BUSY BEE!
First, Happy New Year to all my fellow readers and bloggers!
I know I haven't been posting as much! I've been busy and do I mean BUSY with Certification Training - which I gained at the end of July 2015 in Quickbooks and MS PowerPoint; job hunting which landed me with two jobs - one is as an "as-needed" Child Care Worker and my second is my everyday job as a Community Relations Assistant for a deaf organization (ask me more about it). My second is now my primary job as it's one of the reason why I haven't had time to do anything social - but then again I really don't have much of a social life anyways so that kind of works out! I only make time for those who get me these days. I don't have time to be asked a million and one questions about my own life and so forth - I just ain't in the mood these days.
Any who, it's been one hell of a year to be honest. I wasn't too pleased with what went down last year and quite frankly a part of me is like I just don't want to be bothered anymore. The other part is like "whatever." Once I have entered the "whatever" territory, I'm really in no position to sympathize or be a listening ear nor do I care about struggles - it's life so deal with it. Cold - I know. I was pushed to the breaking point and I was just DONE, DONE. However, I'm still the same person, just won't be showing my usual demeanor nor be in the mood to interact or talk much - there's no point. So, when I get pushed to a certain point by individuals - trust me - "Nice, kind, and compassionate" me goes out the window altogether. I will fight with myself very hard to still show some human dignity and respect - but that won't come easily because I will honestly be holding back what I really want to say. It won't make much of a different if I even spoke out anyways - I've said all that I had to say and I got really nothing more to say. I either be heard and respected or not.
Today, is just one of those days where on the eve of finishing up a major project and adding final touches to it, I'm just taking some time to type up a blog. My life has improved and I'm actually happy and feeling good! I can be more of myself and not feel so small and insignificant. I'm back to feeling confident and humble. It's really just a huge blessing for me to have a positive turn around, especially for someone who has been without a job for five years due to potential discrimination on previous job interviews. I'm just happy to be doing something I'm passionate about! It's been years since I last felt like myself true self.
I just felt like I was being suffocated and I couldn't really move on in the manner I wished. My emotions were being taken advantage of and so was my own situation. I was just at a low point in my life but slowly climbing up and out of it regardless to whatever it was that I had been dealing with. If I've learned anything, if you make a decision that is to protect yourself, you do not need to explain yourself. Your first duty to yourself is to treat yourself with love and care but most importantly with self-respect and self-preservation. There's no need to be putting others down or pointing out flaws or blaming others. Just walk away and leave it be or else it'll feel like an endless battlefield. An endless battlefield, is not something I would want anyone to experience, it's just draining and can be emotionally damaging. To be honest, I'm content with just staying single because I don't have it in me to even be bothered with a partner or a relationship anymore. I'm 100% DONE. Sure, I see the benefits of having a partner in life, but after everything I just went through, the relationships, I'm just cold and distant. This time, no matter what my counselor may say, my heart is just shot to hell to be honest. I'll treasure my friendships, but for intimate relationships, NO. No more.
I'll be happy for my friends who are in a relationship, but I will not miss the disagreements, the arguments or emotional turmoil of it all. I just want peace and the ability to do what I want without being judged, belittled, lied to or reduced to no one. I am someone. I do have my own life to live. I may not be perfect, but I know I would go to hell and back to save or help the ones I love. I will be honest and not afraid of how it will make me look. Once, I'm honest and I say my two cent, I'm gone. I won't bother anyone nor ask them for anything nor do I expect the same in return. A big defense wall? YEP, this time BIGGER. If I let someone in, I let them in because I trust them to treat me right. But now, I'm a skeptic and I analyze EVERYTHING before I decide whether or not to let the person in. If I can work with someone and they get me, then I will be fine but I won't allow for closeness. I don't want to be touched or hugged for very long, I now get uncomfortable. I will give hugs to those I'm comfortable with and known the longest but anyone else, no.
I'm still feeling raw, so it's only understandably that I feel the way that I do. It may not be a "forever" deal, but still need time to heal some more.
As I look forward to the year ahead, I just look forward to all my hard work paying off and seeing where this road I'm on will take me. Nothing in life is ever a smooth ride. It's going to be bumpy, twisty, hilly, hot, cold, warm, broken, and more. It's just a matter of rebuilding yourself up and allowing yourself the time to recover and make personal progress. If anyone sees that as being selfish - it's not, especially for those of us who give up our time to help others. It's good to know yourself and know who you are, not who the world wants you to be. It's important that one learns to be true to themselves without caring about what the rest of the world got to say about them. I also find it important that being honest will save many from a lot of headaches and questions. I know an honest answer many not be favorable, but in the long run, it'll be appreciated.
Well, I gotta get back to event planning and more. But I really do hope that you are all well. I'm busy writing, editing and putting together a newsletter for the organization I work for and maintaining the new website, which is to be launch soon as well as managing the online store. I'm also involved with projects that involve graphic designing and more, so I get to put my art skills to use! YAY! I will be posting about hearing loss and cochlear implant soon. Just sit tight. Busy single mom life and so looking forward to seeing my PT to get this knot out of my neck and shoulder!
