It's been a while....
I have been extremely busy with a lot! I missed writing and blogging!
My schedule has been so full with certification classes, meetings, interviews (jobs and local newspaper), legal and personal issues. I can say I've been running on E for a very long time that I'm just "Go, Go, Go!"
I finally was able to block out three days to camp with my son and close friends. It was much needed! We hiked to the Bear Caves, when through some of them, climbed rocks that were millions and millions years old, watched the meteor shower, grilled steaks, made a vegetable stir-fry, played music around the campfire and had s'mores! Swimming, boat paddling and beach time! It was something we all needed after working so hard to advance our careers, educational, mental and spiritual beings. It was something I know I needed because I had to seriously sort through a lot of things that were weighting heavy on my mind and my heart.
As I move forward into the fall month, I will be once again busy as usual but with one job as an on-call Child Care Worker and another job which will soon be my day time PT job. So yes, I will be returning to working two jobs and potentially three- seeing I got some major expenses coming up down the road. So I'm honestly not gonna be in the mood to hear anyone's concerns about overdoing it. This is my reality and no I won't complain about it. I will build my work around my son's schedule so that I will be home and that I can help him with his homework, take him to his appointments and anything else that he may need.
There is really no "break" from parenting. Your mind is still thinking about your child and you hope that they are doing well. You plan out dinner in advanced during the day and while working you are also thinking about the needs of your child. It's nonstop thinking. But when evening comes and my son is asleep, I'm by myself, I breathe and then I write out my thoughts. That is my me time. I check in with myself late at night just to write in my journal. And you know what? That is just fine. I'm not into going out these days anymore. I'm more of a homebody these days and that is okay too! When the weather is nice and I have an off day from work, I will go for a walk or a bike ride. Along the way, if I see my neighbors in the surrounding neighborhoods, I will stop and talk with them. Most of them are parents or grandparents of children who attend the local elementary school and it's nice. That is what I consider to be my "break". There's no one "right" way of having a so-called "break". Do I sleep late when I have nothing to do? It depends on what's on my to-do list that needs to be done. If I don't have a to-do list then I don't wake up - I sleep in for an extra hour or two at most. I still naturally wake up at 5:30am every morning. This is a former night-owl and now not really a morning person - but slowly getting there.
I'm still doing my duties as social media manager for my non-profit group and just stepped into doing some PR as well. It is a lot of work but I enjoy it as it is a learning experience for me. I will also be picking up with volunteering again at my son's school. This year I ain't playing.
In the mist of my hectic life, I am grateful. I still have a roof over my head and food to put on the table. I got an awesome support system and people who understand me. Don't worry about me not noticing the small stuff, trust me I do. I just appreciate things in a different manner and perspective. While it may seem that I don't seem to notice the small things, oh I do, I just take it all in silently because not everything needs words, sometimes silence is enough to speak for itself. I will say I got a lot of things to work through on my end and going to do my best to be proactive and positive - but there are some things that still bug the heck out of me and I know I cannot be around certain people for that very reason let alone speak to them. It'll probably be a long while, but I have no expectations at all. None. I'm just there and nothing more. I'll be invisible and out of sight and keeping my distant because at this moment and time, I just don't care anymore. I'm loyal and honest - but push me pass my boundaries - I'm seriously DONE. And that is where I am at. I may have a whole lot to say but it's no longer worth saying anymore. It'll just be a repeat and I'm not going back down that road ever again. So I'll be working with a counselor again and going that route as I really need to vent out a host of issues after everything that has went on. I won't discuss them in my blogs, but when I get past this experience and I have wrapped my head around it all, I will be able to better approach the one aspect of my life in a positive manner because I know I need to- right now I'm still fuming pissed off but I won't show it.
It's just a lot of stuff I had to hear that had my jaw dropped to the ground and left me with more questions then answers. And as for answers, I know I'm never gonna get a clear one and that bugs me as well. I have a lot of WHY questions, but I'm speechless at the same time because I honestly don't know what to believe anymore. Some things I can't even believed happened. Some things I'm just heartbroken and wondering, what in the world is going on? Some things I'm just still in a state of shock because I still can't see how things came out the way that they did. I feel like its all surreal because I didn't have time to deal with the first big blowout and the second one came out of nowhere. I've been praying for clarity, truths and more and still am. I can't stay mad but that feeling lingers because of everything I had to deal with and worrying what it would all mean. But I do know for sure, it would be the end for me. When one door closes, another opens.
