Smile
"Smile," they say.
"You look beautiful.
Your smile is beautiful."
So I smile.
There is nothing wrong with smiling. It's just there are days where I know I just want to be as is. I am aware of the effects, positive effects I have on those when I do smile, by no means do I not want to smile; it's just when my heart and/or mind is feeling heavy about things in my life, it's just hard to smile at times. It's not me trying to be negative or anything, I'm a human being with a lot going on.
Just recently I was approached by individuals who never met me before but asked if I ever smile, I do just not that much these days. I'm just trying to still wrap my head around some things and sort through a lot of my own emotions and thoughts at the moment. The silence has been good for me, but based on my gut feelings it's gonna take some serious long hard time before I can come to terms with quite a few things. I'm struggling and trying to make sense of some things. But I know eventually, I will have to stop. It's just so raw.
"Smile," they say. "You're still young and you need to learn how to enjoy life again." I had my fun before I became a mom. It's not the same anymore. Besides, I'm beyond exhausted most days to even fully enjoy myself because sleep is what I truly look forward to. Sure, I enjoy hanging out with a few close friends, but even they can see I'm about ready for bed at times. Which, I usually am.
"Smile," they say. "Go get your nails done or your hair. Dress up and wear heels." Haha...funny. uh yeah but no. The only time anyone sees me dressed up is only for special occasions, that is it. Other than that I'll stick to my t-shirt and jeans plus sneakers. You will not see me in make-up unless it's a special occasion. I'm proud to be natural and show my real skin. Would I dress up for a guy? Nope. No point. I'm not an object to be stared at or fantasize. I'm just me.
"Smile," they say. "Do what makes you happy." Thing is I don't have to always be smiling while doing the things I do love. I would rather reveal my passions, my talents, and who I am as a hard-working individual. I will admit, at times I don't know how to take a compliment. I really don't. I'm so used to criticism and negative remarks, that it just makes me feel conflicted at times. A part of me is saying, "Watch me!" And the other half is struggling with acknowledging my own self worth with all due respect and credit from others. Yet, I struggle with compliments and praises. I'm a humble person, if I have enough food left to feed my son, I won't say how long I've gone without eating. If I need something, I don't really ask. I have my reasons. But I always make sure my son gets what he needs. Only very few know how I am. It's just how I've always been. I do a lot on my own because in partnerships or groups, my voice means nothing. My name means nothing. Only in a few instances have I've been blessed to work and be a part of something actively with others actually listening, compromising, and hearing me out. Most times, I was always kept on the outside and had to do extra work on my own to show what I was capable of. So I got used to being on my own a lot and doing a lot on my own. It's not a habit that can be easily broken. It's a part of who I am. If I'm not a part of anything, I will go away and leave others to be.
"Smile," they say. "Try to live a little more." Ha! I'm tired. The only date I have is with my bed and my pillow. And I smile as soon as I get comfortable and slowly fall into a deep slumber. I am a homebody. Not much for going out, unless it's been planned months in advanced. But I have a full plate. Between a lot of jobs both volunteering and pay. Then I'm mom and with that title comes the many hats and other roles I have. I don't complain, because it is my life and I will live it as I see fit.
So while I have no problem with giving a smile know that I am not allowed to smile on my own merits. Life is filled with a lot of ups and downs; sometimes we just need the time to work our way through some things. There's nothing wrong with not smiling either, it's just a smile, even a friendly smile let's others know that you are okay and that yes, you still acknowledge them in a friendly manner. But for me, I will always naturally smile, for its my way of saying I acknowledge you and hope that everything is well. But on days when I don't smile, I'm just caught up with my own life, trying to figure out things. My way of saying I just need to be alone for a bit.
This isn't meant to be depressing, but just to be real. Peace.
"You look beautiful.
Your smile is beautiful."
So I smile.
There is nothing wrong with smiling. It's just there are days where I know I just want to be as is. I am aware of the effects, positive effects I have on those when I do smile, by no means do I not want to smile; it's just when my heart and/or mind is feeling heavy about things in my life, it's just hard to smile at times. It's not me trying to be negative or anything, I'm a human being with a lot going on.
Just recently I was approached by individuals who never met me before but asked if I ever smile, I do just not that much these days. I'm just trying to still wrap my head around some things and sort through a lot of my own emotions and thoughts at the moment. The silence has been good for me, but based on my gut feelings it's gonna take some serious long hard time before I can come to terms with quite a few things. I'm struggling and trying to make sense of some things. But I know eventually, I will have to stop. It's just so raw.
"Smile," they say. "You're still young and you need to learn how to enjoy life again." I had my fun before I became a mom. It's not the same anymore. Besides, I'm beyond exhausted most days to even fully enjoy myself because sleep is what I truly look forward to. Sure, I enjoy hanging out with a few close friends, but even they can see I'm about ready for bed at times. Which, I usually am.
"Smile," they say. "Go get your nails done or your hair. Dress up and wear heels." Haha...funny. uh yeah but no. The only time anyone sees me dressed up is only for special occasions, that is it. Other than that I'll stick to my t-shirt and jeans plus sneakers. You will not see me in make-up unless it's a special occasion. I'm proud to be natural and show my real skin. Would I dress up for a guy? Nope. No point. I'm not an object to be stared at or fantasize. I'm just me.
"Smile," they say. "Do what makes you happy." Thing is I don't have to always be smiling while doing the things I do love. I would rather reveal my passions, my talents, and who I am as a hard-working individual. I will admit, at times I don't know how to take a compliment. I really don't. I'm so used to criticism and negative remarks, that it just makes me feel conflicted at times. A part of me is saying, "Watch me!" And the other half is struggling with acknowledging my own self worth with all due respect and credit from others. Yet, I struggle with compliments and praises. I'm a humble person, if I have enough food left to feed my son, I won't say how long I've gone without eating. If I need something, I don't really ask. I have my reasons. But I always make sure my son gets what he needs. Only very few know how I am. It's just how I've always been. I do a lot on my own because in partnerships or groups, my voice means nothing. My name means nothing. Only in a few instances have I've been blessed to work and be a part of something actively with others actually listening, compromising, and hearing me out. Most times, I was always kept on the outside and had to do extra work on my own to show what I was capable of. So I got used to being on my own a lot and doing a lot on my own. It's not a habit that can be easily broken. It's a part of who I am. If I'm not a part of anything, I will go away and leave others to be.
"Smile," they say. "Try to live a little more." Ha! I'm tired. The only date I have is with my bed and my pillow. And I smile as soon as I get comfortable and slowly fall into a deep slumber. I am a homebody. Not much for going out, unless it's been planned months in advanced. But I have a full plate. Between a lot of jobs both volunteering and pay. Then I'm mom and with that title comes the many hats and other roles I have. I don't complain, because it is my life and I will live it as I see fit.
So while I have no problem with giving a smile know that I am not allowed to smile on my own merits. Life is filled with a lot of ups and downs; sometimes we just need the time to work our way through some things. There's nothing wrong with not smiling either, it's just a smile, even a friendly smile let's others know that you are okay and that yes, you still acknowledge them in a friendly manner. But for me, I will always naturally smile, for its my way of saying I acknowledge you and hope that everything is well. But on days when I don't smile, I'm just caught up with my own life, trying to figure out things. My way of saying I just need to be alone for a bit.
This isn't meant to be depressing, but just to be real. Peace.
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