Coping with Loss and Life
On January 4th, 2015, it marked officially ten years since my mother passes from head and neck cancer. However, to be honest, it doesn't even feel like it has been ten years.
Over the past year alone, I have learned of love one's losing their love ones and followed them through their ups and downs on how they were coping. What I learned, no matter what kind of loss one may suffer through or from, any kind of loss will leave some kind of a lingering ache, a lingering hole and lingering "I wish" moments. For those who use "get over it" or "move on" or "let it go", they don't understand the kind of impact an individual may have left on the one who is grieving. They don't understand or know the kind of relationship that may have existed. They really just don't know. So yes, it would be considered cold and inhumane to use such three statements towards someone who is in grieving mode. There really is no time limit on grieving. There really is no one way to grieve. Every individual is entitled to grieve in their own way. Every individual will learn to find a way to move forward without their love one's present, but it will not always be easy.
My intention isn't to start this New Year or any New Year with a gloom outlook or feeling, but to remind people that while we may be at the start of a New Year, be compassionate, be understanding and just try to remember that we are all human beings with a conscious, a heart and a soul. If you injured one of those with words and actions, you may not even know just how powerful your words and/or your actions may have on old or even opened newly healed wounds. When old or newly healed wounds are reopened, a flood gate of old emotions rushes out. Every moment, every memory, everything.
For one to truly heal, they got to talk it out, work it out and cry it out. Most importantly, they expect the ones near them to be understanding and compassionate but aware that at times they will have their good and bad days. I find it harden when someone says "let it go" or "get over it" or "move on". It comes off wrong. If anyone I may have known have ever said that to me and down the line they loss someone they truly did care about and vented about how people don't understand their loss or how deep their pain goes, keep in mind those words have a way of making a full circle back, but I would never really say any of those three statements to anyone for I have suffered from loss in more ways than one. And to say, loss can and does changes a person's outlook on life. It can either go into full negative and darkness or it can go more into the positive of appreciating life more and those around you. The one thing I know, we are not always guaranteed to wake up the next day, but if and when we do wake up, we should be thankful for it. And if we wake up to knowing the ones we hold dear to our hearts are still here with us, that is double the blessing in itself. And if anything, we try our best to make the most out of it. To keep it honest, clean, respectful and peaceful. No secrets, no lies, no scheming, no plotting. Just keep it straight-forward and trust-worthy. Anyone with a conscious would not want to live in secret, they would rather live out loud and honest. Even if being honest may bring major backlash, it's their character that matters more than their reputation. The truth may hurt like hell, and it may hurt for a while but at least that individual can come face to face to their own mistakes and start working on learning how to forgive themselves.
Healing is a process. Learning is a process. Helping is a process. Working on a project is a process. Every aspect of life goes through some kind of process and process requires time and patience. Time and Patience is never really truly easy to have or to even deal with. In today's times, due to technology, we just want things to go away as soon as possible, but life doesn't work like that. No matter how hard one may push back, push back and push back, whatever it is that one doesn't want to accept or deal with, it will find a way to push back at them harder and harder until they must face whatever it is and actually deal with it. Loss, comes in many different forms and sometimes it may be blessing and other times it just may not be the case at all. It all depends on the circumstances and the people involved. It also depends on a personal level.
So if you know someone who is struggling and you can't be around them, be kind and let them know that you will always be there for them, but break it to them gently to let them know that you understand and you don't know how to help them through their difficult time and that you wish that you can. You wish that you could relate and you wish that there was a way to ease their pains. Let them know that you love them and you want nothing but the best for them. Give them a big hug and let them know everything will be alright. It may not be alright presently but eventually it will be alright. All we can really do is rely on time and faith to get us through. This can be hard for some to process because the heart is hurting beyond what one is used to, but given the time and space, they will eventually come around. Just not when everyone wants them to come around. Life itself has a natural order of things and some things cannot be pushed or hurried. If pushed or hurried, no one really heals or things don't really stick together well, leaving it all bounded to fall apart rather than come together as a whole with no gaps, no open wounds, no pain.
