Pieces of Me

Throughout life we are constantly going through changes.  Some changes are acceptable while some may be unacceptable but no one person can always have their way. I learned over the last few years about how one wants can block one's ability to fully understand the roles of others in a given situation.  For example, what one wants may not be what the other wants and it may not be in the best interest of those involved, but in the best interest of the one who wants total control.  I honestly have to say that its a sad situation because of the fact that when one doesn't get the approval he or she wants, they shut everyone out for their own selfish reasons. Now, I may be wrong and I may not be, however, when a situation involves a child, it will look and feel like a selfish act by the adult is being committed.  But its wrong on so many levels.  I know I made my decisions and I'm living with it and as each day passes it get easier.  As I continue to explore m...

Tonight I was thinking about how easy it is to blame someone else for mistakes that wasn't entirely that persons fault. You know how you are in a situation and either one of your friends, family member or partner turns on you because of a decision you made affected everyone around you and them but it wasn't an easy decision to make? Well I have been there. Its not easy to see the ones you love and care about go through tough times. I know from experience that some still blame me secretly for things that "should have been" and I know I feel the stingy in their words when spoken. The one thing that got me thinking about this is why blame someone when they are not standing by you every single day when you are the one making all the decisions on your own? I wonder about what is going through the minds of those who find it easier to lay the blame on someone else then to face their own demons. I wonder why is it that they fear what will happen to them so bad when fear...

Even though I have expressed my anger, despair, sadness and lost of hope, I have forgotten how to love myself. You know, I don't have many friends and I do not intent on making new ones any time this year. After just thinking about my life the last ten years, it's been nothing but stress, pain and disloyalty of friends. I ask myself, where did I fall, when did I start falling and how. I was doing fine when I got away from home and did my thing in college, I was head strong and focus but most importantly I felt happy and more of myself. I only had one good year, one year of being free of oppressions and judgements, one year of being able to feel great in my own skin. What happened? I moved home, my mother was terminally ill, I knew. I didn't move home on my own terms, I moved home because my mother asked me too. I transferred my credits to a nearby two-year private school and from there the battle was just the beginning. I was doing well in school, working two small part-tim...

Evening though its be two years, almost three, I'm exploring the waters outside of my comfort zone. As I wade with caution, I look to God for guidance. I don't trust my heart to anyone. But my heart will be in God's hands. With all my might, I do want to feel again, I want to come alive again. But I must guard my heart. I must guard my heart, against those who come forth. I must be caution, because the last time...damn near destroyed me. But I want to move forward. I want to have a future shared. As a family. But in God's eyes, I know he'll let me know. He'll let me know.

My heart wants to scream! It wants to jump out like a cougar! It wants to run away, run away, away.... away...... It doesn't matter where, but it must be heaven. Only heaven can treat the heart well. Only heaven can carress the heart back, Only heaven can strengthen it. Only heaven. It is only heaven that has my heart. It is only heaven. Everthing that I am not is everything that I am. Look beyond me. Don't look for me.

For a while now I've been getting strong feelings about my own situtation. I just couldn't say what it was, but I've known for a long time now. All I ever wanted was honesty - the truth. Instead I was kept in the dark, given false hopes and hurt because of that. Now my heart must decide which route to take? Eventually, I know I will have to move on but the question is, Is this it? I mean, I wasted my emotions, my heart, my hopes, my voice on someone who made empty promises, someone who constantly blamed me and made me wish I never existed. Yet, as usual, there is always another girl and I'm never gonna be good enough for anybody, not even to get a second chance. That hurts the most. I've grown up in church and believe the words of God spoke true. I'll admit that I have swayed far from the good book, but have come to realized I'm being called to come back home. I'm not talking anything death-like, but more of a return to follow what God intended for me to...