hurt that enough to mimic a heart attack. It's a hurt that enough to break you in the manner of never truly being yourself. A hurt that steals the imagination, the hopes, the dreams and even destroy a little bit of the faith you hold onto. It's that kind of hurt that one feels extremely deeply that it won't be worth waking up the next day. The hurt where one would feel less like a burden, less of the blame, less of everything - the solution being deadly. I cannot tell you how many times I've been there. I cannot tell you how many times as a new mother with a newborn, I wanted to leave a note and just be gone from this life. I cannot tell you how difficult it was to be in my shoes.
I had to have an in-house counselor to visit me at home three times a week throughout my pregnancy and the first two years of my son's life. I had an outpatient counselor I had to see two times a week plus a psychiatrist at least once every two weeks. I suffered from sever depression during my pregnancy and then postpartum depression which of course didn't seem to matter. I was yet still to blame. I was yet the fault of everything that went wrong. I was willing to talk things out and to move forward in a positive direction, but I was met with more disagreements, more blame, more anger. Oh, how I tried!
What hurt more were the lies, the assumptions, the one-sided versions of everything. Not one word was able to come out from me. If I spoke, I got cut off. So of course, for every moment and time I felt cut off and unheard, it stayed inside me for a very, very long time. It ate at me. It cost me my ability to sleep for quite a few years on my own. It cost me my health and it cost me my ability to really focus on completing my education. It all came with a high price. Yet, I kept getting back up and trying again, each and every time. Only very few who were around me during that time, saw what I was going through first hand. To be honest, they were really truly my life savers. For that, oh, I'm forever grateful to them. I really am.
It's a miracle for me to still be standing today. I came a long way from those dark and hard times and I will admit I didn't think I would actually survive through it. Each day, it just felt like I just died a little each day. And each day, it felt like nothing mattered, like I was marked to never really have a healthy and real relationship. I felt like I was just a pretty face, nice body but filled with miscommunication and "issues" that were all misunderstood. I felt cheated at times because I knew something was said and when I went to ask for a repeat it became another statement, not the same sentence based off of how it sounded to me. Being hard of hearing, isn't something that will always be easy to deal with, but people will take advantage of it for their own benefits and once you realize that, it's an added insult and added hurt. Sometimes, even I am left questioning, "WHY?" It's a real struggle.
I believe it is time for me to really just stay to myself and leave my situation alone for a good long while. It took a lot out of me and this year will be different. It's time that I face the honest truth and deal with the honest reality. I may not be where I want to be, but God has me right where he needs me. So it is time that I let go and it is time that I put my foot down and stand up for myself. It is time for me to find myself again. It is time for me to be a better version of myself. No secrets, no lies, and no assumptions. That's not going to be my life anymore. I will live my life to be honest and truthful with not only myself but those all around me. I don't care if my honesty backfires on me, my character matters more to me than my reputation. I have a conscious and a heart that cares and no one, not even myself, should have to live in some form of darkness. It's time to start the releasing process and it won't be done and over with, but it will take some time. When that is done, I will move on to the next process and the next until I am rebuilt back up. It may take the whole year or it could take five, but as long as I am working on myself without issues coming up or distractions, I will be alright.
I hurt because I really tried to hang in there and I really tried to keep it together but it was all taking a toll on me and I just couldn't keep on living like this. It wasn't fair and it will never be. Life isn't always gonna be fair, but I already know that. Sometimes, the heart of the person goes the distance to give one chance after chance, but sooner or later, that heart will give out and when it does, it will never devote itself like that again. Not for a good long time.
There have been tears shed and probably more to come. But I made a mistake and I owed up to it. I'm not proud of what I have done, but I learned my lesson. It wasn't worth it. It seems like nothing I did was good enough and appreciated. But you know what, that's okay, at least I know I tried on my part, at least I know what's real. At least I know where I stand. At least I know I'm not living a false life.
I apologize if I started this New Year off with some depression blogs, however, sometimes one needs to find a release to be heard in some way. Sometimes in order to move forward and create pieces on a lighter side, one needs to clear out the darkness and the underlying issues. Sometimes one just needs space to calm down and rethink things over. However, I will say this, I do have plans and goals that I will be working on this year. It is my hope, that I will be able to complete them before the year's end.
If you or anyone you know suffer from any form of depression, know there is help available. Don't ever feel ashame for having to have a counselor, a shrink or any mental health professional specialist to help you through your rough times. They are there for a reason and they are there to help you. Consider them that extra lifeline because sometimes you just need a third party to talk to. Having a wonderful small close knit of friends who support you is great but even they need to have a break from time to time, but they let you know that if you ever need anything or need to talk, they will be there. They just can't help you in the same manner that a professional can. Keep that in mind. Life is too precious and it's too short, but we gotta try to fight for the good in life to make it count. So don't give up, just hang in there. Start with yourself first this New Year and just go from there. Everyone else will be fine, the world isn't gonna end without you or them. That is the advice I was reminded of by one of my best friends and it was a piece of advice I have given a long time ago to someone I knew. It's easy to get lost in a lot, but once one starts to become aware, it becomes a crossroad decision to make. Let say, it's never the decision type you want to make, but it becomes one that you have to make for yourself and your well-being. It becomes a decision that could change the course of everything. It becomes that decision where you finally decide where you stand in everything. It is that decision to free yourself from whatever it is to being able to move forward. It is that decision where you are willing to accept the backlash and start the process of rebuilding yourself. Depending upon the circumstances and number of people involved, you know with a clear conscious it won't be fair to some and to some it will hurt and to some it will anger. All one could hope for and pray for is forgiveness and peace. But more importantly the ability to forgive oneself. For me, I got to forgive myself and it may not be today, but one of these days I will. It's all a process.
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