Rediscovering Self
Tonight, I just watched The Bold Type on Freeform and the way they touch on issues that are very relevant to today's young adults, it's BOLD! But it got me thinking on my own "hurdles" in my life.
Lately, I've been struggling with my own fears and "issues" and besides not getting much sleep these pass few nights and dreaming dreams that are reflective of my current situation, it's a BITCH.
My dreams have centered around forgiveness, mending and healing. I'm struggling with forgiving someone who I thought I could trust but in the end committed the Ultimate Betrayal in my eyes. In my dreams, this person is trying to reach out to me, figure out how to approach me, knowing they were wrong, BIG TIME. The exchanges in the dream are not very forgiving. I still feel very angry, very hurt and very strong about wanting to do some serious damage back. I still feel like I am owe an apology. I still feel like my voice doesn't matter to them at all. I still feel like my feelings are a mute point. I still feel like no matter what I do, it's always going to be my fault and I didn't do a damn thing. All I did was try to make things work for all but all that effort and time - it didn't matter. It just didn't matter.
I'm a person who will stand up for herself and I will not back down if someone tries to smear me. I will fight back, tooth and nails. There's a reason for the black cat tattoo I have. I will tell anyone straight up if you lie to me and it benefits you, oooh, you'll be sooo sorry. I can be unforgiving at times, especially with those who go beyond betrayal. My son, who is spending his last year in the single digits is very much the same way. You do something that neither of us like very much, when it becomes unforgiving, it's that pain and ache that is so big, that neither one of us have the time or the patience to actually process. It's gonna take both of us a little longer because, I got my own and my son has his, but when something is unforgiving, that means its in a territory where you accepted apology after apology, gave chance after chance and the person's behavior never changed. The same things kept happening over and over...all you want to do is shake this person and scream at them to STOP! A part of you want to see them learn from their mistakes and grow and the other part of you wants to do things that isn't worth risking your life on. The part where you truly want them to learn from what they did wrong and grow from it, is a part that comes from caring place and wanting the best outcome for them. However, they may not always view it as such, which is what make's it challenging. You love them but HATE how they make you feel. But you see that they are hurting too and you want to show you feel for them but you just can't. Conflicting? I would say so.
I will say I am angry still. I know it's not my fault but when you feel like you had a hand in something, you owe it. Trust me, I am trying to work on it. It's just that, my thoughts, my words, my feelings - basically who I am as a person and a human being was made to feel like ABSOLUTELY NOTHING! Like I was a used up raggy doll that no one wanted to keep around, but was just good enough for the time being. That's why I keep my distance from certain people who made me feel like that. That's why I tend to shy away from being open about what's bothering me because, I don't want people to take advantage or use my own issues against me just for their own personal gain. I grew sick of it. So I just keep everything to myself and only open up when I feel safe to do so. But if I don't feel safe, I won't even speak a single word. I'll just keep it in. But I will only open up to those within my closest circle.
I've been in and out of counseling for over 10 years. It helps, but when you are around people going through something similar, something triggers in you. For me, a lot of old, OLD issues have actually been brought out of me. Not only because of what is current, but it was an exercise I did for one of my counseling sessions and I had no idea how much affected me before I even dealt with what I just wrote about. I blocked out a lot of things growing up. Of course, being told to not say anything or don't cry or suck it up it happened - shhh...you bury it deep. But eventually it all seeps out and starts to affect certain aspects of life. Just wow, from one exercise. Which means, I'm just now starting on a path of working on recovering and healing old wounds. I will say one thing, give a person TIME to process what they are going through because you will never know how major it may have been for them to go through whatever it must have been for them.
When it come to forgiving someone, I get you are not forgiving them for them, you do it for you. You're not forgiving their behaviors or how they treated you, you are forgiving them for you. But forgiving the unforgivable...is like having to swallow a pill that can't even fit into your mouth to swallow. You literally have to break it all down and work through it. But there are some parts that, you would rather bury it then to deal with it alive. But you know deep down you have to face whatever it is to move forward and you'll hate it with a passion. All you can hope for is a peaceful outcome and one where you can be free. I know I still have a way to go and my son...whew! He's gonna be a tough one. But we'll get through it, just on our own individual time. Peace.
