Pieces of Me

Even though I have expressed my anger, despair, sadness and lost of hope, I have forgotten how to love myself. You know, I don't have many friends and I do not intent on making new ones any time this year. After just thinking about my life the last ten years, it's been nothing but stress, pain and disloyalty of friends. I ask myself, where did I fall, when did I start falling and how. I was doing fine when I got away from home and did my thing in college, I was head strong and focus but most importantly I felt happy and more of myself. I only had one good year, one year of being free of oppressions and judgements, one year of being able to feel great in my own skin. What happened? I moved home, my mother was terminally ill, I knew. I didn't move home on my own terms, I moved home because my mother asked me too. I transferred my credits to a nearby two-year private school and from there the battle was just the beginning. I was doing well in school, working two small part-tim...

Evening though its be two years, almost three, I'm exploring the waters outside of my comfort zone. As I wade with caution, I look to God for guidance. I don't trust my heart to anyone. But my heart will be in God's hands. With all my might, I do want to feel again, I want to come alive again. But I must guard my heart. I must guard my heart, against those who come forth. I must be caution, because the last time...damn near destroyed me. But I want to move forward. I want to have a future shared. As a family. But in God's eyes, I know he'll let me know. He'll let me know.

My heart wants to scream! It wants to jump out like a cougar! It wants to run away, run away, away.... away...... It doesn't matter where, but it must be heaven. Only heaven can treat the heart well. Only heaven can carress the heart back, Only heaven can strengthen it. Only heaven. It is only heaven that has my heart. It is only heaven. Everthing that I am not is everything that I am. Look beyond me. Don't look for me.

For a while now I've been getting strong feelings about my own situtation. I just couldn't say what it was, but I've known for a long time now. All I ever wanted was honesty - the truth. Instead I was kept in the dark, given false hopes and hurt because of that. Now my heart must decide which route to take? Eventually, I know I will have to move on but the question is, Is this it? I mean, I wasted my emotions, my heart, my hopes, my voice on someone who made empty promises, someone who constantly blamed me and made me wish I never existed. Yet, as usual, there is always another girl and I'm never gonna be good enough for anybody, not even to get a second chance. That hurts the most. I've grown up in church and believe the words of God spoke true. I'll admit that I have swayed far from the good book, but have come to realized I'm being called to come back home. I'm not talking anything death-like, but more of a return to follow what God intended for me to...

In all of my days, My love for one has gone unnoticed. But only the Lord recognizes that. I'm thankful for at least that. I've done my best to hold on, I've done my best to try to smooth things over, but the one thing that is preventing me from moving forward, is some one's else's regret. I have a love that is undying. A love that is willing to lend a hand regardless. A love that is God's love. What more could you ask for? I'm me, myself and I. I do not conform to idols, icons, or fakes. I'm my own person, My own being. Accept me for me. Accept me for who I am. I'm not perfect, I'm no superstar, I'm not worthy, But I'm worthy of God's love. I may not be successful, I may not be top model, I may not be an artist, I may not be a lot of things, but as long as I'm me, that is fine by me. I dress how I feel. I dress the way I want. I live my life, I live my life in the eyes of the beholder. I live my life. This is my life. My spirit...

Find and you shall reap. Find yourself first. Don't go looking in dark places. Don't go looking for yourself in others. Don't go looking in dark times. The journey is yours. Only yours. Its yours until you find you. When you have found you, not in anyone else, then you are ready to join in on another journey. But if you found you, but in someone else, You'll feel out of sorts, Not honest, Not pure, Just dirty. Push away those that care, They'll still back you. But when they get pushed further away, it's because you did it. STOP! THINK! THINK OF YOU! NO ONE BUT YOU! We miss you. We want you back. Where did you go? Find and you shall reap. Find yourself in you. When you have, Come back to us. We'll be waiting.

I'm living my life, You're living your life. I have the child. You don't. I wake up at all hours, You...do whatever. I work and learn, You...complain. I changed diapers, Clean up the house, Cook the meals, Feed the meals, Bath the child, Feed myself, Bath myself, Dress the child, Dress myself, Read to my child. Read my homework. I make the doc's appointments, Miss work and lose time, I stay home when child is sick, I play nurse day and night. I play teacher day and night, I play with my child. I'm doing this, All of this on my own. Add in paying bills, making ends meet, Shopping, appointments, and outside commitments . Plus catering to my child. You... get to chill. Do whatever you please. While I play mom and dad, You are enjoying your freedom. All you get to do is Think about the child, Pay for the child, and... Oh wait that's all. No parenting involved. No child rear-ending, No planning, No worrying about everyday issues, and jeez you get alone time. But wai...