Getting back to life
For a while now, I've been wanting to write a blog - several actually. But due to the nature and sensitivity of a situation that occurred at the beginning of last year, I was dealing with an overwhelming amount of high emotions from all ends. I was not only upset, but felt like I was ultimately betrayed. As I type this, I shake my head because I am also very disappointed as well. Very disappointed. But I am now ultimately done with the longest, most difficult chapter of my life. I have nothing left to say nor want anything to do with that chapter any more. And its sad because its family and when life goes on and expands, its the innocent ones that end up having to pay the price. Unfortunately, I kinda know how that goes, but what can you do?
As time moves forward, I have been struggling with my own feelings and struggling with sorting out my thoughts and trying to grasp at a way to make peace with everything. But it's hard to do so when all I want is the truth, nothing but the truth. Not a twisted truth, not a blaming truth, just a flat out admit it yourself truth by taking ownership. I spoke my truth, not very happy about it, in fact I'm disgusted by it, but what's important I took ownership. That's something, not many do these days and it make it harder for someone like me to take someone at their word.
Over the course of the year, I had to deal with a lot on my end while taking two computer training courses to gain certification to add onto my resume plus gain employment. As a single mom, who happens to be hard of hearing, I learned my son was officially diagnosed with ADHD. Due to an ordeal that he went through, without me around, he had to undergo counseling as well, which he is still receiving today. Because of what he went through, his self-esteem dropped, his self-confident also took a big hit and his ability to be independent also took a hit. From time to time, he is depressed. I think the hardest out of all of this is a week after first meeting with his counselor, he experienced an emotional and mental breakdown. I had to call in for outside help to come to my home to evaluate him. It broke my heart because he said he didn't want to live anymore and wanted to kill himself. He was only six and a half years old. He was having trouble with a few school mates and didn't know how to deal nor cope, but it overwhelmed him because of the ordeal he went through that was of similar nature but much worst for him. If anything, I knew something was wrong, but I just didn't know what. But my gut told me something was wrong and to find out that I was lied to, when I asked how he was doing, oh boils my blood. I know there was nothing I could've done at that time. But when a child is told not to tell another adult anything about what happened to them, it's wrong to begin with. When the child knows it wrong and it bothers them that they can't say anything, it eats them up alive. It makes life a bit more uncomfortable and harder to live. That's no way for any child to live. No way. Every child deserves a decent childhood, not one where they are forced to "man up" or "woman up", that is something they will learn along the way in their mid-teen to throughout their 20s. Let kids be kids. Let them have a childhood. I get the world is not all sunshine and smiles these days. But I believe in teaching children to learn what is good and what is bad and how to assess and look for good and bad situations. Teaching them awareness of their surroundings and giving them an opportunity to think of alternative ways of dealing and coping. But I also understand that in some situations, it may require quick thinking and acting. Not all children are able to act as quickly due to their limited nature. But in due time, with the right knowledge and background they will be able to do so.
Since December of 2015, I have been employed as a Community Relations Assistant for a local not-for-profit organization that works to bridge the gap between the Deaf, Hard of Hearing and Hearing Communities and it has been right up my alley. However, I will admit, this job does leave me feeling a bit nervous at times because with everything that goes on in today's world and having to care for my son and myself, there are days when I can't be in the office or do what needs to be done. However, I have been blessed to have a supportive supervisor and an amazing one. If this was any other job, or more importantly supervisor, I would not have the flexibility I have now nor a job. I cannot afford child care and my time is limited because I have to be home by a certain time to get my son off the bus. So I'm pretty much stuck at part-time with my benefits shrinking and income still the same as when I was receiving benefits. But food wise, I barely eat so I just feed my son and make sure he has what he needs. This is the reality of single parenthood. You receive assistance but it gets cut once you start working and no matter how you play around with the numbers, food insecurity is a big deal. So I do get food from the church pantry and some of the food I can no longer handle. My stomach will not take to some foods anymore or else it just goes right through me. But the government doesn't care about that. All they care about is themselves and the lavish lives they live. While, folks like myself are trying to make it and do what is right, like everyone else in my position, we all pay income tax plus additional taxes out of our pay. The net pay isn't much after taxes. Yet, it baffles me how people with money complain. I don't even have a savings and I would love to have one, but unfortunately, like any past college grad, student loan debt and bills rules. No matter how I try to make the numbers work for me, there's no way I can spend freely. What would make my life so much easier is having a driver's license and a car. I wouldn't have to worry about not getting home in time to get my son off the bus or having to walk a mile or more just to get to the bus stop to take him to his appointments or cutting my work hours short because I need to be home in time. I have to request days off to take my son to some of his appointments because it requires transferring to another bus to connect to where we need to be and that could take 45 minutes to an hour or more when with a car the time would be about 20 minutes or less depending on traffic. Even for myself, I may have to take a day off but would have to work from home because I have appointments that sometimes lasts longer than they should, but I too have to keep my health in top shape, its a part of making sure mom is good. Self-care is a must among single parents and sometimes its easy to neglect ourselves. But it's also easy to neglect having a little fun as well as adults.