Lately, I've been struggling with my own fears and "issues" and besides not getting much sleep these pass few nights and dreaming dreams that are reflective of my current situation, it's a BITCH.
My dreams have centered around forgiveness, mending and healing. I'm struggling with forgiving someone who I thought I could trust but in the end committed the Ultimate Betrayal in my eyes. In my dreams, this person is trying to reach out to me, figure out how to approach me, knowing they were wrong, BIG TIME. The exchanges in the dream are not very forgiving. I still feel very angry, very hurt and very strong about wanting to do some serious damage back. I still feel like I am owe an apology. I still feel like my voice doesn't matter to them at all. I still feel like my feelings are a mute point. I still feel like no matter what I do, it's always going to be my fault and I didn't do a damn thing. All I did was try to make things work for all but all that effort and time - it didn't matter. It just didn't matter.
I'm a person who will stand up for herself and I will not back down if someone tries to smear me. I will fight back, tooth and nails. There's a reason for the black cat tattoo I have. I will tell anyone straight up if you lie to me and it benefits you, oooh, you'll be sooo sorry. I can be unforgiving at times, especially with those who go beyond betrayal. My son, who is spending his last year in the single digits is very much the same way. You do something that neither of us like very much, when it becomes unforgiving, it's that pain and ache that is so big, that neither one of us have the time or the patience to actually process. It's gonna take both of us a little longer because, I got my own and my son has his, but when something is unforgiving, that means its in a territory where you accepted apology after apology, gave chance after chance and the person's behavior never changed. The same things kept happening over and over...all you want to do is shake this person and scream at them to STOP! A part of you want to see them learn from their mistakes and grow and the other part of you wants to do things that isn't worth risking your life on. The part where you truly want them to learn from what they did wrong and grow from it, is a part that comes from caring place and wanting the best outcome for them. However, they may not always view it as such, which is what make's it challenging. You love them but HATE how they make you feel. But you see that they are hurting too and you want to show you feel for them but you just can't. Conflicting? I would say so.
I will say I am angry still. I know it's not my fault but when you feel like you had a hand in something, you owe it. Trust me, I am trying to work on it. It's just that, my thoughts, my words, my feelings - basically who I am as a person and a human being was made to feel like ABSOLUTELY NOTHING! Like I was a used up raggy doll that no one wanted to keep around, but was just good enough for the time being. That's why I keep my distance from certain people who made me feel like that. That's why I tend to shy away from being open about what's bothering me because, I don't want people to take advantage or use my own issues against me just for their own personal gain. I grew sick of it. So I just keep everything to myself and only open up when I feel safe to do so. But if I don't feel safe, I won't even speak a single word. I'll just keep it in. But I will only open up to those within my closest circle.
I've been in and out of counseling for over 10 years. It helps, but when you are around people going through something similar, something triggers in you. For me, a lot of old, OLD issues have actually been brought out of me. Not only because of what is current, but it was an exercise I did for one of my counseling sessions and I had no idea how much affected me before I even dealt with what I just wrote about. I blocked out a lot of things growing up. Of course, being told to not say anything or don't cry or suck it up it happened - shhh...you bury it deep. But eventually it all seeps out and starts to affect certain aspects of life. Just wow, from one exercise. Which means, I'm just now starting on a path of working on recovering and healing old wounds. I will say one thing, give a person TIME to process what they are going through because you will never know how major it may have been for them to go through whatever it must have been for them.
When it come to forgiving someone, I get you are not forgiving them for them, you do it for you. You're not forgiving their behaviors or how they treated you, you are forgiving them for you. But forgiving the unforgivable...is like having to swallow a pill that can't even fit into your mouth to swallow. You literally have to break it all down and work through it. But there are some parts that, you would rather bury it then to deal with it alive. But you know deep down you have to face whatever it is to move forward and you'll hate it with a passion. All you can hope for is a peaceful outcome and one where you can be free. I know I still have a way to go and my son...whew! He's gonna be a tough one. But we'll get through it, just on our own individual time. Peace.
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