I've had a rough start to the New Year and I have no intention of hurting anyone or anything. I was told to let go, and so I did, just not in the manner one would have expected. It hurt like hell but I'll live as I always have. Not everything will appear to be what one may think it is. Not everything will seems to be what it is. We want to believe in something so much that we fail ourselves for ignoring red flags. However, in due time, when I am done processing and dealing with this, it is my hope that I can finally forgive myself after years of not really doing so. I think I've suffered myself long enough and it's time for me to recover and rebuild. It won't be easy, but my heart needs to heal from the core as it feels like it has a choke hold on me and I can't breathe. There may be more tears to be shed, more thoughts to be processed and kicked to the curb, but more importantly, it's time to start the healing process for me.
If you have something you've been holding in or back for so long, I understand. I also understand some things are not that easy to really let go. But it's a hard process, not one that you just take the first step, you have to actually MAKE it to that first step and MAKE that climb back up. You have to break the chains. It will require mental and emotional strengths but it will also require psychological strengths as well. While I have done counseling in the past, I am considering going back and to really work on myself this time instead of my situations. There's nothing wrong with seeking counseling, sometimes just talking things out and getting another perspective can help see things a little bit clearly and expand your options. No, life isn't going to treat us fair, but all we can to is try to make each moment count not only for ourselves but for those whom we come into contact with. Lets try to live our lives in truth and light. Lets try to understand and know where people stand and not assume anything. Lets try to keep things light and hearty. Lets try to forgive and learn. Lets try to be kind and respectful even when in disagreement. Lets try to be real and down to earth. All we can do is really TRY. For each step taken forward, be it small or big, is a step closer to becoming a better version of yourself. Set-backs will happen, but pay attention to the why and learn from it. For every set back lies a lesson in it that we must learn before we get to the next step. If we don't learn from those set-backs, life will feel stuck in the ruts. So think about it. I know I am. Peace.
Over the past year alone, I have learned of love one's losing their love ones and followed them through their ups and downs on how they were coping. What I learned, no matter what kind of loss one may suffer through or from, any kind of loss will leave some kind of a lingering ache, a lingering hole and lingering "I wish" moments. For those who use "get over it" or "move on" or "let it go", they don't understand the kind of impact an individual may have left on the one who is grieving. They don't understand or know the kind of relationship that may have existed. They really just don't know. So yes, it would be considered cold and inhumane to use such three statements towards someone who is in grieving mode. There really is no time limit on grieving. There really is no one way to grieve. Every individual is entitled to grieve in their own way. Every individual will learn to find a way to move forward without their love one's present, but it will not always be easy.
My intention isn't to start this New Year or any New Year with a gloom outlook or feeling, but to remind people that while we may be at the start of a New Year, be compassionate, be understanding and just try to remember that we are all human beings with a conscious, a heart and a soul. If you injured one of those with words and actions, you may not even know just how powerful your words and/or your actions may have on old or even opened newly healed wounds. When old or newly healed wounds are reopened, a flood gate of old emotions rushes out. Every moment, every memory, everything.