I do have wonderful people who have helped me out in taking me to my appointments as well as my son's but after a while, it's like I would really love to return the help or return their kindness and understanding. It's a blessing to have people who will help you but not take advantage of your situation. That is rare these days. All I can do is just ask God to bless their hearts and their lives because the good they do for me and my son is a blessing to me.
I am beyond exhausted at this point. I just pulled off my first Spring Gala as an Event Coordinator and I cannot tell you how happy it is all over! It was quite a learning experience for me but it went well, so I am glad. Now I am just playing catch up with my son and myself as I owe him big time! Plus, it was time to write again and I think for me everything has been a tough and long life learning experience. I'm still processing A LOT and my feelings are there but not quite there. I got this wall up where, I can't feel good right away when I do something that got praises or when I get a compliment, I still don't take it well - that's been forever with me. But like I said, I was dealing with a lot of high emotions and had to somehow contain my emotions and block off the outside until I felt more in control. My heart took a beating and it needs time to heal. My mind, is good, but my heart not so much. I'll always show I'll care and be polite but receiving feelings from the outside in, will be a challenge. But know, I will acknowledge and humbly appreciate the positive feedback; just don't expect an outburst so much or anything exciting out of me. Only those closest to me will be able to tell the difference.
Be a light in the world, don't judge or put others down. If you don't know their backstory, it's best to learn about why people are struggling. No book can give you answers to that, but listening to people can give you answers. If you choose to not listen, then unfortunately you're not helping to be a part of a solution, you're helping to be a part of a problem indirectly and directly. Sometimes people make honest mistakes and if they admit to those mistakes and take ownership of them, it shows character. It shows they are willing to learn and keep moving forward. But when one doesn't, then it's a vicious cycle that breaks down everything and it hurts when deep down you still love them but wish they could just see what they are doing. But I guess in the end they don't care as long as they get what they want, nothing else matters. Nothing. There's no real respect, just a false respect for show. For me, that is heartbreaking and extremely disappointing. It's just sad because, you understand and care about their well-being and you see that they can be more, but the choices they make, ends up hurting those closes to them and that's not cool at all. All I can do is painfully just step away and stay away and just hope for the best on their end. It is a personal struggle for me because of a long history involved, but with time I know I will be okay, it just may take me a little bit longer to process and to eventually forgive. But for now, it's focusing on the present and moving forward. My mantra is, one day at a time and one step at a time.
Life will throw you hard, but when it does get back up and keep going for as long as you can. There will be times where you may want to give up, but don't. Just take a step back and recoup and keep trying to overcome whatever it is you may be facing. Just don't become bitter. I had the choice of being bitter, but still choose kindness over it. Bitterness will kill things quickly, make life bleak and dark. But kindness adds light and hope. Use your brain more than your heart but maintain a delicate balance of humanity. We need more humanity in this world, because after all we are the human race by the end of the day, just one race. Peace.
As time moves forward, I have been struggling with my own feelings and struggling with sorting out my thoughts and trying to grasp at a way to make peace with everything. But it's hard to do so when all I want is the truth, nothing but the truth. Not a twisted truth, not a blaming truth, just a flat out admit it yourself truth by taking ownership. I spoke my truth, not very happy about it, in fact I'm disgusted by it, but what's important I took ownership. That's something, not many do these days and it make it harder for someone like me to take someone at their word.
Over the course of the year, I had to deal with a lot on my end while taking two computer training courses to gain certification to add onto my resume plus gain employment. As a single mom, who happens to be hard of hearing, I learned my son was officially diagnosed with ADHD. Due to an ordeal that he went through, without me around, he had to undergo counseling as well, which he is still receiving today. Because of what he went through, his self-esteem dropped, his self-confident also took a big hit and his ability to be independent also took a hit. From time to time, he is depressed. I think the hardest out of all of this is a week after first meeting with his counselor, he experienced an emotional and mental breakdown. I had to call in for outside help to come to my home to evaluate him. It broke my heart because he said he didn't want to live anymore and wanted to kill himself. He was only six and a half years old. He was having trouble with a few school mates and didn't know how to deal nor cope, but it overwhelmed him because of the ordeal he went through that was of similar nature but much worst for him. If anything, I knew something was wrong, but I just didn't know what. But my gut told me something was wrong and to find out that I was lied to, when I asked how he was doing, oh boils my blood. I know there was nothing I could've done at that time. But when a child is told not to tell another adult anything about what happened to them, it's wrong to begin with. When the child knows it wrong and it bothers them that they can't say anything, it eats them up alive. It makes life a bit more uncomfortable and harder to live. That's no way for any child to live. No way. Every child deserves a decent childhood, not one where they are forced to "man up" or "woman up", that is something they will learn along the way in their mid-teen to throughout their 20s. Let kids be kids. Let them have a childhood. I get the world is not all sunshine and smiles these days. But I believe in teaching children to learn what is good and what is bad and how to assess and look for good and bad situations. Teaching them awareness of their surroundings and giving them an opportunity to think of alternative ways of dealing and coping. But I also understand that in some situations, it may require quick thinking and acting. Not all children are able to act as quickly due to their limited nature. But in due time, with the right knowledge and background they will be able to do so.