My schedule has been so full with certification classes, meetings, interviews (jobs and local newspaper), legal and personal issues. I can say I've been running on E for a very long time that I'm just "Go, Go, Go!"
I finally was able to block out three days to camp with my son and close friends. It was much needed! We hiked to the Bear Caves, when through some of them, climbed rocks that were millions and millions years old, watched the meteor shower, grilled steaks, made a vegetable stir-fry, played music around the campfire and had s'mores! Swimming, boat paddling and beach time! It was something we all needed after working so hard to advance our careers, educational, mental and spiritual beings. It was something I know I needed because I had to seriously sort through a lot of things that were weighting heavy on my mind and my heart.
As I move forward into the fall month, I will be once again busy as usual but with one job as an on-call Child Care Worker and another job which will soon be my day time PT job. So yes, I will be returning to working two jobs and potentially three- seeing I got some major expenses coming up down the road. So I'm honestly not gonna be in the mood to hear anyone's concerns about overdoing it. This is my reality and no I won't complain about it. I will build my work around my son's schedule so that I will be home and that I can help him with his homework, take him to his appointments and anything else that he may need.
There is really no "break" from parenting. Your mind is still thinking about your child and you hope that they are doing well. You plan out dinner in advanced during the day and while working you are also thinking about the needs of your child. It's nonstop thinking. But when evening comes and my son is asleep, I'm by myself, I breathe and then I write out my thoughts. That is my me time. I check in with myself late at night just to write in my journal. And you know what? That is just fine. I'm not into going out these days anymore. I'm more of a homebody these days and that is okay too! When the weather is nice and I have an off day from work, I will go for a walk or a bike ride. Along the way, if I see my neighbors in the surrounding neighborhoods, I will stop and talk with them. Most of them are parents or grandparents of children who attend the local elementary school and it's nice. That is what I consider to be my "break". There's no one "right" way of having a so-called "break". Do I sleep late when I have nothing to do? It depends on what's on my to-do list that needs to be done. If I don't have a to-do list then I don't wake up - I sleep in for an extra hour or two at most. I still naturally wake up at 5:30am every morning. This is a former night-owl and now not really a morning person - but slowly getting there.
I'm still doing my duties as social media manager for my non-profit group and just stepped into doing some PR as well. It is a lot of work but I enjoy it as it is a learning experience for me. I will also be picking up with volunteering again at my son's school. This year I ain't playing.
In the mist of my hectic life, I am grateful. I still have a roof over my head and food to put on the table. I got an awesome support system and people who understand me. Don't worry about me not noticing the small stuff, trust me I do. I just appreciate things in a different manner and perspective. While it may seem that I don't seem to notice the small things, oh I do, I just take it all in silently because not everything needs words, sometimes silence is enough to speak for itself. I will say I got a lot of things to work through on my end and going to do my best to be proactive and positive - but there are some things that still bug the heck out of me and I know I cannot be around certain people for that very reason let alone speak to them. It'll probably be a long while, but I have no expectations at all. None. I'm just there and nothing more. I'll be invisible and out of sight and keeping my distant because at this moment and time, I just don't care anymore. I'm loyal and honest - but push me pass my boundaries - I'm seriously DONE. And that is where I am at. I may have a whole lot to say but it's no longer worth saying anymore. It'll just be a repeat and I'm not going back down that road ever again. So I'll be working with a counselor again and going that route as I really need to vent out a host of issues after everything that has went on. I won't discuss them in my blogs, but when I get past this experience and I have wrapped my head around it all, I will be able to better approach the one aspect of my life in a positive manner because I know I need to- right now I'm still fuming pissed off but I won't show it.
It's just a lot of stuff I had to hear that had my jaw dropped to the ground and left me with more questions then answers. And as for answers, I know I'm never gonna get a clear one and that bugs me as well. I have a lot of WHY questions, but I'm speechless at the same time because I honestly don't know what to believe anymore. Some things I can't even believed happened. Some things I'm just heartbroken and wondering, what in the world is going on? Some things I'm just still in a state of shock because I still can't see how things came out the way that they did. I feel like its all surreal because I didn't have time to deal with the first big blowout and the second one came out of nowhere. I've been praying for clarity, truths and more and still am. I can't stay mad but that feeling lingers because of everything I had to deal with and worrying what it would all mean. But I do know for sure, it would be the end for me. When one door closes, another opens.
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