For one to truly heal, they got to talk it out, work it out and cry it out. Most importantly, they expect the ones near them to be understanding and compassionate but aware that at times they will have their good and bad days. I find it harden when someone says "let it go" or "get over it" or "move on". It comes off wrong. If anyone I may have known have ever said that to me and down the line they loss someone they truly did care about and vented about how people don't understand their loss or how deep their pain goes, keep in mind those words have a way of making a full circle back, but I would never really say any of those three statements to anyone for I have suffered from loss in more ways than one. And to say, loss can and does changes a person's outlook on life. It can either go into full negative and darkness or it can go more into the positive of appreciating life more and those around you. The one thing I know, we are not always guaranteed to wake up the next day, but if and when we do wake up, we should be thankful for it. And if we wake up to knowing the ones we hold dear to our hearts are still here with us, that is double the blessing in itself. And if anything, we try our best to make the most out of it. To keep it honest, clean, respectful and peaceful. No secrets, no lies, no scheming, no plotting. Just keep it straight-forward and trust-worthy. Anyone with a conscious would not want to live in secret, they would rather live out loud and honest. Even if being honest may bring major backlash, it's their character that matters more than their reputation. The truth may hurt like hell, and it may hurt for a while but at least that individual can come face to face to their own mistakes and start working on learning how to forgive themselves.Healing is a process. Learning is a process. Helping is a process. Working on a project is a process. Every aspect of life goes through some kind of process and process requires time and patience. Time and Patience is never really truly easy to have or to even deal with. In today's times, due to technology, we just want things to go away as soon as possible, but life doesn't work like that. No matter how hard one may push back, push back and push back, whatever it is that one doesn't want to accept or deal with, it will find a way to push back at them harder and harder until they must face whatever it is and actually deal with it. Loss, comes in many different forms and sometimes it may be blessing and other times it just may not be the case at all. It all depends on the circumstances and the people involved. It also depends on a personal level.
So if you know someone who is struggling and you can't be around them, be kind and let them know that you will always be there for them, but break it to them gently to let them know that you understand and you don't know how to help them through their difficult time and that you wish that you can. You wish that you could relate and you wish that there was a way to ease their pains. Let them know that you love them and you want nothing but the best for them. Give them a big hug and let them know everything will be alright. It may not be alright presently but eventually it will be alright. All we can really do is rely on time and faith to get us through. This can be hard for some to process because the heart is hurting beyond what one is used to, but given the time and space, they will eventually come around. Just not when everyone wants them to come around. Life itself has a natural order of things and some things cannot be pushed or hurried. If pushed or hurried, no one really heals or things don't really stick together well, leaving it all bounded to fall apart rather than come together as a whole with no gaps, no open wounds, no pain.
I've had a rough start to the New Year and I have no intention of hurting anyone or anything. I was told to let go, and so I did, just not in the manner one would have expected. It hurt like hell but I'll live as I always have. Not everything will appear to be what one may think it is. Not everything will seems to be what it is. We want to believe in something so much that we fail ourselves for ignoring red flags. However, in due time, when I am done processing and dealing with this, it is my hope that I can finally forgive myself after years of not really doing so. I think I've suffered myself long enough and it's time for me to recover and rebuild. It won't be easy, but my heart needs to heal from the core as it feels like it has a choke hold on me and I can't breathe. There may be more tears to be shed, more thoughts to be processed and kicked to the curb, but more importantly, it's time to start the healing process for me.
If you have something you've been holding in or back for so long, I understand. I also understand some things are not that easy to really let go. But it's a hard process, not one that you just take the first step, you have to actually MAKE it to that first step and MAKE that climb back up. You have to break the chains. It will require mental and emotional strengths but it will also require psychological strengths as well. While I have done counseling in the past, I am considering going back and to really work on myself this time instead of my situations. There's nothing wrong with seeking counseling, sometimes just talking things out and getting another perspective can help see things a little bit clearly and expand your options. No, life isn't going to treat us fair, but all we can to is try to make each moment count not only for ourselves but for those whom we come into contact with. Lets try to live our lives in truth and light. Lets try to understand and know where people stand and not assume anything. Lets try to keep things light and hearty. Lets try to forgive and learn. Lets try to be kind and respectful even when in disagreement. Lets try to be real and down to earth. All we can do is really TRY. For each step taken forward, be it small or big, is a step closer to becoming a better version of yourself. Set-backs will happen, but pay attention to the why and learn from it. For every set back lies a lesson in it that we must learn before we get to the next step. If we don't learn from those set-backs, life will feel stuck in the ruts. So think about it. I know I am. Peace.
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