Since December of 2015, I have been employed as a Community Relations Assistant for a local not-for-profit organization that works to bridge the gap between the Deaf, Hard of Hearing and Hearing Communities and it has been right up my alley. However, I will admit, this job does leave me feeling a bit nervous at times because with everything that goes on in today's world and having to care for my son and myself, there are days when I can't be in the office or do what needs to be done. However, I have been blessed to have a supportive supervisor and an amazing one. If this was any other job, or more importantly supervisor, I would not have the flexibility I have now nor a job. I cannot afford child care and my time is limited because I have to be home by a certain time to get my son off the bus. So I'm pretty much stuck at part-time with my benefits shrinking and income still the same as when I was receiving benefits. But food wise, I barely eat so I just feed my son and make sure he has what he needs. This is the reality of single parenthood. You receive assistance but it gets cut once you start working and no matter how you play around with the numbers, food insecurity is a big deal. So I do get food from the church pantry and some of the food I can no longer handle. My stomach will not take to some foods anymore or else it just goes right through me. But the government doesn't care about that. All they care about is themselves and the lavish lives they live. While, folks like myself are trying to make it and do what is right, like everyone else in my position, we all pay income tax plus additional taxes out of our pay. The net pay isn't much after taxes. Yet, it baffles me how people with money complain. I don't even have a savings and I would love to have one, but unfortunately, like any past college grad, student loan debt and bills rules. No matter how I try to make the numbers work for me, there's no way I can spend freely. What would make my life so much easier is having a driver's license and a car. I wouldn't have to worry about not getting home in time to get my son off the bus or having to walk a mile or more just to get to the bus stop to take him to his appointments or cutting my work hours short because I need to be home in time. I have to request days off to take my son to some of his appointments because it requires transferring to another bus to connect to where we need to be and that could take 45 minutes to an hour or more when with a car the time would be about 20 minutes or less depending on traffic. Even for myself, I may have to take a day off but would have to work from home because I have appointments that sometimes lasts longer than they should, but I too have to keep my health in top shape, its a part of making sure mom is good. Self-care is a must among single parents and sometimes its easy to neglect ourselves. But it's also easy to neglect having a little fun as well as adults.
I do have wonderful people who have helped me out in taking me to my appointments as well as my son's but after a while, it's like I would really love to return the help or return their kindness and understanding. It's a blessing to have people who will help you but not take advantage of your situation. That is rare these days. All I can do is just ask God to bless their hearts and their lives because the good they do for me and my son is a blessing to me.
I am beyond exhausted at this point. I just pulled off my first Spring Gala as an Event Coordinator and I cannot tell you how happy it is all over! It was quite a learning experience for me but it went well, so I am glad. Now I am just playing catch up with my son and myself as I owe him big time! Plus, it was time to write again and I think for me everything has been a tough and long life learning experience. I'm still processing A LOT and my feelings are there but not quite there. I got this wall up where, I can't feel good right away when I do something that got praises or when I get a compliment, I still don't take it well - that's been forever with me. But like I said, I was dealing with a lot of high emotions and had to somehow contain my emotions and block off the outside until I felt more in control. My heart took a beating and it needs time to heal. My mind, is good, but my heart not so much. I'll always show I'll care and be polite but receiving feelings from the outside in, will be a challenge. But know, I will acknowledge and humbly appreciate the positive feedback; just don't expect an outburst so much or anything exciting out of me. Only those closest to me will be able to tell the difference.
Be a light in the world, don't judge or put others down. If you don't know their backstory, it's best to learn about why people are struggling. No book can give you answers to that, but listening to people can give you answers. If you choose to not listen, then unfortunately you're not helping to be a part of a solution, you're helping to be a part of a problem indirectly and directly. Sometimes people make honest mistakes and if they admit to those mistakes and take ownership of them, it shows character. It shows they are willing to learn and keep moving forward. But when one doesn't, then it's a vicious cycle that breaks down everything and it hurts when deep down you still love them but wish they could just see what they are doing. But I guess in the end they don't care as long as they get what they want, nothing else matters. Nothing. There's no real respect, just a false respect for show. For me, that is heartbreaking and extremely disappointing. It's just sad because, you understand and care about their well-being and you see that they can be more, but the choices they make, ends up hurting those closes to them and that's not cool at all. All I can do is painfully just step away and stay away and just hope for the best on their end. It is a personal struggle for me because of a long history involved, but with time I know I will be okay, it just may take me a little bit longer to process and to eventually forgive. But for now, it's focusing on the present and moving forward. My mantra is, one day at a time and one step at a time.
Life will throw you hard, but when it does get back up and keep going for as long as you can. There will be times where you may want to give up, but don't. Just take a step back and recoup and keep trying to overcome whatever it is you may be facing. Just don't become bitter. I had the choice of being bitter, but still choose kindness over it. Bitterness will kill things quickly, make life bleak and dark. But kindness adds light and hope. Use your brain more than your heart but maintain a delicate balance of humanity. We need more humanity in this world, because after all we are the human race by the end of the day, just one race. Peace.
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