Moving Forward

You know, one of the biggest barriers to accomplishing what may seem so small to many but huge to other is having money to accomplish some of the most basic skills required for independence.  It took me, about 18 years, 5 renewed permits, 4 retakes of the 5 hour course to finally get my driver's license. It wasn't because I failed, it was because I barely had the money to afford the lessons or the road test itself. Something that seems so simple for others to get, was not so simple for me to get as I didn't have parents to help me out financially.

While I may have gained a new lease on life, I cannot quite celebrate it as such.  Instead, I look at it as one less thing to worry about, one less thing off my plate, and one less thing to do. I look at it as someone who has had to overcome so much and to be blessed with actually winning a Gift Certificate towards a seven lesson driving package with 5 hour and road test included.  For me it's a blessing and on God's timing.

I do not speak much about my religious or spiritual backgrounds but I do know this, it was time to move on and to move forward.

These last few years have been a painful transformation period for me.  One was probably dealing with the biggest heartache, heartbreak and what I felt to be the ultimate betrayal in my life.  I've never imagined going through anything so deep yet so complex and eventually toxic. Yet, the journey has not only taught me about my own weaknesses and strengths, it gave me a new strength that I never saw born from it.  They say, we go through difficult times because there is something that needs to happen in order for one to be shaped into the person that they are designated to become.  Sometimes, we have to allow change to take place in its natural order so that we can grow from it.

I don't think I always had the right people around me to accomplish so much that I have so far.  If it weren't for them, their support, encouragements, believing in me, putting up with me on my bad days and good days, and their honesty, I'll be damn, I probably wouldn't be where I am at now.  They will know who they are and for that Thank You for taking a chance on me and investing in my life, you have no idea!

I don't think anyone make's it entirely on their own.  I believe it is the contributions that others make to help you reach your best version of yourself, even when you can't see what they see in you.  They still invest in you and take a chance on you.  When someone does that, you have to acknowledge them as a part of your journey.  You cannot ignore them, take full credit or put them down.  You have to be humbled, graceful, and thankful.

Besides the emotional side of things, I've been struggling with forgiveness all around.  I will admit I do hold grudges against a few who have crossed the line so many times and felt it was okay when it really wasn't. When I did speak out, all I heard was a defense that not only hindered my plans for myself, but set me back by a few years.  When I spoke out on other things, I was painted as a liar and someone who wanted attention, but in return they all  received dead silence from me as I was so done. They did reach out to me, I heard their messages and pleas but I've heard it so many times, I just deleted and shook my head.  I said to myself, "They will never get it. Never." No matter how many times I was honest about how I felt or what I didn't like, they weren't listening or hearing me out.  They continued to do the same thing as always.  When things finally came to a head, I just couldn't anymore.  No matter how much I cared or loved, going silence especially on one whom I truly did loved and cared about very deeply, was not the easiest thing to do. It was heart-wrenching and very, very difficult.  Trust was destroyed all around and my trust isn't easy to earn back once it is lost.  I will forever remain suspicious with them.

I just struggle with a lot because, when you are someone who has to overcome so much in life as is, then you meet new people and you try to give them a chance and look at the good, but they somehow begin to undercut you for some reason, you're just wondering, wow, I'm doing the best that I can and geez, why can''t they see that.  But then I remembered, they always complaint about things in life that they have been blessed with and yet, fail to see just how blessed they are.  A few of them had their own homes, their own cars, and their own family to help or a few friends willing to help them out anytime, yet they stilled complaint.  I looked at them like, "What the heck, man?" because compared to me, I had to rely on government assistance and a very, very few close friends to help and I struggled with finding a decent job and struggling to gain access to what they had.  I swear some people just don't realize, how much easier they may have it and it drives me up the wall.  Sure, what they have will mean more bills for them, but they could at least be grateful for being able to afford it.  If they can barely afford it, I honestly don't want to hear the complaints.  Simple solution, live within your means or slightly below because others may still be worst off.

As I now take baby steps to moving forward, I'm doing so at my own pace.  I didn't come into this world fast, I came into this world taking my sweet time. Trust me, my late mother didn't let that go unsaid. So when I deal with things, I take my sweet time and as much as that may bother many, I just process life differently.  That's why I hate the saying, "Get over it!" some things require some to actually cope with what happened a bit longer.  You have to let them work there own way through their own experience.  However, everyone deals with life differently.  I know I do!

Time is a funny concept.  As I go forward, I am feeling better about myself and becoming even more guarded of my own emotions.  When I decide to open up, it will be on my time.  For now, my focus is to continue my healing journey.  Who knows? Maybe forgiveness may be down the road somewhere, but for now, it's about rebuilding and healing.

Everything happens for a reason and sometimes that reason may not be appearant but down the road you would understand, just not when you're going through it.

One of the things about me is I need my space and alone time.  I cannot function without them.  If I keep getting pressed for something or bothered about something, I'm not going to cave.  I'm not going to do anything.  I'm just going to remain as is until I'm given the time I need to process as well as the space.  But now, I finally have that time and space to actually recover, heal and to rebuild.  But even as I am in the mist of that, I need to finish working on me.

Sometimes, one just needs to step out and rediscover themselves in new ways on their own.  It's not easy at first, but when you meet the right people, don't forget to thank them and remember them. Peace.