Peace.
I know I haven't been posting as much! I've been busy and do I mean BUSY with Certification Training - which I gained at the end of July 2015 in Quickbooks and MS PowerPoint; job hunting which landed me with two jobs - one is as an "as-needed" Child Care Worker and my second is my everyday job as a Community Relations Assistant for a deaf organization (ask me more about it). My second is now my primary job as it's one of the reason why I haven't had time to do anything social - but then again I really don't have much of a social life anyways so that kind of works out! I only make time for those who get me these days. I don't have time to be asked a million and one questions about my own life and so forth - I just ain't in the mood these days.
Any who, it's been one hell of a year to be honest. I wasn't too pleased with what went down last year and quite frankly a part of me is like I just don't want to be bothered anymore. The other part is like "whatever." Once I have entered the "whatever" territory, I'm really in no position to sympathize or be a listening ear nor do I care about struggles - it's life so deal with it. Cold - I know. I was pushed to the breaking point and I was just DONE, DONE. However, I'm still the same person, just won't be showing my usual demeanor nor be in the mood to interact or talk much - there's no point. So, when I get pushed to a certain point by individuals - trust me - "Nice, kind, and compassionate" me goes out the window altogether. I will fight with myself very hard to still show some human dignity and respect - but that won't come easily because I will honestly be holding back what I really want to say. It won't make much of a different if I even spoke out anyways - I've said all that I had to say and I got really nothing more to say. I either be heard and respected or not.
Today, is just one of those days where on the eve of finishing up a major project and adding final touches to it, I'm just taking some time to type up a blog. My life has improved and I'm actually happy and feeling good! I can be more of myself and not feel so small and insignificant. I'm back to feeling confident and humble. It's really just a huge blessing for me to have a positive turn around, especially for someone who has been without a job for five years due to potential discrimination on previous job interviews. I'm just happy to be doing something I'm passionate about! It's been years since I last felt like myself true self.
I just felt like I was being suffocated and I couldn't really move on in the manner I wished. My emotions were being taken advantage of and so was my own situation. I was just at a low point in my life but slowly climbing up and out of it regardless to whatever it was that I had been dealing with. If I've learned anything, if you make a decision that is to protect yourself, you do not need to explain yourself. Your first duty to yourself is to treat yourself with love and care but most importantly with self-respect and self-preservation. There's no need to be putting others down or pointing out flaws or blaming others. Just walk away and leave it be or else it'll feel like an endless battlefield. An endless battlefield, is not something I would want anyone to experience, it's just draining and can be emotionally damaging. To be honest, I'm content with just staying single because I don't have it in me to even be bothered with a partner or a relationship anymore. I'm 100% DONE. Sure, I see the benefits of having a partner in life, but after everything I just went through, the relationships, I'm just cold and distant. This time, no matter what my counselor may say, my heart is just shot to hell to be honest. I'll treasure my friendships, but for intimate relationships, NO. No more.
I'll be happy for my friends who are in a relationship, but I will not miss the disagreements, the arguments or emotional turmoil of it all. I just want peace and the ability to do what I want without being judged, belittled, lied to or reduced to no one. I am someone. I do have my own life to live. I may not be perfect, but I know I would go to hell and back to save or help the ones I love. I will be honest and not afraid of how it will make me look. Once, I'm honest and I say my two cent, I'm gone. I won't bother anyone nor ask them for anything nor do I expect the same in return. A big defense wall? YEP, this time BIGGER. If I let someone in, I let them in because I trust them to treat me right. But now, I'm a skeptic and I analyze EVERYTHING before I decide whether or not to let the person in. If I can work with someone and they get me, then I will be fine but I won't allow for closeness. I don't want to be touched or hugged for very long, I now get uncomfortable. I will give hugs to those I'm comfortable with and known the longest but anyone else, no.
I'm still feeling raw, so it's only understandably that I feel the way that I do. It may not be a "forever" deal, but still need time to heal some more.
As I look forward to the year ahead, I just look forward to all my hard work paying off and seeing where this road I'm on will take me. Nothing in life is ever a smooth ride. It's going to be bumpy, twisty, hilly, hot, cold, warm, broken, and more. It's just a matter of rebuilding yourself up and allowing yourself the time to recover and make personal progress. If anyone sees that as being selfish - it's not, especially for those of us who give up our time to help others. It's good to know yourself and know who you are, not who the world wants you to be. It's important that one learns to be true to themselves without caring about what the rest of the world got to say about them. I also find it important that being honest will save many from a lot of headaches and questions. I know an honest answer many not be favorable, but in the long run, it'll be appreciated.
Well, I gotta get back to event planning and more. But I really do hope that you are all well. I'm busy writing, editing and putting together a newsletter for the organization I work for and maintaining the new website, which is to be launch soon as well as managing the online store. I'm also involved with projects that involve graphic designing and more, so I get to put my art skills to use! YAY! I will be posting about hearing loss and cochlear implant soon. Just sit tight. Busy single mom life and so looking forward to seeing my PT to get this knot out of my neck and shoulder!
Peace.
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